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Daily Share – Waiting For The Right One

TDL_FB-iconWhat I’m going through is a strange mixture of reality and fantasy. Most of my romantic experiences have been short lived and a long time ago. I haven’t dated for the past 10 years or so. Now I’m 43 and though not totally over the hill, I occasionally think I might never find anyone for me. A lot of my lack of relationship, probably 90%, comes from not feeling adequate.

Very recently, just in the last few days I’ve begun to realize it has less to do with the girl than with me. There is that cliche that girls love to hate, “It’s not you, it’s me.” As cliche as it sounds, I believe it’s down right true. I mean, of course the girl needs to be what the guy wants, but deeper than that is our self image and so many deeper things.

Growing up in a Christian minister’s home, I have some high moral standards to live up to. And not just to please family but God himself. If that issue isn’t settled, it’s impossible to move forward in any relationship. It’s doomed to fail from the start, because at some point I always find myself feeling like I’m leaving God to the side so I can pursue the new woman I’ve found. And the newer the woman, the more foreign she seems to my life and what I’m trying to remain faithful to.

The only halfway real thing has been a long distance relationship that has dragged on so long that I’ve pretty much lost interest in it and her. I don’t know where I’m going with this, just posting where I am and what I’m going through.

A TDL Reader

  • Kath222

    Connection: connection to self, connection to God/Divine, connection to others. The issue here is connection – deep seated, intimate, knowing, trusting, safe, passionate, connection. This is what you are looking to explore and heal right now. Everything starts with self and is reflected outward.

    You say you do not feel adequate. Your connection with yourself is wounded, my friend. You are completely adequate in every way – you are a divine spark of God. You are exploring, learning and growing in this world as we all are – this is why we are here – to grow, experience, learn and CREATE. Create what we want in our lives, including loving healthy relationship with ourselves and with others.

    How can it be wrong to love? How can an intimate, loving and caring relationship with a woman, take you away from God? It seems to me it would bring you closer. Look at your belief systems around your understanding of God and what you feel is required to be in relationship and service with God. Choose love, my dear one. Love of yourself and love of other. Choose love, not separation. It is your birthright to love, to give and receive love. Stop denying yourself what is truly yours.

    I wish for you love – divine holy love in all its forms. Passionate LOVE. Go for it!! My love to you.

  • Andrew

    Hi,
    I can resonate with your situation in a few different ways. I had a very controlled and “conditioning” style upbringing. My parents did not encourage thinking outside of their limited beliefs and I grew up very repressed. i did not realise this untill fairly recently. I married at the age of 25 and after 20 years of marriage, we separated. This was two years ago. it has been the toughest two years of my life, however, i feel I am coming through the fog of it all and believe that it has been the most growth as an individual that I have ever experienced.
    My history, I think, illustrates some great similaraties to yours, except for the fact that you did not marry. You might say that this is a fundamental difference, however, you can still be married and lonely. You can still be single and be loved and feel complete. The marriage status is the only bogus difference. I grew up believing and commited to a life with only one partner, for “saving myself” to be in the sanctity of marriage. My wife, prior to me, had a few different partners and this is something I knew of and we had discussed prior to our marriage. At the end of the day, my conditioning that a “life commitment” is the only path that is sanctioned by God, is what I now disagree with. I don’t think this is God’s law or God’s intent. I think this is the Church’s interpretation of it.
    You mention that you have “some high moral standards to live up to”, but are these your standards, or are these the generational beliefs that have been thrust upon you by your parents and family? Do you really believe that you would be “leaving God” by exploring a relationship with a woman you have met and made a connection with. I’m not talking about a one night stand or a short term fling, but an honest, open and caring relationship that you may one day find.
    I think you are closing yourself off to the possibility of happiness. I also think that you’ve hit the nail on the head with believing a lot of this comes down to a feeling of lack of adequateness. You also believe that the pool of women who fit your profile of “living up to your expectation” interms of virtue and integrity is so small, that you may as well not bother.
    I think you need to re-evaluate. I am a recently separated man, aged 47. I have the option to live the rest of my life on my own. You are 43 and have the same option. You have not dated for 10 years. I have not dated for 24 years. It is frightening the hell out of me. The reality is that we can choose. What would God want? Think back to the bible parable of the talents. Should we bury our talents in the ground and not use them, or should we make the best of them?
    The life you have led demonstrates integrity, honesty and commitment. I am sure that you can find qualities in a woman that compliment and amplify these. And, in the same way, I am sure that you can amplify her qualities. We need to be less hung up on the rigid “perception” of what God would want and the rigid dogma of the Church. We should focus on our own emotional guidance system because this is how we truly know when we’re headed in the right direction. You will know when the right person comes along for you. Sometimes, it takes longer than we’d like, but if you truly have faith and belief, then it will happen for you.
    I wish you much good fortune and love on your journey.
    Andrew