I believe I’m trying to break a pattern. It’s been difficult for me to talk about this, but in my younger days my mother would tell me such hurtful things when she was displeased with me. As I got older I realized she didn’t really mean those things, but how did I find out? I myself picked up the habit. Soon enough I realized that what my mom was doing to me, her mom did to her.
The greatest test of all of this was when I met my last boyfriend. There was something about him that made me feel unsafe and insecure. I never truly felt loved and fulfilled with him. Whenever he did something I didn’t like, I saw it as the end of the world…and I’d spew out such hurtful and hateful comments, only to regret those 2 seconds later. We finally broke up after him breaking my trust and revealing the details of a private conversation we had to a friend. I was so hurt that I hit him with a barrage of insults. I pushed him further and further away.
Now we hardly speak, and he refuses to see me. It hurts because I entered such rage and I know I hurt him in turn. It hurts that I may have squandered love. I don’t want to be in a relationship with him again, but I’ve burned a bridge and it feels like there isn’t an ash to show.
What I want is to conquer my fear, my guilt and my regret. I want to accept my mistakes and move on.
A TDL Reader