A few months ago I left my relationship because I was not feeling honored or taken into account by my partner. After being really patient with his blurry boundaries, I realized I was not being met half way. I loved him very much and as I always do in my relationships gave fully of myself, only to be drained of all the energy I had. He did not take me into consideration in many regards and did not really get what I needed on a deep level. By the end of our time together I could not feel the essence of who I was. He had 3 children, who were with us on most holidays and a business that came first and as much as I tried to accept every part of him, his children and his lifestyle, I realized that all the compromising was coming from me and all I was contributing was not appreciated.
I had given up my home in San Diego to move to be with him and fit into his life and it seemed like it didn’t hold any weight for him. A couple of months after we broke up, we became lovers again (big mistake)…in some weird sort of way, it was comforting, although I knew I was not being true to myself. I left for a couple of weeks to go on a trip and when I returned he had a new lover and a month later proclaims he is in a relationship with her. He has been extremely inconsiderate of my feelings, not being discreet in a small community in which all is known. This has all hurt me very much as it boggles my mind how quickly he has moved on after our 2 year relationship, in which we had gone through a lot together. It makes me wonder how deep his feelings for me really were. Obviously in the beginning of his new relationship I thought he was just using her as a distraction and his choice was largely ego based and maybe my reaction is ego based, as I had gone from feeling empowered after the initial breakup to being absolutely heartbroken when he found someone else and also very hurt by his lack of discretion. I have drafted numerous letters to him expressing how I have felt, which I have not sent to him. I don’t know if that is going to make me feel better. But the anger and hurt is dragging on. I don’t want to come from a place of blame or anger but feel I need to express my feelings to him as a way of letting go of these thoughts and emotions that continue to come up. I wake every day feeling anxious and sad, despite sticking to commitments I have made to myself to assist in my healing like writing, exercising, being grateful etc…
I know I need to take responsibility for having chosen this relationship and know that it was part of a cleansing. I am trying to trust that something better lies ahead but still I am resentful that I invested so much into our relationship and am now having to start all over again, whilst his life continues on as usual. As much as I have tried, I have not come to a place of surrender, forgiveness and compassion for him or the situation. I realize I need to find compassion and forgiveness for myself also and figure out how to maintain good boundaries whilst having an open heart. I read one of the quotes on TDL yesterday that said: “We are healed of a suffering only by expressing it to the full”… Perhaps expressing this hurt to him will help and maybe it will create more energy around a situation that just needs to be let go of. What do you think? I just want the hurt to be over already and to feel empowered and at peace!
“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
– Anais Nin
A TDL Reader
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