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Daily Share – Tired Of Feeling Sad – Trying To Heal!

TDL_FB iconIt’s almost three years since he left. I still feel sad, hurt, and angry. I feel the loss for me and for our kids. He left for the other woman. She’s beautiful, ten years younger than me, more educated, less emotionally damaged and kind and caring from what I hear.

I’ve taken baby steps toward moving, often stalling my healing by jumping into new relationships too quickly with the wrong guys then feeling so discouraged when it doesn’t last. And suffer from another assault on my self-esteem.

People all around me seem happily married, getting engaged, having babies. I hate the envy I feel.

My ex and the other woman are playing out a wonderful love story. And two weeks ago I found out they are engaged and planning to start a family ASAP. My son is upset, he can’t imagine that he doesn’t have a dad full-time, but his dad’s future children will. And I have plummeted into a deep hole of grief, jealousy, so hurt. I have barely left my home since I found out, only for work. The thoughts consume me all the time, sad hateful vengeful thoughts.

I have a great nursing job that I would not have gotten if he never left. And the compassionate care of my patients has helped me heal. I have a house, after moving apt to apt for my kids’ lives, and I did that on my own. I have amazing new friends.

I ask The Uni-verse every day to help me let go. I’m tired, tired of feeling sad.

A TDL Reader

  • Olga

    Dear friend,
    I hear your pain and your sheer disbelief at everything that has happened to you. It seems so harsh and unfair for you and your children. Somebody’s selfish act of wanting to be happy can cost those around him so dearly. Your pain will have to run its course, the fire will be extinguished. Your trying to focus your energy outward will help this process, trust me. Be gentle to your wounded heart. This is a time for you to discover who you truly are and why you are so worthy of love. And as for your former husband, don’t think that his new relationship is perfect or devoid of problems, he will go through his fare share of issues, just like everybody else.
    Wishing you lots of love, patience and speedy recovery.

  • http://www.facebook.com/carol.shannon.39 Carol Shannon

    Hello, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through right now. I’m sending you loads of light and love to help you heal.

    I have firsthand knowledge of how hard divorce can be, mine ended after 25 years. We often “compare” ourselves to others and nothing good can ever come of it. You are your own unique individual, there is nobody else like you in the entire Universe, embrace that and look at all you’re doing for yourself and your children! Look how far you’ve come! Allow yourself to grieve without judgement. Scream, beat the crap out of a pillow, whatever it takes! I’m going to recommend an awesome book by a woman who’s been about as low as one can get. It’s called “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie. It really helps us to realize that when we argue with reality we constantly set ourselves up for mental anguish. She will help you end that cycle. She has other wonderful books as well if you like that one. First and foremost, LOVE AND ACCEPT YOURSELF in every way imaginable. There’s no room to beat yourself up for anything, you’ve done nothing wrong and it only works against you. I know you’ll get loads of awesome advice from so many other people here today. Best to you and your children in your new life.

    Namaste

  • kathleen

    As one who has suffered the heartache of betrayal I send you love & light. The only way through the heartache is to allow yourself to feel it, acknowledge it, allow yourself to grieve, be angry. Then you can move forward. You will never be the same person you were before but that’s OK, you’ll be stronger, wiser & more compassionate. There are no quick fixes for a broken heart. My advice if I may, is to start a gratitude journal, because what you focus on is what you get more of. Tell the Universe what you are grateful for everyday & see how those things multiply.

    • http://www.facebook.com/carie.bean Carie Bean

      This is great advice. It really worked for me

  • MeredithShay

    My parents situation was kind of similar to what you are going through. I have a different perspective on the situation. But first I wanted to say that I can hear your pain, and I am sorry that you have to go through it.

    In my own situation at the time I was envious of my Dad’s other family and step children (in which he took on as his own). I was being raised by a single mother and I didn’t understand why my parents couldn’t just work things out. It took a long time of going through the pain of thinking I was entitled for things to never change just to avoid hurt in life.

    I am now at the point where I can accept my parents divorce, and can see the good in what happened. Does this mean I wanted it to happen? No. People don’t want and seek out to be hurt. But without that divorce my family wouldn’t have turned out the way they are today. I can see the good that happened out of that situation. Towards the end of your post you mentioned you became a nurse that you probably wouldn’t have otherwise become without this situation. That is a great outlook!

