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Daily Share: Totally Scared But Ready To Move On!

Hey Mastin,

I’ve been receiving your inspirational daily love emails for six months – I subscribed about the time that my life changed dramatically and I really thought I was done.

In Sept 2011, my amazing and beautiful mum passed away after a long and courageous fight with illness. At the same time, my partner and I of ten years were experiencing many problems – that had been going on for a few years. Unfortunately, the relationship also did not survive.

My mum had a huge stroke in early 2009 and developed server dementia. She was wheelchair bound and needed around the clock care after the stroke – so my mum and dad moved into a care facility. During 2010 and 2011, she deteriorated and finally passed away. She was my best friend, my confidante and constant supporter. Until the stroke, she was a vibrant, creative, articulate person that loved life and everyone in it. She was a fashionista, theatrical, flamboyant, loved to dance, create and show her love through loads of food – very European. I really had no chance of growing up straight!!! Mum believed in falling in love and finding the one – she had done so in my dad. This was instilled in me from a very young age. She’s now gone – it’s been 6 months and the pain seems to increase daily.

For all of my 20′s – I searched to find my way in the world – as most do, through my career, friends, and many failed relationships!!! When I turned 30 – I proclaimed that the one doesn’t exist and I was destined to be on my own – it’s too hard to find the elusive “needle in a Gay-stack” – someone that would want to build a loving a monogamous life with me. So, I was done!!! My mum however, didn’t give up and kept the dream alive with her constant love, support and stories of romance and passion – mum always believed in the “Happily Ever After” myth.

True to my mums words – I met my partner “M” on 18 Nov 2011 in a random cafe in a small sea side town (1200 miles from my home) – we instantly connected!! He was beautiful, articulate, smart, young and mesmerizing!!! I fell deeply, head over heals, COO COO in love with him – and I think he was in love with me, at very least he loved me. I really felt that I had found the “One” – the person I would share all my hopes and dreams with, the good and the bad times, and grow old with. We were perfect together – he was my ying to his yang – we were complete opposites. Me – loud, flamboyant, spontaneous and a bit mad. Him – practical, logical and quiet. He was a good boy, with old fashioned values and a caring nature. We did complement each other perfectly. I thought we would be together for ever.

Unfortunately, this was not to be the case. “M” and I begun traveling down different paths a few years ago. I’m from Melbourne, Australia and my partner was originally from Sydney. We lived in Melbourne together – happily for just over 8 years. However, about the same time that mum had the stroke, “M” become restless and unhappy with what I thought was our perfect life here in Melbourne – a fantastic apartment in Melbourne, a beautiful beach house down the coast, amazing friends and family around us, a thriving business, money and glamorous overseas travel. All achieved in our mid 30′s!! This wasn’t enough for him – he wanted to move to NYC for an “adventure” as he would constantly put it. This had been his dream – and the calling was getting stronger. He was so unhappy here – so I agreed to take this “adventure” with him. I encouraged him to head to NYC first and sort things out. We had decided on 2 years in NYC then back home. I thought it would be a tough ask securing work in NYC, especially with the downturn in the US economy and his non-existent experience in the US market. I really thought it would be impossible and that he would be home in 3 months – tops!! I was willing to take the risk.

While my mum continued to deteriorate, he moved half way across the world in Oct 2010 to look for a job and begin setting up our new life. He landed a great job in 6 weeks. What are the odds!!! The Uni-verse was working for me or against me – either way, all just clicked into place for him. All the while, I was back here in Melbourne looking after my parents’ affairs and making sure mum was OK. I joined him for Thanksgiving 2010 and I stayed until late Jan 2011. During this time together in NYC, we had to set up a new life – however, all we did was argue, disconnect and begun to resent each other. He couldn’t understand my stress and unhappiness and I couldn’t understand his pure joy and excitement. I came home in early Feb 2011 to begin the dismantling of our life here – sell the beach house, sell the cars, rent out the apartment and say good bye – as he was grabbing hold of his dreams – I was letting go of mine. I was miserable.  I stayed home for a few months – finding it impossible to let go of my old life here and say good-bye. During this time, we grew further apart – as he forged ahead and built a new life in NYC – New job, apartment, friends and experiences. All devoid of me. I finally made it back to NYC in May, with a very heavy heart having said good bye to mum and things become more distorted between us. I became unhappy, angry and resentful. I directed most of this at him. Finally, I received a call in early Sept 2011 from home that my mum was dying – I sped to JFK and got on the first flight home. I made it back home just in time. I was by mum’s side day and night until she passed away 3 days later.

To say I was devastated is an understatement. I know we will all lose our parents, however, I lost my best friend at a time when I really needed her. Mum’s funeral was the following week, and getting “M” back to Melbourne was close to impossible – at this time I needed him the most, he was generally unavailable – emotionally and physically. Ambivalent, he shunted the responsibility to my friends and family back home. He finally came home for the funeral and stayed for two weeks – all we did was argue. On the day he left for NYC – at the airport, he made it very clear that he did not want to come back to Australia – I needed to make a decision. The game kept changing – we had originally agreed on two years in NYC and now he didn’t want to come back!!! My father had lost his soul mate of 45 years, I was falling apart – physically and mentally and this is what I got at the airport before he boarded a 30-hour transit flight!  I was in shock.

