So I just finished watching the first show of the new season of The Biggest Loser, and I am enraged! Not at the program, but at myself for becoming obese, enraged over the fact that for years, I smack talked to myself all day, every day, treated myself worse than I would any other human being on a daily basis.
And somewhere along the line, that became O-F-K! I know I am not the only one! Look around at family and friends, co-workers and business associates, cashiers and teachers, daycare workers, bus drivers and construction workers. I know the why and how and where I went down the path of substance abuse, first through excessive drinking then gorging on food, but when did it become permissible for me to abuse myself? How did I not know that? I get so angry at abusers and want to stand up for the abused, so why could I not grant myself this same compassion and passion for better self-treatment? Just when did I become a bully to myself? Just when did I start cowering over my own thoughts?
Over time, words and experiences of the past replayed in my head, and the more they played, the more I hated myself. Every hurt, every rejection, every bully, every time I lashed back, every time I let someone down, every negative word spoken to me or by, I believed I was the bad one, and did not deserve happiness, to cherish myself and be cherished, to see that even with flaws, these were far fewer than my goodness and strength and kindness and my ability to love.
I know I was looking for validation from others instead of myself. I refused to consider a God or Higher Power, my pride was way too large to hand myself over. Even though I believed in some spiritual principles, I would not, could not give up control and free fall into an abyss of uncertainty, but wasn’t I, aren’t I already there! For pity sake, what did I have to lose? Oh yes, I had to lose my pride and accept that I can’t do it on my own. Didn’t I have more to gain that just pride? Wouldn’t giving up shitty thoughts and anger be a gain?
This is the legacy we are leaving our children, and we blame them. This is the legacy we inherited, and we blame them. Do we know that we are paying it all this forward? I know I am, as I have not been particularly mindful of my thoughts and words actions, if I did then where would I be? I would be lost, wait I am! Or at least I was.
Oh there it is, I was afraid of being lost and losing my way, for in our world losing is a sign of weakness. Losing sight, losing hope, losing our way, losing the job, losing faith, losing the game, losing the contract, losing the love, losing the spouse, losing the fight, losing the kids, losing the war, losing the house, losing prestige, losing money, losing a sock in the laundry, losing our mind, losing trust, losing our hair, losing our youth, losing our friends, losing our reputation, losing, losing, losing, losing.
No wonder there is an outbreak of uplifting teachers where many are clamoring for nourishment for the body mind and soul!
So what is there to gain in surrendering? Is the loss of our negativity so scary that we are more willing to cling to it, continue to live in it? What would fill those empty spaces and old thoughts, old habits? How could we carve a new life and perspective? Who can I be? Who will come with me? Will I be alone? How long will it take? I am scared!
There is the possibility that we may gain love for ourselves, even though we are not perfect, to allow ourselves to be loved, even though we are still not perfect, and to risk loving, even though they are not perfect. There is the possibility of gaining self-respect and self-trust, new friends and peace and accomplishment, and freedom from our past that are really only stepping stones to discover our own unique greatness, acceptance and paying it forward. It takes courage!
I think it is in this moment of my rant that I have been changed. I have heard that we can change our thoughts and perspective on a dime, and finally it has happened, it took 20 years for that dime to turn, but a new perspective has arrived on the doorstep of my mind and made a new footprint in my heart! At least for today, but I think this time it will last!
A TDL Reader