    Even when hurtful things happen, I believe the Uni-verse is guiding us to find the useful nuggets in the situation to help us become our best self. You said it yourself, you are tired of being sad. Keep digging and learning from the situation. Be refined by this fire you are going through. You are one strong Mama, and your child will see that!

    Wishing you insight during this time in your life.

    Meredith

  • Coco

    Sending you a big hug lady! Your situation is similiar to mine so as I was reading your post I was relating and thinking of my son who craving time with his dad.

    After my spouse left I met someone about 6 months after and ended up engaged but to the wrong person. It did nothing for my self esteem, Quite the opposite. I left that relationship as i found him cheating on me as well.

    Its been 15 months and I am so ready to be in another relationship but I want it so badly that I am sabotaging any relationship that has potential. I get too excited and try and move it along faster than it can and it scares men away.

    I am working on my issues of not feeling lovable and its hard work. Although i know that i will meet someone one day there is that demon that consistently follows me around telling me otherwise.

    Try and love yourself and love will find you. Surround yourself with wonderful friendships because your girl friends will lift you up to where you need to be. Its a hard journey but we will get there.

    Congratulations on your new job. In your time of strife you rose above and that in its self tells you what you can accomplish.

  • http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/ Sarah Noel

    It sounds to me like you need someone to talk to. Either a good friend, who knows how to “live in love” or a qualified therapist. You need to move on. I get the envy you feel for friends, and strangers, when you see them seemingly happy and getting married, having kids, etc. It’s the live you want. And the life you had, or thought you had. But things unfolded for you as they did for a reason. A distinct purpose that is for your GREATEST GOOD!

    You pointed out that you wouldn’t have gotten the great job you did as a nurse had your husband not left. And you got a house all on your own too. Those are great accomplishments!! But I still feel you’re not really happy. Not fulfilled.

    I feel that you’re harboring a lot of resentment and anger towards your ex. You see him creating a new life with someone else, when that person should be you. And it WAS you, some years ago. You feel hurt, betrayed, and cast aside. That’s totally normal and understandable. So what do you do from here?
    You’re already on the right track with the job and house. And it sounds like you have good friends, so that’s a definite plus! But I’d like to encourage you to get ok with your life as it is RIGHT NOW. Your kids, no doubt, see and feel your anger and envy. That’s not good for them. If it’s hard for you to live in love for YOU, then live in love for them!

    Some activities I’d suggest that may help are journaling, meditating, and seeing a therapist. Any of those 3, or a combo, I think will help. But beneath all that, you need to open your heart. Focus on the Love. Remember, LOVE is there, with you, inside you, ALL THE TIME. You just have to see it.

    This is certainly a tough hand you’ve been dealt. No one will deny that. But all you can do it move forward FROM HERE. And move forward IN LOVE! Go about creating the life you DO want. And be happy now! See the love that is all around you. Notice what you’re grateful for — your job, house, kids, friends, yourself. Instead of focusing on what you don’t have (the husband), focus on what you do have. And be kind to yourself! Be gentle. Be patient. Do nice things for YOU. Treat yourself to a coffee break at a cool café. Or a nice dinner out (alone or with friends or your kids). Or whatever other things you enjoy and find simply pleasurable. Life is still good. Love is all around you. Open your eyes and your heart and see that.

    I wish you ALL the best!!! Remember the sun is still shining, even if it’s covered by clouds.

    Sarah
    http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/2013/05/stay-your-course.html

    • akalionheart

      Sarah, What a beautiful, non-selfish reply. Such wonderfully caring advice. You are a gem!

      • http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/ Sarah Noel

        Oh, thanks! :) That’s very nice of you to say.

  • toalexis

    Yes, hugs your way. I am going through a similar situation and some days are much harder than others. I wanted to recommend a book that I am reading now, and it is helping me to change my thought process and is giving me a new way to look at things. My mom read it years ago when my father left her, and she told me about it. It is by Louise L. Hay and is called “you can heal your life”. I hope you find it helpful. Keep your head up and don’t give in to the negative thoughts. You can over come this, you will over come this.

