Daily Share – What Really Happened?

January 2, 2013 by Anonymous TDL Reader 17 Comments

I am here with a broken heart…one that is taking long to heal. I have been single for sometime just paying some quality time to myself until this year. Sometime at the beginning of July this year, I went out with a friend and she introduced me to her male friends. One of them I liked from the moment I laid my eyes on him, and it was like the feelings were mutual. We just clicked well and became very close since that day, and eventually a relationship started and we began spending time together more. This went on for three months, he had even introduced me to his close people, and for once in a long time, I felt I had met my soul mate.

But I guess I was wrong, because just after the three months, all of a sudden he decided to keep a distance, and whenever I try to talk to him he is either busy and says that he’ll call me back–plus requesting that I don’t ask too many questions. With that I came to think that maybe it’s because of the issues of his previous relationship that he had since he told me all about it, and I thought he needed time and suggested that to him. He said it’s okay, he will come talk to me when he feels it’s the right time. So I waited and waited, and finally last week I called him and to my surprise this man is asking me who it was and where I got his number. I am so heart broken, all that I wanted was an answer as to what really happened, what went wrong? He once told me he will come talk to me because there were things he is hearing from people, I don’t know what it was or why he didn’t come straight to me and ask me about that, so here I am hoping and waiting and always checking on my phone hoping to find a message from him.

How sad, but I know this man probably didn’t feel anything for me and all that he wanted was sex but i just happened to fall for him and all that he told me…

Any advice on how to deal with that now and in the future?

A TDL Reader

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Guest

I have had the same experiences. Now that I’m older I know the reason is simply because I gave myself to a man (or men) to easily. I let my self fall when I should have been cautious and protected my feelings, sexuality and emotions. You are precious so protect yourself. Don’t give yourself to a man unless he has truly earned the right to be with you. Just because you have that wonderful feeling and rush of attraction doesn’t mean it’s love. Give it time – enjoy the rush but don’t let it lead to sex until the man has proven to you that you are the only woman in his life.
Meredith Henry

Believe people when they show you who they are. This is a HARD lesson because your emotions and potentially love got tangled into the situation. Remind yourself that you are worth far, far more and worthy of someone who is head over heels with you-just as you are of them. This man is not treating you respectfully. You didn’t go into much detail when you talked about your actual relationship so I bet if you dug hard enough and looked at your relationship with him, there were signs along the way that he wasn’t the right one. Godspeed on your healing to let him go. The uni-verse loves and supports you. : )
Fempress

I’ve been there myself and all I can say is that there were signs that I ignored – we didn’t have much in common / I wasn’t getting what I wanted and also that I kept trying to get what I wanted from this relationship that clearly in hindsight was not going to happen. I learnt something valuable regarding ‘trust’. My advice for you would be to understand this can be a lesson that will improve your relationship/s in the present. Know that anyone you choose to bring into your life from this day on needs to be worthy of you. It’s about trusting yourself completely and seeing others as they are. This trusting of self lets you say no to people that aren’t worthy of your time because you trust that you are worth more and eventually will have what is best for you. It is a horrible way to learn…I was depressed for about a few months….but I’ve deft grown. I know now that he only showed me what I needed to learn. It had nothing to do with him but me not trusting myself. I wish you all the best.
- http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/ Sarah Noel
  
  Fempress,
  Very well said! Your comments actually helped me too. Thanks!
  
  Sarah
Mardrey

I think we’ve all dealt with heartbreak and rejection at some point in our lives, and it just plain hurts. Something that has helped me out was reading Marianne Williamson’s book ‘A Return to Love.’ I gained some valuable insight when it comes to relationships and why things happen the way they do, and now view past relationships in a whole new light. Trust that there is a reason this relationship didn’t work out. I wish you the best..
http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/ Sarah Noel

I’ve been right where you are and you will be fine! My advice is to LET GO of this guy! I know you’re still hurting. It sucks what he did. He was a coward for not talking to you about it and just up and leaving you high and dry. But that’s HIS issue. Let it be. The important thing now is you. Even though you FELT a connection with this guy, it wasn’t meant to be. Accept that. Perhaps he was there for the short time to teach you a lesson. Look at the situation with new eyes… what can you learn from it? How can you use it to your benefit and grow? If you absolutely can’t find anything positive to get out of the situation, then at least get this: You are better off without him! He left your life at the perfect time. Now you an focus on you again and meet more people who are better for you than he would ever be. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy. He was just living HIS path. Your two paths crossed for a time, but now they’re diverting again. Continue on down your own path and let him go down his.

I actually wrote a blog post about this myself recently. Check it out here if you’re interested:
http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/2012/12/youve-been-spared.html
I’d love to know what you think!

Best of luck! You WILL get over this and be better off in the long run!

