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Daily Share – What Kind Of Relationship Is This?

Where do I begin? It all started as a very strong physical attraction, for two very wounded people attempting to heal from divorces. We spent a tremendous amount of time together, became each others confident, and soon moved into having a public (previously behind closed doors) relationship. We come from two different worlds, but it seemed to be just the thing we both needed at the time.

Now as time has progressed, the thing matured into a viable relationship, one of us wants to move towards marriage, while the other is having doubts. Is it just the fear of commitment, or is that still small voice saying something else? Was it ever really meant to be permanent? We have discussed the notion that we may have been put into each others lives just to help each other heal, and to teach each other a few things, which we both admit has occurred. Deciding on taking some time to be apart, hurts and saddens us both, but I’m not willing to make another blunder without listening to my own soul….So I pray…..and I listen…..I pray and I listen…….

A TDL Reader

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  • Laura

    Very wise to take the time apart. If it is meant to be the time apart will show it.

  • RMDauben

    This “appears” to be a relationship of two people on the “REBOUND”, and “Physical”, not good! The two of you have served your purpose and from personal experience I would suggest you examine moving on, why? Both of you began from a LOW-POINT, and used one another to lift yourselves up! When you are in a state of wanting to be lifted-up and another person does that for you it is a clear sign that you are not using your own powers to go where you want to go. So, where do you want to go? What do YOU want? My experiences thaught me that when you have to have someone else in your life to FEEL GOOD FEEL WHOLE YOU GOT A PROBLEM! After a Divorce, what are your feeeeelings? Most often they are of a negative nature, and so how do you go to positive? Keep in mind the entire Uni-Verse is POLAR! That is, it’s Positive and Negative! So it is variations of the two polars that you are going through and you must decide what you truly want and move on, for YOU! Then build your world based on solid ground, not sand and mud, think about it! By the way, Thinking Positive is NOT the answer, it is your Attitude, your Optimism that is Profoundly important. Positivity DOES NOT WORK! It’s just attachment to the fact that you are saying you are negative, so the Polars just keep spinning! What works is KNOWING! You must decide what YOU want and WHY!
    Check out Andy Shaw’s web site http://www.abugfreemind.com

    Self-Knowledge is what The Daily Love is all about, find out what’s going on in Your OPERATING SYSTEM (Mind), before you get into some other O/S! SELF LOVE FIRST!!!!!!

    Love,   Rich

  • Anon1

    I am empathize with your situation and am experiencing something similar; albeit, both of us are not coming out of divorces but four and five year relationships. 

    There are so many variables in each relationship that build and make each one unique.  I would love to spend the next hour giving you each detail and theory as to why we are taking a break, but it really serves no purpose.  And, i plan on commenting on your relationship soon, but first, I need to give at least one detail to build some credibility for my argument.  After 3-4 months of sharing, caring, passion, etc, she wanted to slow things down a lot so that she could grow into herself.  She’s 25 and just got out of a 5 year relationship. I’m 31.  There wasn’t any warning really that the break was coming.  I was supposed to meet her parents the next day. 

    Okay, so that’s the jist of it, and I have been flip-flopping on how to deal with this.  On one hand, I want to tell myself it’s over forever, and that it was just a rebound (which it most certainly could be).  I hope that it isn’t though.  On the other hand, I feel that she will come back and that she just got freaked out despite me not pressing her for any type of exclusive relationship.  Here’s what I thought about last night.  Instead of going through the stages of grief and assuming that it’s over, I can continue to care and love her while giving her the space she needs.  The assumption is that after a while she will either realize what she lost or those feelings will fade and she won’t contact me.   Christine Arylo, a contributor to this site said, “People don’t fall out of love – they fall out of respect, trust and intimacy.”  With that said, I could still love her, and I always will, but if she doesn’t contact me and doesn’t want to continue to put effort into this relationship, I need to realize that the relationship isn’t good for me and that there are better fits out there.
    By continuing to love her and by having patience, I nearly take the power out of her decision to take time a part.  The focus is on the relationship now, and whether the time that she needs will exceed the amount of time that I can deal without intimacy and compassion. 

    To comment on your situation, I can empathize on the feelings that you’re experiencing.  I wouldn’t know what to tell you in your situation though.  What I told my partner was that we are to have zero contact until she is ready to pick back up where we left off, in terms of dating.  It wasn’t an ultimatum or that I needed to be in a exclusive, full-on relationship, but that I can’t move backwards in our relationship.  We can either continue it or move forward.  I’m not sure this is the best method, but what the hell would we talk about if we were in contact besides the normal pleasantries? 

    What does your gut tell you to do? Pursue her or give her distance?

    • LL

      Thank you for sharing this. You have described with your experience exactly where i am, and my gut has been telling me to be patient, and give him the distance he needs to sort himself out and it will all come good. I keep questioning myself though, and feel that i deserve to have someone who gives me respect and consideration and that doesn’t fit what my gut is telling me about being patient. It’s a difficult balance, which feels like a lot of inner conflict for me, but your post has really helped me find clarity that, actually, i can do both, can have both, and what i need to do is stay in the moment, love from a distance and be kind to him and myself.

      Thank you thank you.

      LLx

  • Karen

    When you are with the right person – and you will know in your heart the truth of it – the fear of commitment ceases to exist. 
    If you simply fear being hurt, there are no guarantees that it will never happen again.  No person can make that promise to you nor should they. 
    The relationship itself is a vehicle for growth – it can last a short time or a lifetime.   When two people enter a relationship from a place of inner strength, patience and a willingness to give completely, it is the most amazing thing that can ever be experienced and I personally will never settle for anything less now that I have it in my life.
    Choose wisely.

    • Anon1

      I really like your response. Well said.