Daily Share – Was I Wrong To Be Myself In My Own Home?

First of all thank you for providing this outlet! It comes as a relief to me in my state of confusion to get some feedback from it.

Personally I would have asked the person what I’m about to ask you to share or elaborate on… but you will read why that wasn’t an option. Here it goes: Sometimes things go as planned, and then sometimes The Uni-verse has a different plan. Seeing the best of my current situation, I found myself coming from a place of acceptance and forgiveness to establish a friendship out of what most would give up on due to rejection, hurt or fear. I stood by my boundaries and respected them as I did myself. I believe in love and that it should be given unconditionally.

So here I was, in the midst of my day, asked for a favor and in my playful loving character said something along the lines of, “Sure! With one condition, smile for me!” I said this only because I recognized a heavy weight was holding him back from being his usual self. B@@M!

Getting up from his desk and packing his belongings, he was annoyed, disturbed and blurted, “I don’t need this S*%t, I’ll go somewhere else to finish my work!” I held in what I wanted to say because I did not want to worsen the situation but I did ask, “By s*&t, what do you refer to?” He replied, “you touching my face, telling me to do things…” The use of other improper words were expressed and at that point I sat in awe at what had just happened. I was being nice and instead a time bomb went off making me feel like I had pushed it too far as he left with his belongings. I later sent him a text telling him that I did not feel I had crossed a boundary since I was being me in my home. I also explained I cared about him and was only trying to reach out not expecting him to react in discomfort. I suggested to leave him alone. Here’s where I am confused. Was I in my wrong as I was just being me in the comfort of my own home? Should I have not meddled in trying to put a smile on a friend’s face?

A TDL Reader

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Tallgirl

You are never wrong. One thing to consider is he might have felt your energy was tugging at him to be and do something he wasn’t instead of accepting. Maybe you could look into your heart and understand if you were just being or pulling.
Eveline Almeida

There’s no wrong or right. You did what you thought it was the best to do at that moment. He’s probably feeling guilty for something he cannot do and when you ask him to do he feels guilty for not being able to do it himself. What about instead of asking him to smile you don’t make him smile somehow?
Erin

What you did was not wrong, his reaction was completely out of proportion to the situation. It sounds like he was looking for an excuse to leave the friendship/relationship and this just gave him an out. I;m sure this wasn’t the first sign of “bolt & run” behaviour from this person.
You might want to relax on the boundary talk with friends, or even a relationship. While they can me helpful, in my opinion if you need to be that concerned with “boundaries” in a friend or love relationship, there is something toxic about it to begin with.
michelle

I have been in that space before and it left me ‘walking on eggshells’ for years. Please remember Erin’s comment.. “..if you need to be that concerned with ‘boundaries’ in a friend or love relationship, there is something toxic about it to begin with.” I just finished reading the Celestine Prophecy and among many life altering things in the book, I read about Control Dramas. There are four described in the book and I get the feeling that you would benefit from reading about them. I really do!
Love,
TDL-fan,
michelle
Elen

I have a different view point from the other four commentors. When you told your friend that you would help him out on the condition that he smile, whether you intended to or not, you were trying to control him. I am not surprised that your friend bolted. Placing conditions on a relationship is not an act of caring. As the saying goes, you can’t change anyone but yourself. It might be helpful if you look inward and figure out why you feel the need to place conditions on this particular friendship. If the answer is, the relationship is toxic, then you need to end the relationship. If the answer is, I don’t feel secure unless I feel I am in control of relationships, then you have some personal work to do. Best of luck to you!
Ecurry1016

My husband does the same to me and I find it irritating. If I’m not smiling it is most likely because something is bothering me and maybe talking about it would be more helpful. I agree that it can be construed as controlling. If I ask my husband to do something for me he also turns it and asks me “What are you going to do for me?”. I find that irritating and controlling as well.
michelle

I think that sharing with each other here with unconditional care is fantastic. It’s really neat to see everybody’s idea of what’s going on. I bet each opinion brings and ‘aha moment’ to someone who needs it.
((!GroupHug!))
michelle .)
Rhonda

Wow! I am so glad to see that I am not the only one that is sometimes left confused by the dynamics within a relationship. This happens to me occaisionally, and what i try to do is examine what my motive truly was. Was I speaking out of true concern for my loved one, or was it a covert attempt at controlling the situataion? I do not feel that you acted inappropriately, at most it might have been taken as annoying. The reaction, however, seems over the top. If you feel that you were wrong, apologize.
Kerrymcd

I learned a painful lesson that the things we say, no matter what the intent, are taken as truth.
Shalom

Best not to ask for anything in return when doing something for someone out of the goodness of one’s heart. Asking for anything sends a dual message – ” I give, but I want as well”.

