First of all-great and inspiring website – thank you!
I never do this kind of thing.. the sharing what I am really going though thing. Maybe because I am ashamed of having these issues…like it makes me a lesser person. My whole life I felt stuck in this floaty place between what I acted like and what I felt like… I was always extremely depressed and anxious and felt overwhelmingly scared and ashamed and had a very profound lack of sense of self. I always tried my best to make sure no one saw me this way. However, despite my best efforts I wasn’t able to be the person I wanted to be in this state.
As I got older I learned how to label these “conditions” which gave me some distance from them but I used to and probably still have the mindset of desperately looking for something to fix me and not knowing what. Anyways, after some time in therapy and being put on medication I got a lot of perspective and kind of “out of the gutter.” After experiencing unpleasant side effects of medication and just a general wanting and motivation to feel better on my own I began to go off them.
I decided to use exercise, eating healthy and spiritual inspiration as a more natural means of healing. I continue to diligently do all of these to the best of my ability however I am starting to feel that without medication I have a toxic mind. Perhaps it is the neural pathways or whatever that are ingrained from the way I grew up but with all my hope and willpower and ideas my mind cant seem to stay in any sort of positive state and the moment I am not using all my focus and do anything really that requires focus outside thinking positive thoughts I am flooded with the instinctive heavy depression/anxiety state that my mind has always been in.
I should also add I guess that I found myself in a nice little debt hole and without a job but with a previously inspired decision to not jump into a job that is limiting after leaving the last one.. so I try to focus on self healing and moving forward and upward yet still have alot of outside stressors and anxiety inducers that are financially related. It’s ending up being like going up a down escalator and ending up in square one … Anyway I hope this makes sense. I dont know that Ive ever really shared this in this kind of way I guess for fear of souding borderline insane or ridiculous…but here it is TDL. I wish I could say something more positive and inspirational.. Hopefully one day soon! Wishing all the best to everyone here and hope this isn’t too much of a downer to read.
A TDL Reader