What I’m going through is a strange mixture of reality and fantasy. Most of my romantic experiences have been short lived and a long time ago. I haven’t dated for the past 10 years or so. Now I’m 43 and though not totally over the hill, I occasionally think I might never find anyone for me. A lot of my lack of relationship, probably 90%, comes from not feeling adequate.
Very recently, just in the last few days I’ve begun to realize it has less to do with the girl than with me. There is that cliche that girls love to hate, “It’s not you, it’s me.” As cliche as it sounds, I believe it’s down right true. I mean, of course the girl needs to be what the guy wants, but deeper than that is our self image and so many deeper things.
Growing up in a Christian minister’s home, I have some high moral standards to live up to. And not just to please family but God himself. If that issue isn’t settled, it’s impossible to move forward in any relationship. It’s doomed to fail from the start, because at some point I always find myself feeling like I’m leaving God to the side so I can pursue the new woman I’ve found. And the newer the woman, the more foreign she seems to my life and what I’m trying to remain faithful to.
The only halfway real thing has been a long distance relationship that has dragged on so long that I’ve pretty much lost interest in it and her. I don’t know where I’m going with this, just posting where I am and what I’m going through.
A TDL Reader