Daily Share – When Do I Leave A Dysfunctional Group Or Stay The Course?

February 26, 2013 by Anonymous TDL Reader 17 Comments

Lately I find myself frequently annoyed when others don’t meet my expectations or follow through on commitments. I have even been getting sort of depressed by people failing when I have counted on them. Not sure how to move past this. I am feeling the need to shake up everything in my life; just change it all up. But I realize that is likely not the best option. I have ended up in some organizations in my community that have become super dysfunctional and I end up waffling between walking away from what these groups do (which is really important to me) and sticking it out to keep the dysfunctional individuals from ruining the organization and its work. How do we respond when something that was precious to us is sucked into a black hole of pettiness and rancor by the craziness of an individual or group of individuals? How do we know when to cut and run and when to stay the course?

A TDL Reader

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Carol Anne

One of the many and most important things I’ve learned on my spiritual journey is not to place my happiness on anything external. By doing so, I give my power away and at some point I am sure to also be disappointed, angered or saddened by what they do as well. The definition of Peace to me is not having a peaceful environment, but being able to remain peaceful within regardless of what’s going on in your environment. It’s as Byron Katie calls it, “Loving what is, ” and I highly recommend all of her books! It’s unfair of us to place expectations on other people or life. People are the way they are, each on his or her own journey, and life is the way it is. I’m not being flip, I’m simply saying you can either upset yourself over things you can’t control, or you can love life exactly as it is. As for when to stay or go? Listen to your heart and trust your feelings in any situation, you’ll never be disappointed. If it’s for the greater good and the organization comes from a place of integrity, you’ll “feel” it and you’ll just know. If not, walk away and send them love. You’ll find the perfect place to fit in.

Love to you
- http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/ Sarah Noel
  
  Carol Anne (that’s my aunt’s name, by the way, so that’s kinda cool),
  
  Anyway, your comment really resonated with me.
  “The definition of Peace to me is not having a peaceful environment, but being able to remain peaceful within regardless of what’s going on in your environment. ”
  Love that! I completely agree. It’s something I’ve been working on the past 2 years in the relationship with my boyfriend. I’ve been in some stressful situations with other people (won’t go into detail here, it would get too long) and I also struggled with whether to go or stay. I stayed, b/c I didn’t want to show that that other person got to me. I wanted to show that I was “the bigger person.” Honestly, now, looking back, I think I should have gone. My intuition was screaming at me to walk away. Yet I pushed it down and stayed, causing so much stress for myself.
  
  Thankfully, I’m out of that experience now. I believe I learned from it, and learned to be true to myself and what I needed. That’s mostly what led to my boyfriend and I breaking up. I feel more at peace now and a whole lot less stressed!
  
  Sarah
  - Better3flyfree
    
    This is my first time writing. I just signed up to receive The Daily Love emails last week. I have been going through a difficult time. I left a relationship in Novenber but made the mistake of still talking to this person, found out alot of lies in the process and due to the disrespect and betrayal, I have been sick. Physically ill… I know better and I am trying everything I know, that is healthy, to go through the process and heal. I do not know why I love someone like him when I love and value myself. I just realized, on a conscious level, last night that when I thought of never speaking to him again… overwhelming fear came over me. I don’t know why. I am listening to my intuition, meditating, going for walks and reading Marianne Williamson’s, A Return To Love. I saw my spiritual advisor and told her I hadn’t stopped crying since Sunday before last and she said” GOOD”! I understand all the pain is represented in my tears but for goodness sakes, I am going to float away in my own little ocean if I cry anymore… I am not just crying about my ex. My dad, if you wanna call him that, I no longer choose to, told me I am dead to him, dead to God and I don’t have a good heart. I am aware that you do not know me but I am a good person who has lived a good respectable life. I have had trouble in relationships with men due to this man. I am fully aware that all this is coming up for healing. I just do not know how I am going to completely disconnect from my ex without getting really sick emotionally. It is so hard to get up and come to work. It is hard to breathe… I am fighting for myself and know in the end I am better off. I keep telling myself all these things and so do my poor friends that are so lovely to help me during this time, but when does feeling better take place? What I have read on this site this morning has been very helpful and you all sound lovely. I agree that we attract people to learn from or to teach. I know why I attracted this man and now it is time to let go. I wish you all the best on your journey. I thank you for your time and consideration.
    - http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/ Sarah Noel
      
