Daily Share: Totally Scared But Ready To Move On! - Daily Love with Mastin Kipp

Daily Share: Totally Scared But Ready To Move On!

Hey Mastin,

I’ve been receiving your inspirational daily love emails for six months – I subscribed about the time that my life changed dramatically and I really thought I was done.

In Sept 2011, my amazing and beautiful mum passed away after a long and courageous fight with illness. At the same time, my partner and I of ten years were experiencing many problems – that had been going on for a few years. Unfortunately, the relationship also did not survive.

My mum had a huge stroke in early 2009 and developed server dementia. She was wheelchair bound and needed around the clock care after the stroke – so my mum and dad moved into a care facility. During 2010 and 2011, she deteriorated and finally passed away. She was my best friend, my confidante and constant supporter. Until the stroke, she was a vibrant, creative, articulate person that loved life and everyone in it. She was a fashionista, theatrical, flamboyant, loved to dance, create and show her love through loads of food – very European. I really had no chance of growing up straight!!! Mum believed in falling in love and finding the one – she had done so in my dad. This was instilled in me from a very young age. She’s now gone – it’s been 6 months and the pain seems to increase daily.

For all of my 20′s – I searched to find my way in the world – as most do, through my career, friends, and many failed relationships!!! When I turned 30 – I proclaimed that the one doesn’t exist and I was destined to be on my own – it’s too hard to find the elusive “needle in a Gay-stack” – someone that would want to build a loving a monogamous life with me. So, I was done!!! My mum however, didn’t give up and kept the dream alive with her constant love, support and stories of romance and passion – mum always believed in the “Happily Ever After” myth.

True to my mums words – I met my partner “M” on 18 Nov 2011 in a random cafe in a small sea side town (1200 miles from my home) – we instantly connected!! He was beautiful, articulate, smart, young and mesmerizing!!! I fell deeply, head over heals, COO COO in love with him – and I think he was in love with me, at very least he loved me. I really felt that I had found the “One” – the person I would share all my hopes and dreams with, the good and the bad times, and grow old with. We were perfect together – he was my ying to his yang – we were complete opposites. Me – loud, flamboyant, spontaneous and a bit mad. Him – practical, logical and quiet. He was a good boy, with old fashioned values and a caring nature. We did complement each other perfectly. I thought we would be together for ever.

Unfortunately, this was not to be the case. “M” and I begun traveling down different paths a few years ago. I’m from Melbourne, Australia and my partner was originally from Sydney. We lived in Melbourne together – happily for just over 8 years. However, about the same time that mum had the stroke, “M” become restless and unhappy with what I thought was our perfect life here in Melbourne – a fantastic apartment in Melbourne, a beautiful beach house down the coast, amazing friends and family around us, a thriving business, money and glamorous overseas travel. All achieved in our mid 30′s!! This wasn’t enough for him – he wanted to move to NYC for an “adventure” as he would constantly put it. This had been his dream – and the calling was getting stronger. He was so unhappy here – so I agreed to take this “adventure” with him. I encouraged him to head to NYC first and sort things out. We had decided on 2 years in NYC then back home. I thought it would be a tough ask securing work in NYC, especially with the downturn in the US economy and his non-existent experience in the US market. I really thought it would be impossible and that he would be home in 3 months – tops!! I was willing to take the risk.

While my mum continued to deteriorate, he moved half way across the world in Oct 2010 to look for a job and begin setting up our new life. He landed a great job in 6 weeks. What are the odds!!! The Uni-verse was working for me or against me – either way, all just clicked into place for him. All the while, I was back here in Melbourne looking after my parents’ affairs and making sure mum was OK. I joined him for Thanksgiving 2010 and I stayed until late Jan 2011. During this time together in NYC, we had to set up a new life – however, all we did was argue, disconnect and begun to resent each other. He couldn’t understand my stress and unhappiness and I couldn’t understand his pure joy and excitement. I came home in early Feb 2011 to begin the dismantling of our life here – sell the beach house, sell the cars, rent out the apartment and say good bye – as he was grabbing hold of his dreams – I was letting go of mine. I was miserable.  I stayed home for a few months – finding it impossible to let go of my old life here and say good-bye. During this time, we grew further apart – as he forged ahead and built a new life in NYC – New job, apartment, friends and experiences. All devoid of me. I finally made it back to NYC in May, with a very heavy heart having said good bye to mum and things become more distorted between us. I became unhappy, angry and resentful. I directed most of this at him. Finally, I received a call in early Sept 2011 from home that my mum was dying – I sped to JFK and got on the first flight home. I made it back home just in time. I was by mum’s side day and night until she passed away 3 days later.

To say I was devastated is an understatement. I know we will all lose our parents, however, I lost my best friend at a time when I really needed her. Mum’s funeral was the following week, and getting “M” back to Melbourne was close to impossible – at this time I needed him the most, he was generally unavailable – emotionally and physically. Ambivalent, he shunted the responsibility to my friends and family back home. He finally came home for the funeral and stayed for two weeks – all we did was argue. On the day he left for NYC – at the airport, he made it very clear that he did not want to come back to Australia – I needed to make a decision. The game kept changing – we had originally agreed on two years in NYC and now he didn’t want to come back!!! My father had lost his soul mate of 45 years, I was falling apart – physically and mentally and this is what I got at the airport before he boarded a 30-hour transit flight!  I was in shock.

The following months are a haze, I became very sick and thank goodness for my friends – I got through it. However, during this time, I hardly heard from him – he was busy. We have a saying in Australia – “Blind Freddy” could see it was over – and it was. I tried in vain to reconnect with him via skype, calls, email but nothing – in the end, I had to be the strong one and call it off – “M” never liked to be the bad guy – so I was.

The past 6 months have been hell – the worst and lowest points in my life. I considered daily on ending it, however, the love and care of my friends and family helped me through it.

I’m sad that I’ve lost my two best friends in the world – the two people that loved me. My mum with her unconditional love and support that no matter what I did, who I was or what I threw at her, she still loved me. She was my inspiration, supporter and all she did was fill me with love and encouragement. She was always proud of me and told me often. She thought I was a star. That’s all gone now.

“M” was the love of my life – my friend, my lover and my companion. I was so in love with him. I gave him all my heart, soul and passion.  He made me feel at home, cared for and loved. I’m sad that I have lost this amazing connection and that I no longer can share all the ups and downs with him. Every part of the day, I think of him and want to speak to him, hug him and tell him that everything will be fine – but it’s not.

What I’m grateful for is all the love I have received from so many.

Unconditional, supporting and encouraging love – it’s been overwhelming. I’m also grateful that I have my future – I’m so scared, but I will move on. I have no idea what my dream is for the next phase of my life. Most days I feel daunted that I’m starting all over again in my 40′s – however, this is what it is – and The Uni-verse has provided me with this opportunity – I hope I can make It happy. I also hope I can find amazing love again – this scares me the most. Was “M” my one true love and that’s it??? Or do I get another chance??? I have no idea – the thought of not falling in love and having the “one” by my side makes me feel a bit sick. However, I forge ahead.

Thanx so much Mastin for all your insights and encouragement – It has helped more than you will ever know.

Keep up the great work.

All the best – A TDL Reader

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