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Daily Share – Where Is LOVE?

Feeling loved is one of the things I have craved for… From an early forced awake to sexuality to the dreams that never were.

I have been reading TDL for less than a year and the messages have been resonating in my soul like old teachings that I have forgot. I know that everything happens for a reason, and even when we want it to know those reasons, sometimes is not that easy to understand, not because they are complicated, but because we weren’t ready to assimilate them.

I always wonder why I was alone, why I keep distance from having a relationship and what was the reason behind this ugly foreboding? The reason was that I had hidden memories that I have been avoiding because their repercussion in my personal life. I was rape when I was 5 years old and I didn´t remember it because I lock those feelings in order to “Go on” but the truth is that avoiding something doesn’t change the fact that it actually happened.

As I can’t change the fact that it happens again and that I have been keeping it in secret because I don’t want to be seeing as a victim. Is so hard to carry with this awkward feeling that I’m not ready to tell my family, so instead, I have route myself into this journey of self-acceptance. Or at least that was my goal, until I meet this guy. We had worked in the seam company so one day we agreed in seeing for a coffee, that turn out to be the first time that I had acceded in having sex. I’m not gonna lie, at the beginning was fine, but it wasn’t a real relationship, because we were only Bed-Friends and he made it so clear that I couldn’t tell him that I actually was in love. I haven’t see him for a while but every time that I see him online, he keep asking when we’re gonna see again and I don’t know what to say, I know that I don’t want to continue with this pattern, because I know that I worth much more, but I keep asking what if this is all what I’m gonna get? What if this is the way things are supposed to be?

I know that I’m more than a booty call but I don’t know if someone will ever accept my past. Even if I have embraced it and forgotten those that hurt me, there is always the question, Is the person that I have waited for, gonna ever show up? I wanted Love so desperately that I ended in this messy friendship and now I realize that I have to let him go because what we have is only an illusion and what I truly want is REAL Love.

But from this broken dreams and this gloomy reality, everything looks so dark and it seems that I can’t reach the light. I keep running, keep trying, but nothing really happens. I know Love is inside me and I deeply love myself but I would like for once feel loved and hugged.

A TDL Reader!

PD. English is not my mother language so I should apologize for the grammar mistakes.

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  • Oda

    The story you are telling resonates a lot with what I have experienced in my life. For many years I did not find the loving relationship I yearned for. On this long path I have learned to truly say from my inner heart that I love myself and will be happy even if I do not have a loving partner. And now I feel and experience the world from another more joyful perspective each day. However change did not occur within one day but over many years but it has been most important to walk on and realize the small changes.

    You have done great by starting to experience connection first on a sexual level and you will move on from there. You have opened up to another human being and this has already been a big step considering your childhood story. Keep on being  brave and loving and appreciate the small changes and your courage!

  • http://everlastingmatrimony.com/ Sheryl

    So true.  And I suggest adding a phrase and a fill-in-the-blank to your awesome sentence: “Even though I ______, I completely and totally LOVE myself BECAUSE I AM _____________________.”  I find that when I get on that ugly downward spiral, if I actually write down the POSITIVES, they far exceed the negative. Seeing it visually helps pull me out of the doldrums. Maybe this will be useful to others, too.

  • http://www.twitter.com/emabaksa Ema

    Firstly, I am sending much love, clarity and blessings your way. 

    I think that you should tell your loved ones what happened when you were five. I can’t even imagine how hard that is for you, but I think and hope that you will feel better after you do so.
    Your soul mate will show up in your life and you are so worth that amazing person that will make you feel like the most special person in the world which you already are.
    You always have your TDL family to be here, to love you and support you.

  • tc

    I feel sad for u that you feel this way about yourself. There is no judgement and what happened to you does not mean there is anything wrong with you. We, as human beings have ALL been through something and those that tell u otherwise are lying. One day u will look back at this and you will see that you are beautiful and deserving and worthy of great love and this is just a learning experience. If something does not make u happy afterwards, ask yourself ‘is this right for me?’ and if it hurts you, chin up and walk away. Things will get better oxoxoxo

  • Sandra

    Thank you for you very honest post.  You are not only very honest to us but also to yourself.  You know that you want and deserve more than just a physical relationship.  Saying (writing) this out loud is the first step into the right direction.  We are all precious human beings and do not need to settle for a life that is below our standards and makes us unhappy.  I am praying for you that you will find the strength in drawing a clear line in the sand for the man that you were involved with.  Believe me, if you do that, you will experience a great sense of empowerment and accelerate the healing process which you are on.  By the way, you are very eloquent, even though English is not your mother tongue.  I am also not a native speaker.  But that is ok.  :-) 

  • Guest

     I’m so  happy that you know how worthy you are! I’m sure it must be hard to let go of someone you love. But I think it’s great that you know your value, you are aware that you want to let things go with him, and you are aware of what you want (LOVE) and what you don’t want (Bed-buddies). You have to try to remember that we are not going to be able to get it all together in one day. Healing and change takes time; its a process. You are a strong person from what I read in your blog. Continue to believe in yourself…and I know support is so important. Maybe you can seek advice from a counselor or anyone that you trust on how to go about telling your family. Their support will help a lot…even if they do not support you I hope you realize that telling your STORY is a step in the right direction…take it one day at a time. 

  • Claire

    It seems like you already know this but I just want to reiterate that what happened to you is NOT your fault. At all. :)

  • NG

    Thank you for sharing. It takes a lot of courage. I was molested at the age of 3. I sought counseling and helped to heal it and release the grief and shame. If you take the time and find someone to help you, it won’t have such a strong hold. I have been able to share my past with friends, family, and even a few boyfriends. I have learned in my soul that my past does not define me. I am loved beyond anything I could imagine by the universe. Sending you much love on your journey!