      Hey! I can empathize with you. I have issues trusting that people will stick around for me (due to events when I was very little wtih both my parents).
      I think it’s good that you seem to know WHY you were with the boyfriend you were with. People come into our lives, as different individuals, but ultimately the same type of person. You still had (have?) issues to work through that started with your father. It sounds like since you’re still so scared to let go of your boyfriend (ex), so there’s still an underlying issue (fear) there. I believe (and I’m no therapist) it’s best to just LET GO. It’s tough. But it’s like ripping off a band-aid. It needs to be done sooner or later. You can either prolong your suffering, or do it quick and get on with healing.
      
      As for WHEN the feeling better will take place, it depends on you and how long you were with your boyfriend, and how close you were with him. Different relationships are different. I held on to my first serious boyfriend for a while. Even after we broke up, and I dated other people, I’d inevitably go back to him after that other relationship ended. This cycle went on for…. 3 years or more… I’m not exactly sure. It was b/c of how close I was with that first boyfriend, which made it harder for me to let go of him. With the subsequent boyfriends I’ve had over the past 12 years or so, it’s gotten easier, little by little.
      
      My most recent boyfriend, who I’ve been writing about a lot lately on here, we were together (and lived together) for 2 years. It was the longest and most serious relationship I’ve had so far in my life. I broke up with him, so I think that makes it easier to move on than if you’re broken up WITH and didn’t see it coming or agree with the break-up. But anyway, I cried for a solid day, most of the day. After that I felt down off and on, but mostly felt pretty good. That probably sounds bad. But I think the more you have faith in the decisions you make, and the more you trust yourself to not only make the right decisions for you, but that you’ll be fine no matter what happens, it gets easier to let go and move on. You know everything will turn out just fine and for your greatest good.
      
      I wish you the best! You did the right thing by moving on and it WILL get easier. Just follow your heart. Meditation is great, I’m glad you’re doing that. Journaling also works wonders for me.
      
      Sarah
      http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/2013/02/this-is-your-life.html
    - Karen
      
      If you can get through the pain day by day, I promise you…it WILL begin to ease and get better – time really does heal all. One night, you will go to bed realizing that he has not crossed your mind once that day and at that point, you will be past it for good.
      This path to healing will be one of the most challenging you will face and yet it will strengthen you in ways you can’t imagine.
      Emotion of the heart is so powerful, both when it is positive and when it is ‘negative’.
      Breathe. Repeat to yourself, “I am love. I deserve to be loved, appreciated, showered with affection. I deserve a positive, happy life.”
      *hugs*
- sk
  
  Carol Anne – it’s like some higher power pushed me to read this today and read on to the comments, because your words are truly resonating with me and a bit of anxiety I’m feeling this morning. Thank you.
- Sherri
  
  Thank you! Yes, what you shared resonated with me. I also will apply what I learned from Christine’s blog…recognize the lesson and heal me. Taking this step will push me out of my comfort zone and that’s fabulous! I am in the unknown as well but I will embrace it and stay in moment. Hmmm…what will come about? I shall see… Exciting! Blessings!
Meredith Henry

There are lessons and wisdom to be gained in situations where we feel others are the reason why things are going south. I have found that any relationship that you are in, are meant to teach you something about yourself. You haven’t really explained what the individuals are doing to ruin the group. Is there any way this group could do team building exercises in order to break down some obvious walls that have been built up within the organization? Is gossip a prevalent theme within smaller groups of the organization? What can you learn PERSONALLY about how you deal with relationships from this situation?

It’s very easy to lay blame on others when relationships aren’t working. True, in some situations you do have to break ties with people because it is legitimately their issue. However, I am from the philosophy that if I am brought to a situation it is 1) because I attracted it to myself somehow and 2) because there is something to learn from it. The problem will keep persisting until it is dealt with and healed.

Externally this group may manifest as a ball of dysfunction with many people within the group who are trouble makers. Internally you have something to learn from this mess. Pray for the people to change their behavior, or for YOUR view on the situation to change.

Wishing you wisdom on your journey.
Meredith
http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/ Sarah Noel

This is a really tough situation. It’s one I’ve also struggled with over and over in my life — in work settings and in relationships.

I think ultimately you’ll know what to do. The key is getting quiet enough to hear the answer your Spirit is giving you. And respecting that voice enough to listen to it and do what it says!