Sarah
LoveU4U

I truly hope that you can heal your broken heart soon. We all have to let go of what we can not control. Many times, when others hurt us or we hurt others…we are hardly ever thinking of the person being hurt. We are all or we all SHOULD be selfish in some ways. He may have not been over his past relationship and decided to give it a last shot. Your phone call may have stirred something up, something he hadn’t told his previous partner. From reading that he gave you the run around, he may have an issue with honesty or communicating.

Try not to judge, try to see it the other way around. Say you move on, find another man…then this one comes back and you second guess the man you moved on to. I know it’s hard to see it now, but I truly don’t believe he meant to hurt you. The best part of life is having something without owning it and we all deserve to be free to love.

You’re just reacting normally to an abnormal situation, don’t be so hard on yourself. In the meantime, feel your sad feelings but be strong and overcome them. This too shall pass. Love yourself first.
Nikki

You can spend hours apon hours disecting him but it will all be in vain…and it truly doesn’t matter. Focus on yourself…you are all that matters!!! Review your time with him and ask yourself, “What can I learn from this?” and “How did I contribe to where I am now?” A huge point though is these questions are to be helpful only! No blaming, no beating yourself up, no guilt.

An example (from a hypothetical relationship) I didn’t maintain the boundaries I had set for myself because…I didn’t trust myself, I was afraid he might not like me… (Like, I won’t sleep with a guy til the 5th date but you did after the 3rd because you had a nice date, and he kept smiling at you and he said he really could fall for you…)

Now you have quality material to study! Trust yourself, your abilitly to make decisions and then stick to them with calm assertiveness. The guy worth dating will respect your worth…and if he doesn’t, he’s not worth your time. Better to know early on.

Another thing that helped me through ALL my break-ups that my mother told me once…You really liked this guy, thought he just might be “the one” and he wasn’t. NOW, imagine how great you’ll feel, how much you will love the guy that really IS “the one” !!! (This helped me put it in perspective) He’s out there, looking for you, but you both have lessons to learn before the time is right

Hope this is helpful! You can do it, you can handle this…I have confidence in you!
Happinessisinthejourney

Read 10 stupid things women do to mess yup their lives by dr. Laura
Remsy

Hello,

I am sorry you are dealing with this. I know how hard it is because I have fallen too quickly too and been surprised by the lack of consideration in another for feelings I thought were true. I was seeing a man for 2 months who mainly saw me during the week and then to my surprise did not want to go out New Years Eve. I was so hurt and spent it alone. He has since contacted me saying he misses me and all sorts of things but I am NOT going to see him again. We need to encourage each other to maintain our dignity and not accept less than we deserve. I honestly hope you can give yourself space to allow the disappointment of your relationship ending to heal. It was very helpful for me to hear Mastin advice for women to really wait to have sex. I always give in too fast to a man’s sexual timing and not listening to my own and it NEVER works out. I always end up feeling hurt that I betrayed my own needs and my body when the right man doesn’t encourage choices that don’t feel right for you because he wants you to feel good. You sound like a kind compassionate person who just simply loved someone who is not able to receive your gifts. Don’t wait by the phone or check emails. Don’t chase men. One thing I have learned is that when a man really likes you, he finds a way! Have a ritual on your own to end this connection with your ex so you can be open to someone new. A man who makes you feel safe and secure and that if he “heard things about you from other people” he would honor you and your character over gossip. You deserve a man who protects you from that sort of negativity, not one that makes you a rival. Consider yourself very lucky. The universe stepped in and took you away from someone who doesn’t respect you and opened the door for you to examine the signs you probably saw all along but ignored, for re-igniting your innate intuition, to allow you a chance to show self respect by not contacting him anymore, and to see yourself as worthy. Learning self respect is hard I know. I have said NO to many things I wanted that were not good for me: sex too soon, wanting to be taken on a date and then paying for it, waiting to be contacted, taking care of his needs over mine, not admitting to the love I really want and settling for less because I convinced myself I want “too much”. I know this is not easy but the universe stepped in to help you break free!!! How cool is that?! You can do it!
- skingoddess
  
  Thank you for those words, its as though you were speaking directly to me!!!!
  I was in a relationship for 9 months, lots of signs that i ignored, not a bad person but definitely had issues….Im a fixer, a nurturer and that always seems to be my pattern. We broke up, got back and broke up again. I was in peace and meditated everyday, found a whole new opening and healing. Obviously, i need to work on self love, because in Oct, we got back together it was sheer bliss he said he also did his work – i thought it was divine intervention, and then giving of myself fully
  I helped him move into his new home, I put myself last – because that is the love i have in my heart to love completely. I can only say that all our holidays plans didn’t happen, i spent new years eve alone, and he didn’t call me for 4 days. He confused????? He said it didn’t even cross his mind to contact me for new year even after we had a plan. He is taking care of his 86 year old father so I tried to be patient. All my meditation work is keeping me calm – I love him – but I guess my message and lesson is to take care of myself, love thyself, isn’t selfish – its the universe stepped in to help me break free!!!!!!! Thank you for those words!!! I went to my bikram yoga class for the first time last night haven’t done that since I met him almost two years ago………………. ps he told me that with all his new stuff he’s not happy!!!! Tried to help told him to watch the shift, with dr. dyer – not my journey to fix him – time to work on me……………………….
http://aplaceinanaurora.blogspot.com/ Wandering, Western Star

