I recently experienced a family suicide. He was my awesome and funny nephew of 24 years and a Marine combat vet that served two tours in Afghanistan and Iraq. He took his life when it seemed to him that it was unfixable. We now clearly understand that post-traumatic stress disorder was a huge factor in his inability to transition back into civilian society. I have never felt such grief in my life, in spite of losing a father and grandparents before his time. The survivors of suicide get a special gift of incredible guilt and shock, which shakes the bedrock of their lives.
At the same time, my boyfriend of 4 years was unprepared to deal with the intense grief I was experiencing. Once the military funeral was over, I sensed his impatience for my continued sadness. I know he was not connected to this young man the same as I so I understood it to a point. I asked him for time alone to be in the company of my family so we could continue to talk about our grief freely. Frankly, outside of the small circle of family and very close friends of a suicide victim, others grow tired of our need to keep talking about it. So, by week two after the passing, my boyfriend expressed that I was making my grieving process, the subsequent attention by way of condolences, and hiding out in the house all about me. I was being selfish. At this point, I saw his selfishness clearly and asked him to leave my house. If I was demanded to choose between grieving over the continuance of a relationship with him, I had no other choice but to choose to grieve. I couldn’t not grieve anyway. We haven’t spoken and it appears all is over between us. Now I have the loss of two pivotal people in my life, all at once. I’ve been trying to be still. I’ve been trying to not be fearful of the changes. Nothing is a coincidence, but would love some perspective from others that study the spiritual journey.
A TDL Reader