The following months are a haze, I became very sick and thank goodness for my friends – I got through it. However, during this time, I hardly heard from him – he was busy. We have a saying in Australia – “Blind Freddy” could see it was over – and it was. I tried in vain to reconnect with him via skype, calls, email but nothing – in the end, I had to be the strong one and call it off – “M” never liked to be the bad guy – so I was.

The past 6 months have been hell – the worst and lowest points in my life. I considered daily on ending it, however, the love and care of my friends and family helped me through it.

I’m sad that I’ve lost my two best friends in the world – the two people that loved me. My mum with her unconditional love and support that no matter what I did, who I was or what I threw at her, she still loved me. She was my inspiration, supporter and all she did was fill me with love and encouragement. She was always proud of me and told me often. She thought I was a star. That’s all gone now.

“M” was the love of my life – my friend, my lover and my companion. I was so in love with him. I gave him all my heart, soul and passion.  He made me feel at home, cared for and loved. I’m sad that I have lost this amazing connection and that I no longer can share all the ups and downs with him. Every part of the day, I think of him and want to speak to him, hug him and tell him that everything will be fine – but it’s not.

What I’m grateful for is all the love I have received from so many.

Unconditional, supporting and encouraging love – it’s been overwhelming. I’m also grateful that I have my future – I’m so scared, but I will move on. I have no idea what my dream is for the next phase of my life. Most days I feel daunted that I’m starting all over again in my 40′s – however, this is what it is – and The Uni-verse has provided me with this opportunity – I hope I can make It happy. I also hope I can find amazing love again – this scares me the most. Was “M” my one true love and that’s it??? Or do I get another chance??? I have no idea – the thought of not falling in love and having the “one” by my side makes me feel a bit sick. However, I forge ahead.

Thanx so much Mastin for all your insights and encouragement – It has helped more than you will ever know.

Keep up the great work.

All the best – A TDL Reader

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This was shared with the author’s permission. We take your privacy seriously and would never publish something without your consent. Share what you’re going through by sending Mastin an email: [email protected].

  • Jane Lewis

    God bless you for being a brave soul and telling your life story via Mastin’s blog. Even if you feel weak and confused, you are helping others understand that unexpected things can happen in life. Thanks for this post…I’m sure you will be guided some how. Peace & Love

  • Tiffany

    I agree with Jane!  You are one strong person and I admire you for sharing your story.  I’m in my early twenties and feel perfectly content some days and lost, others.  Some days i know the direction I want to go with my life and other days I have no clue.  Reading Mastin’s blog helps me me every morning but I know it ultimately takes me and my choices for full happiness.

    I hope the best for you in the next phase of your life.  I’m a sucker for love and romance and believe that you’ll find that special someone again.  But for now, enjoy your life and do things you have yet to do in your life.  I’m sure you’ll wake up soon enough with a smile and feeling of content. 

  • Cyndee

    Yes, thank you so much for sharing. I feel you and so totally relate as I am starting over as well and am quite a few years older than you. Staying open to love is necessary but difficult after being hurt. But we so have to do it and I believe we are all the better for it. Understand also that your ex benefited from the love, care, and nurturing you provided. It may have been what actually gave him the courage to seek his dream. No matter how much we love we have to remember that we can not contain or deter the dreams of others no matter how strong our love. Sadly, the very love we provide can be the impetus that encourages the person we love to seek out their own dream. From what you described I believe their is much of your mother in you. You will love again and you will be all the wiser for it.

  • Moyleshire

    “What I’m grateful for is all the love I have received from so many…. Keep up the great work.”

  • eb

    This is crazy but I met you and your amazing best friends at Mozza when you visited L.A. a few months back!!!  I have forgotten your name but I think about you often. This is amazing!!! I was eating alone. You were fresh from this break up and your beautiful mother’s passing, and you were so warm, fun, and inviting. We all talked and laughed as if we’d known each other forever. Listen, I know you can’t see it now, but after knowing you for a couple of hours I KNOW that you will have the love of a good man.  Whether it’s from “M” or some one else. The good love is what’s important. You are an incredible man and you deserve the best.

  • Yansy Cordon

    Hi there!
    I think that you love each other a lot, but he wasn’t your true love, because when you really love someone your dreams doesn’t have a meaning if you aren’t together.
    You two as a couple are the most important part of your life, loving and supporting each other but both of you have to feel happy for each other and for yourselves.
    Ask God to send you the one for you, your true love. Now you have the best Angel to help you to find him “the one”, I also lost my mom and Thanks to God I found my True Love and I am the happiest woman in the world, our Love had never change and I left everything behind when I move to another country with him and you know what? life give you test and after two years of having it all, we got poor and hungry, but because our love and understanding each other, we didn’t judge our mistakes, we supported each other until we saw a light moving to another country and living all the family, friends and things that wasn’t that important as us, We love all of them and our house and stuff, but we were together in this, we were the important people “Family” in this moment that needed to get up, so we did it together and we still living our love as happy as the first time we saw each others eyes.
    We always said that we can start all over again anywhere in the world as long we have each other.
    I wish you the best, you deserve to be love from your true love and I’m sure that your Angel will help you to find it.
    hugs