I have been reading TDL for about 6 months now. It has been a huge help to me since I just graduated College this past May. I have never written in though, until today. I have been so angry with this guy, and I knew it’s because it stems from a situation I had 8 years ago.
Freshman year of High School, this sophomore guy asked me out. I was such an innocent and insecure girl desperately seeking validation from anyone other than myself, that I jumped at the opportunity to be “seen” with someone older and really cute with really cute friends because then maybe that made me a person worthy of love.
It being high school, we never really talked, but we would hold hands at school and that was about it. Then after a quick sequence of events he broke up with me about 2 weeks later in front of all of his friends at the Varsity Boys Basketball game. During halftime, which meant I had to walk to my seat in front of everyone in the gym with tears stains all down my face. I have yet to forget that visual and it brings tears to my eyes thinking about the embarrassment I felt. Two days later his friend started talking to me about what a loser that guy was. Then he asked me out. Again, gained validation of being chosen from a new guy. He picks me up for the movie date with my ex boyfriend in the car. I slowly put together that this was all a joke. They spread rumors about sexual situations that never happened that got around the entire school. Little, innocent, insecure, freshman me, had senior girls calling me a slut. It was awful.
From that point on every “good-looking” guy would never be able to like me because there would always be a joke behind it-I went into (and am still in) protection mode. I, to this day, cannot walk past a group of guys without holding my breath, praying I don’t hear a laugh (because it will be they are laughing at me) hoping I go either totally unnoticed or the opposite that they think I am gorgeous-giving me validation- but leaving it at that.
Now I am almost 23, I am working on building my life the way I want it. Feeling great, and then recently, this good-looking guy comes into my life. I still have no idea if we are future relationship material or just friends. But every time he doesn’t call, or is talking to one of his guy friends on the phone while I am there. I go back to high school. I go back to- “he could never like me, what are his real motives?” I don’t really even care if we end up dating or not. But I woke up so angry this morning and then read the title of today’s TDL and knew that almost 9 years later, it is time I find some way to move on. Some way to accept the past and find peace in that it’s okay I got hurt, and that I don’t have to hate those guys because now I can really start to find my “I am, and have ALWAYS been enough strength, which was what I lacked 9 years ago and have yet to ever find.
Thanks for listening.
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