That’s where I’ve tripped up in the past. Mostly for me it’s been with relationships. I was so hell-bent on “putting on a good face” and not showing that a certain person (my boyfriend’s ex-wife) got to me,that I ignored my own feelings to just walk away from her, from that whole situation, and be true to ME… to hell what anyone would think about me for doing that. Instead, I allowed myself to be in uncomfortable, stressful situations, for the sake of everyone else (namely my boyfriend). No more!

Your situation is a little different though, that it’s with a group whose cause you feel passionate about. Could you possibly still do something for the cause and NOT be with the group? If they’re so dysfunctional and there’s too many strong personalities running the show, it may be best to walk away and let them have their dysfunction and drama. All you can control is YOU. What can YOU do? If this group is causing you more stress and anxiety than you feel good is coming from the group, then I think you need to get out. It’s a scale. Which is more… the stress and anxiety coming from the group…. or the good that the group does?

You don’t HAVE to be in this group to do something for this cause.. do you?
If it were me, I’d probably branch out and do my own thing. Maybe others will follow you and you can start a positive group. The key is to MAINTAIN the positivity, whatever you do. Whether you stay with the organization or go out on your own. Do what YOU feel good about doing. Do what you feel your heart is calling you to do.

Best to you!!
Sarah
http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/2013/02/this-is-your-life.html
deb

WHAT DOES YOUR HEART TELL YOU?
Paul Morales

How important are the groups to you? Does their toxic behavior affect your ability to learn and grow? Sometimes good organizations that work with a culture of excellence will weed out the toxicity, in time, as long as they have participants that remain true to the mission. When things keep going well, toxic people do not seem to fit into the picture anymore and leave on their own because they do not get that attention they crave. If the course is important enough for you, you will have patience to see if this happens. The main thing to remember is that it is all a choice. If you choose to stay, you have to choose how to deal with the dysfunctional people in the group with healthy boundaries, with them and yourself.
- leonard
  
  IF I am not for me who will be for me, if I am only for me who am I
tedge

Why is this so important to you?? This question will help you grow.. Go inside and find the answer
- Better3flyfree
  
  Why is what so important to me? If you are replying to me that is… I would love to ask myself and grow… Thank you for responding whether you are talking to me or not.
Carole

Welcome to the “Earth Show”—and all the characters from “Central Casting” that don’t meet our expectations, piss us off, don’t keep their commitments, etc. I understand your frustration–but I’m 62, have had similar issues with numerous organizations (and individuals} throughout my life. Whenever you get a group of people together, you’re also dealing with the multiple issues of each individual— as well as your own. It took me years to finally develop the wisdom to know and accept that THIS IS LIFE–YOU CAN’T ESCAPE IT. Before you make any decisions about walking away from something that clearly means a lot to you, ask yourself “What are my issues”–why do I get angry and depressed because I can’t always count on others to behave the way I expect them to? How can I be more effective in this situation? What are the lessons here for me to learn about myself and life? Most of all, remember that you always take yourself with you wherever you go. I love the Serenity Prayer: God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the diference…. Step into your authentic power by ‘stepping up’ (instead of running away) and then you’ll feel more clarity about making the healthiest decisions for yourself …
Guest

Ask yourself a simple question. Does belonging to this group(s) bring me joy? Focus on the answer to that question, regardless of the good work the organization may be doing.
tc

I just read this now….you sound exactly how I used to be. Fed up with my reality, wanting to change things but not knowing how. What advice can I give to someone who really is tired of feeling like crap? This is going to sound like a sales job, but I have been reading Gabrielle Bernsteins book. Change happens slowly, and it requires us to do some work. Small shifts in perception make for HUGE life changes…I haven’t finished it yet, but I’m already sensing change and no longer feel blow ups. I can meditate without having to listen to a CD yet. May Cause Miracles is the real deal. But you have to be ready, you have to be willing, and you have to do the exercises, not just skim over them. Its the subtle shifts in our lives that are going to make the biggest changes. I got sick of complaining about my life, I thought I’d tried everything, I also felt ripped off by some of the ppl I turned to for help. It’s all a journey, this book cost me $13 on Amazon, plus a journal and pen for the exercises. You have the power to change your life, but we need help from those of us who have been before us and are now in a space where we can be too.