My chest is tight just thinking about writing this. I recently realized, during a women’s conference that I am a becoming a river. I have been a scattered collection of creeks; moving through the landscape, following the path of least resistance. As this last year has proved, my environment can and will change, the question remains “How do I go?” not “Where do I go?”
I am typing this in the middle of my in-laws dining room and currently have nowhere else to put my 7 member family. We have been waiting for 6 weeks to buy a home, to live in a safe area for my children. I have put the needs of many before my own, for many years and suffered the consequences of giving up my power to provide comfort instead of love lessons.
I see the need for parents and have felt the guilt, the satiation of that hunger to be accepted as a good parent, by trying to fulfill others expectations. I fought and struggled against the 1 true thing that I knew and healed from, for what felt like 10 consecuetive years. Depression has been a faceless visitor in my life but I also know that there is no greater deterrent from becoming my true self than those distractions; depression, fear, doubt and disgust.
As I let this energy flow from me, I wish to express that despite what has felt like a damning of my soul and my dreams, God is allowing me to converge my small creeks into fewer flows, and grow stronger. I will let myself drop off the proverbial cliff of safety as a waterfall of emotion and surrender. I will become the mightiest river imaginable, that will cut through rock, and earth and make its own path, perhaps someday pooling into a beautiful oasis, where there is room for everyone to enjoy the fruits of our laborious journey.
I know this; The Uni-verse calls us to serve others. The Uni-verse Loves us and It desires, above all else, for us to know that It Loves and will help us.
A TDL Reader