  • Connie Costa

    You have explained feelings that are so human. Very expected of all of us who go through the things you are going through. However, these points I would like to offer for your consideration:

    1) Your husband didn’t leave you and your children for another woman. He left the marriage you two had. For thousands of years, organized religion has insisted God is agains divorce, because of these scripture words ” That which God unites no man can separate.” Interpreted diferently, it means two human beings united by the creation of new life can never live apart from each other, but are forever bonded by the spiritual connection of the new lives they created. So, feeling anything other then gratitude for the time the two of you were in each other’s lives and for the souls you both brought into the world, as well as feeling happy for his happiness with the new wife to be, is going to hinder your own attainment of happiness and fulfillment, even finding a new and loving relationship. We attract what we are and what we feel. The only approach to change is to feel differently about yourself, the father of your children and his new wife to be. You say she’s younger than you and beautiful. Well, what did you expect a man who chose you for his wife and mother of his children to choose this time around? Beautiful women seem to be his thing. That she’s younger is just a number. We are as young as we act.
    If you want love, give love. Love him again. Love her too for being in his life and making him happy. Encourage your children to love her too. Clearly you are a loving person or you would not have been guided to nursing. If your ex-husband was still in your life you would not have become a nurse. You say this yourself. Guess what? He prepared you for this moment by being in your life as long as he was. Be grateful he did. Love him even more for that too.
    2) Friends, accomplishments and envy. I can only assume you have good feelings towards these people you call friends. Why wouldn’t you want them to be happy? How can their happiness delay yours? If anything it should maximize it. The happiness they have casts no shadow on your own. You see, only you can make yourself happy. The Uni-verse is so perfect It wouldn’t place in the hands of one human being the happiness of another. It wouldn’t be fair. The Uni-verse is the ultimate Just Machine. Accomplishments: having things, such as a nursing degree and a house don’t define you. What defines you in your text is the loving relationship you have with the patients you care for. If you can love them, you love yourself. No one can love unless they feel it first. Give it freely. The more you give away, the more will return to you. Teach your children to do the same. Envy: a pathetic sentiment. It destroys everything you create. It makes pain you don’t want. Get rid of it. Love the life you have, not the life you want. By being happy in the moment, you will attract to your life all that you desire, especially if these are things or people that will help you to serve your purpose in life.
    Many times we pray for things we never receive. Why? They do not assist in the purpose that brought us here to this life, this time around. They are not part of our Contract. May I suggest you read “The Gift Of Change” by Marianne Williamson? You will find many answers to your questions there.
    Blessings and Peace.

    • gauri

      Wonderful !!

  • Gauri

    Hey dear …..First of all my BIG HUG to you :) though i haven’t had the chance to experience the pain that you are going through but my heart is so much resonating with the pain that you described… ..with all my heart and soul i wan’t to say that ” LIVE YOUR BEST ” and to me it means be compassionate to ALL, then your life can never be short of love, light and abundance. I used to feel a lot of grudges against so many people …and believe me that didn’t help but made me feel sick everyday. The day I got this wisdom from my heart that – “This is a GOD’s world and nothing is, was or can be unfair in this world, No-one can harm us but can do only GOOD to us – we choose to hurt ourselves, above all – they are they God have made them that ways and me my way for a PURPOSE” – I choose to move on … on the mission of being my best. Slowly and slowly ..taking small steps everyday…spreading love on my way .. i have found a lot of happiness and fulfillment. I AM SORRY … can I ask a question? Would you be feeling this SAD if your husband would have died ( God Forbid )? or Doing really bad in his life ? and What do you think he will be feeling about you … wouldn’t he be sensing your jealousy? Anyways all that doesn’t matter if you accept the truth completely .. your husband was a part of your life…he has left but you still have your life. And what about KIDS? Wouldn’t they be sensing your emotions and may be subconsciously feeling that they are not of much value… as you are grieving so much about the gone DAD. I am sure they are angry …not because their dad will be having fun but because their mother is feeling terrible at him having fun. They must be upset that dad is no more in their life but they are deeply hurt by being connected to your hurt and you feel all the more sad at your kids anger and loss. Unknowingly YOU GUYS are multiplying your sorrows :( Your husband chose a life for himself but Who’s stopping you? I am sure that you would love to be a dynamic MOM who is the CAPTAIN of your ship (LIFE) with all of you on board … with your kids completely dependent on your experience of SAILING (through the hardships of life) and steer it successfully towards serene shores (PEACEFUL LIVING). And I am SURE there can be a lot of PARTYING on the go as your ship is loaded with goodies and hidden treasures :) . Believe me your hands are full. When all of you will team up to support and value each other abundantly and take progressive steps to feel special – this loss would be cherished for giving all of you so much strength and perspective. All The Best For Happy Sailing :)