What you asked for was small and sweet but it struck the wrong s chord with this person. Be respectful of that and apologize; there is however no need to grovel as it was quite a harmless comment.
Dr. P Dizz

It’s clear that your friend overreacted to your remark. Something is obviously going on with him. Perhaps he is suffering from depression or a mood disorder or substance abuse.
Vanna

Actually, the person who was trying to control the situation was your man!! I have lived life long enough to know that when the close people in my life react like your man did, it’s because they are feeling lesser than to begin with and any cheery, upbeat, lighthearted expressions on my part just worsen the situation for them. Subconsciously they know that they are overreacting to their current situation but they are caught up in negative expressions from their past. He undoubtedly felt misunderstood. However, his reaction was not all right. He was being a thug, a bully. I think you should be thankful that he gathered up his things and left. Good riddance!! Anyone who can’t be respectful to you during upsets or conflicts have pretty much let you know who they are. You don’t owe him your dignity. You don’t have to give your dignity up to be loved by anyone. Any one who asks that of you is not in a position to be in a relationship with you or anyone else. We all deserve better.
Dee

This is a small snippet to a relationship. It’s hard to say what went wrong here without knowing more. If you’re looking for support you can have some but if the relationship is not a good one & you’ve tried many times to improve things, then y stick with it? Do some self development work & move on. Therapy is definitely a tool I & many others have used to unravel our problems, find a good therapist with the tools to help you unravel things can really help.
http://www.facebook.com/stracy.mcclellan S’Tracy McClellan

I believe he was deeply involved in what he was working with at his desk and became edgey when suddenly distracted from his focus; however, the foul tongue use was disrespect returned. Each of us prefers being respected when occupied; but many of us unintentionally interrupt, foremost, to just share our sudden granted “uplifting” gift. Both should be considerate of each other’s motive.
Beth

Sounds like he felt you were condescending and whatever his mindset, he couldnt handle that. Acceptance of others means we accept where they are, he just wasnt where you were at the time. Seems like a little thing to me actually.
Jeanne Grivois

Wrong?, Not exactly, however, sometimes we miss read the amount of pain or sadness someone might be in. For whatever reason, sometimes we can not tolerate, what seems to be a “Pollyanna”
joy when we are suffering so. It is so human to have experienced both sides of this interaction.
Hopefully, in time you will both be able explain how this made you feel & have a better understanding of each other & the human condition. There seems to be much more to this outburst & anger than meets the eye. Now you both have an opportunity to explore it. Jeanne
http://aplaceinanaurora.blogspot.com/ Wandering, Western Star

I feel I have been in your situation a few times before. I grasp what you attempted to do and the spirit in which it may have been intended. However, you may still have accidentally and innocently infringed on a boundary of his. They don’t have to be logical boundaries to you, as they are his boundaries to choose, manage, benefit or suffer from. You may feel you know better or what’s needed, but if he doesn’t agree with you what would be the point? You can proclaim your message and offer it constantly with love, hoping it takes. Otherwise, be aware that he may find it condescending – and I know you didn’t mean for it!

Obviously there is a big context as to why this sort of interaction between you two would set off such a resistance in him. I do not feel you deserve it, however, if you have encountered it before, it is something you may have to expect with this friend and change may be in order, in your own situation in being around him.

If this is a friend for whom giving your unconditional love is kind of an exercise in and of itself, while I feel he of course is worthy of unconditional love, you may not be the force he will need to be in touch with to feel that source.

That’s okay, you certainly can always love him. But recognize that he makes the choice of what is good for him right now and in spite of your best intentions and wonderful ways, he may not choose you – certainly not in every moment, anyway.

I wish you both the best and that the light of understanding shines between you both. But I wish also for both of you to safely express your freedom to one another and celebrate in your mutual freedom as individuals!
Viceads18

I agree with everyone. I put myself in the other person’s position, and I’d be annoyed, too. I am unused to feeling accepted for who I 100% am (especially by my family) – so if I was feeling particularly unaccepted and unloved and one of my “friends” said that to me, that would have hit me in that vulnerable spot, and I’d have left as well. I’m not saying that to indicate that he is right in his actions – only that I understand. He’s like a wounded animal, biting at people trying to help him. It’s not about you being who you are, or being who you are in your own home – it’s about the friend’s pain.