Daily Share: The anger and the resentment is killing me!

A few months ago I left my relationship because I was not feeling honored or taken into account by my partner. After being really patient with his blurry boundaries, I realized I was not being met half way. I loved him very much and as I always do in my relationships gave fully of myself, only to be drained of all the energy I had. He did not take me into consideration in many regards and did not really get what I needed on a deep level. By the end of our time together I could not feel the essence of who I was. He had 3 children, who were with us on most holidays and a business that came first and as much as I tried to accept every part of him, his children and his lifestyle, I realized that all the compromising was coming from me and all I was contributing was not appreciated.

I had given up my home in San Diego to move to be with him and fit into his life and it seemed like it didn’t hold any weight for him. A couple of months after we broke up, we became lovers again (big mistake)…in some weird sort of way, it was comforting, although I knew I was not being true to myself. I left for a couple of weeks to go on a trip and when I returned he had a new lover and a month later proclaims he is in a relationship with her. He has been extremely inconsiderate of my feelings, not being discreet in a small community in which all is known. This has all hurt me very much as it boggles my mind how quickly he has moved on after our 2 year relationship, in which we had gone through a lot together. It makes me wonder how deep his feelings for me really were. Obviously in the beginning of his new relationship I thought he was just using her as a distraction and his choice was largely ego based and maybe my reaction is ego based, as I had gone from feeling empowered after the initial breakup to being absolutely heartbroken when he found someone else and also very hurt by his lack of discretion. I have drafted numerous letters to him expressing how I have felt, which I have not sent to him. I don’t know if that is going to make me feel better. But the anger and hurt is dragging on. I don’t want to come from a place of blame or anger but feel I need to express my feelings to him as a way of letting go of these thoughts and emotions that continue to come up. I wake every day feeling anxious and sad, despite sticking to commitments I have made to myself to assist in my healing like writing, exercising, being grateful etc…

I know I need to take responsibility for having chosen this relationship and know that it was part of a cleansing. I am trying to trust that something better lies ahead but still I am resentful that I invested so much into our relationship and am now having to start all over again, whilst his life continues on as usual. As much as I have tried, I have not come to a place of surrender, forgiveness and compassion for him or the situation. I realize I need to find compassion and forgiveness for myself also and figure out how to maintain good boundaries whilst having an open heart. I read one of the quotes on TDL yesterday that said: “We are healed of a suffering only by expressing it to the full”… Perhaps expressing this hurt to him will help and maybe it will create more energy around a situation that just needs to be let go of. What do you think? I just want the hurt to be over already and to feel empowered and at peace!

“And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

– Anais Nin

A TDL Reader

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  • Peggyeck1

    Wish I could erase this feeling from your heart.  Everyone at one time or another feels this and when it happens to you-you get this feeling that no one else on earth is feeling the pain that you are.  I have been four years wrestling with an on-going relationship that has caused me so much inner turmoil that I do not recognize myself.  I end it only to be swayed back.  It never lasts long.  This person is selfish and narcistic, but for whatever reason he has become my hardest assignment to date.  I know he’s not invested the way I am.  I know the future is non-existent with him, and maybe that is the key right there.  I have fallen back to him so often I have taught him that I don’t value myself.  He’s thinking …”she keeps hurting but coming back, why fix it”  If I were in a room of people that cared about me the unequivocable answer would be RUN!  It hurts every day-the pain is emotional and physical.  It sweeps across my shoulders and keeps me from joy.  He has cost me so much! You are draining yourself of joy and giving yourself an excuse not love someone and be loved and valued like you should.  This chucklehead is a user and this new person inhis life will find out soon enough.  You dodged a bullet.  Remind yourself every moment-you deserve better.  Start to believe it.  The anger will fade.  I am at a cross road now-I will probably need to move and leave my job-which will be major-but I cannot continue with this pain any longer.  He is not worth it no one is. 

  • Melissa

    Be certain of one thing, this “relationship” he’s currently in is as one-sided as yours was. What if you tell him your feelings and he blows them off? After what you’ve said about his lack of concern for you, that is very likely. I deeply suspect you won’t get the healing you need and want by talking to him…by letter or otherwise. What helps me is to look at what I did in the relationship and what I learned that I can take into a good relationship. What were red flags you saw but chose to ignore? I don’t know how long it’s been, but be kind to yourself. I think we sometimes try to jump to being healed and all spiritual like before we allow ourselves to be just plain pissed! ALL of your feelings are allowed to be present; all are valid; and all are important.