This is truly a challenging situation, as it touches both the ego and the soul, making it hard to distinguish the real experience from the perceived one, and immediately putting you and he into “positions” at odds with each others. I would so encourage you to reflect in this way: He definitely cannot give you what you seek, so you must see that fact and no longer want him. Not reject, not harm or wish for hurt, but to change your mind about him as you would change your mind about craving a certain type of cuisine and opting for something else instead. I know it seems trivializing but we actually should feel empowered to approach big decisions no differently than the many choices we make constantly, so that they do not belittle us, rather the decisions we make should feel little and manageable.

Please, do not entertain this to be you not having what he wants or being what he wants. That actually is far from true, if you offered him yourself and he consumed what you had to give, then you are the one full of things to offer that people need, and he is the one who is starving.

I do not mean to point that out in order to console you that there is something wrong with him, I mean that the awareness that things have not proceeded sensibly nor in your favor should alert you to change your heart about how it is processing these perceived slights.

If you can, forgive him as an act of letting go, and meditate on him with compassion and yourself with even more compassion. Look at all the resources and tools you have, even seeking The Daily Love as a place to find a chance to heal and grow, and look at your ability to articulate yourself – which he either has a hard time doing with you or simply refuses to do. You are the one who turns out to be abundant. Please, believe that by emanating this generosity you will experience miracles and contentment!
- Viceads18
  
  That was perfectly said, too!
  - http://aplaceinanaurora.blogspot.com/ Wandering, Western Star
    
    Thank you, I just felt I might be helpful for this one. It is certainly a valid situation to feel pain in, but it can also be freeing if the lesson of love (especially of self) resonates more than the details of the experience!
Mo

Sweetie, this man doesn’t have the courage to be a soulmate. Nothing happened. He got scared and he’s trying to deflect his fear by blaming you. That behavior makes a really bad partner.

But people really do come into our lives for a reason, if not a season or lifetime. It’s good to look at what came up for you in this experience. I know it’s hard, but it’s important for your next relationship. And, yes, there will be a next one. Do you have a history of abandonment, unaccountability, alcoholism in the family?

And so you had sex with him. Sex is fun and important. It doesn’t mean that he used you. It means that you wanted a relationship with your sex and you are willing to communicate and grow with someone. He doesn’t seem capable or willing to do that right now. It’s ok. Wish him well and get closer to yourself. We are here to support you. The next guy will be capable and willing. Just hold on to the hope and continue to do your work.

I’m wishing you the best. I have been there! Sending you light and love.
- Viceads18
  
  PERFECTLY said.
Been there…

All great advice from the other comments – thanks.

I’ve been in a similar situation, everything clicked. The person was my soul mate and I invested my heart in us and having an amazing future (we even mutually discussed and agreed on future plans). After a surprising and very dishonouring breakup that dragged on leaving me feeling heart broken I got very stuck in a rut and learned a few things:

- Don’t constantly perform autopsies of the dead relationship. This can be come a strong habit that will repeat, drive you crazy and keep you from moving on. Know that you did nothing wrong, everything you did was right at the time.

- Despite how painful it feels, understand that the person spared you.
This can be difficult when you are madly in love with the other and had
created plans. Our time here is finite so the sooner they show
themselves as not deserving of your amazing love the better it is for
you. Take them off the pedestal before the concrete sets.

- Know that they didn’t take your relationship or your happiness or your love. All they removed from your life was their problems. The space that they leave is actually an opportunity. You can fill the space with something better anything you want. Now that is actually exciting!

- Focus on and build your self. Use the experience as impetus to introduce new experiences into your life. Have good experiences. You can be sure the other person isn’t thinking about you, so free your energy from thinking about them, focus on making you happy. Redirect the love you had for them and turn it back toward you, spoil your.

- Let the person go, don’t pursue or check-in to see where the other person is at, mentally or physically. It’s unhealthy, and can keep you looping back into the feeling you had when they first left. Actively create distance in your mind, if you get an image of them, simply move it away in your mind until it disappears.

- Create a ‘go to’ thought pattern. Perhaps one of the affor mentioned new happy experiences in your life. Whenever your mind wanders to the other person, see how quickly you can make it fade and switch your focus to the new happy ‘go to’ thought. Make the ‘go to’ thought intense and very involved, focus into the details of the happy thought.

In summary my advice is to avoid letting your feelings of loss, hurt, betrayal, etc become a habit. Sure, go through the stages of grief and feel into them, but don’t dwell. Turn your strong feelings of love back toward your self.

(… and delete the person’s number from your phone!)

Namaste.