I have been reading TDL for less than a year and the messages have been resonating in my soul like old teachings that I have forgot. I know that everything happens for a reason, and even when we want it to know those reasons, sometimes is not that easy to understand, not because they are complicated, but because we weren’t ready to assimilate them.
I always wonder why I was alone, why I keep distance from having a relationship and what was the reason behind this ugly foreboding? The reason was that I had hidden memories that I have been avoiding because their repercussion in my personal life. I was rape when I was 5 years old and I didn´t remember it because I lock those feelings in order to “Go on” but the truth is that avoiding something doesn’t change the fact that it actually happened.
As I can’t change the fact that it happens again and that I have been keeping it in secret because I don’t want to be seeing as a victim. Is so hard to carry with this awkward feeling that I’m not ready to tell my family, so instead, I have route myself into this journey of self-acceptance. Or at least that was my goal, until I meet this guy. We had worked in the seam company so one day we agreed in seeing for a coffee, that turn out to be the first time that I had acceded in having sex. I’m not gonna lie, at the beginning was fine, but it wasn’t a real relationship, because we were only Bed-Friends and he made it so clear that I couldn’t tell him that I actually was in love. I haven’t see him for a while but every time that I see him online, he keep asking when we’re gonna see again and I don’t know what to say, I know that I don’t want to continue with this pattern, because I know that I worth much more, but I keep asking what if this is all what I’m gonna get? What if this is the way things are supposed to be?
I know that I’m more than a booty call but I don’t know if someone will ever accept my past. Even if I have embraced it and forgotten those that hurt me, there is always the question, Is the person that I have waited for, gonna ever show up? I wanted Love so desperately that I ended in this messy friendship and now I realize that I have to let him go because what we have is only an illusion and what I truly want is REAL Love.
But from this broken dreams and this gloomy reality, everything looks so dark and it seems that I can’t reach the light. I keep running, keep trying, but nothing really happens. I know Love is inside me and I deeply love myself but I would like for once feel loved and hugged.
A TDL Reader!
PD. English is not my mother language so I should apologize for the grammar mistakes.
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