  • Krystnb

    I canno begin to explain how dejavu your story is. Iwas with a guy for 4.5years, lived together for 3 and supposed to be married a month ago. All is the same with the story, I have up my condo to be with him and get married and he did not appreciate anything I did, always pointed out things that were wrong, threw me under the bus infront of other people and was honestly the most selfish person I have ever met in my entire life. I moved out 2and a half weeks ago, he has already sent another girl flowers and is taking her to concerts, etc, just like he did with me in the beginning. He has humiliated me in front of my family and friends and i feel like i meant absolutely nothing to him. He has disregarded my feelings and concerns throughout the entire relationship and I should have walked away a long time ago. I too, have wanted to write him a long letter, but I have decided to remain quiet. He can make an ass out of himself on his own and if your ex didn’t value you then, he surely won’t value how you feel now. Somehow, like you I have forced myself to keep plugging along and staying busy, but I still have the emptiness inside. I have enrolled myself in a therapist and am surrounding myself with supportive friends and family. There are many hard lessons I have learned from this experience, but I know he was in my heart the wrong person for me. Don’t get me wrong I wish that one day he would wake up and realize that he made the biggest mistake of his life, but I will probably never see that and have to make peace with myself. You cannot let this destroy you. Stand up for yourself and take care of yourself first. I am trying to learn how to do that myself.  It sucks starting over but can you honestly see a future with someone as selfish as he is? I can’t and I won’t. Keep your head up!

    • Debbie Rodriguez63

      Melissa, Beautifully said!
      Peggy and Krystn, Four weeks ago today I left my husband of seven years. Thank goodness we are in our late fourties and don’t have children together! He, too, was mentally and verbally abusive. He never fully gave himself to our marriage and I felt lost and alone the entire time. He put down almost everything I did or didn’t do and I slowly turned into a shell of a person. Early on I began drinking to, as I now know,  numb the way I had allowed him to make me feel about myself. As alcoholism does, it progressed. I was soon hiding nightly drinking just so I could pass out and feel completely numb. I always knew that when, and I knew somehow someway I would, quit drinknig, I’d leave him. When he told me, in March of this year, I’d have to get help for my drinking or he’d leave me, I joined AA. I didn’t want to be with him but I aslo didn’t want him to leave me!!! I soon after, because of the 12 steps of AA, began a relationship with my “Higher Power”. This has been a life changing experience for me!!! Four weeks ago when he told me for the umpteenth time that he wanted a divorce, I said ok and moved out. I still have a long way to go to build up what he bulldozed down but I’m well on my way. It hasn’t been an easy four weeks, but, one day at a time. I am reading everything I can get my hands on regarding grief and divorce. I now want to feel all of he feelngs I’m experiencing….no more numbing with alcohol….I can’t feel the good feelings without feeling the bad. Two things I have learned through my reading that have helped me are…We are not responsible for making other people see the light and we do not “need” to set them straight. We are only responsible for ourselves. Secondly…”To honor the self is to be willing to think independently, to live by our own mind, and to have the courage of our own perceptions and judgments.” When we truly believe this we will attract those people who believe the same. Our relationships will then be based on love and respect. As I travel this journey, the one my higher power has chosen for me, I wish you peace and acceptance!

  • TDLLover

     It’s time to bring the focus back to you completely. I can relate to your  resentment as I held onto pain from childhood for so long. I was angry and I SUFFERED over it. They never did or took responsibility for their part. I kept thinking like you, if I was compassionate and accepting..the better person it would somehow change how they felt about me. In your experience in this relationship  I see the similarity as you kept trying to adapt and accept to this man. I learned eventually after years of hurt and resentment that I needed to take the focus off of them and put it on me.  I needed to put the compassion and acceptance on me, my heart and value myself.  The quote that helped me put it into perspective is “Holding onto resentment and anger is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Your ex is not upset about how he treated you and if he is at all he is drowning that into the current relationship.You are suffering and grieving the loss of the relationship. Your suffering over how he could be the way he is being, will not change what he did or how he feels. I hope you don’t contact him in an attempt to feel better or understand why….I would hope that you become like a victorious warrior and refuse to ever let yourself be treated this way again, putting your needs and wants aside to be loved. It’s time to discover where you learned this. I am sending love to your heart and seeing you full of compassion for you and moving on.

  • Aidee

    Be strong and keep working on loving you, respecting you, accepting you and trusting you.
    Believe that you deserve the best and that the Universe will give it to you, just be patient.
    Finally, never stop loving!