Daily Share – Where Is The Benevolence Of The Uni-verse In My Shattered Relationship?

February 6, 2013 by Anonymous TDL Reader 21 Comments

Yesterday I saw Mastin on an Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday episode and heard about this site. I am desperate for anything to help my soul heal and feel like I’m grasping at straws, but I also believe Source guides us both in joy and in despair to what we most need.

I have been with the love of my life for twenty years, through thick and thin. I love her more than words can express and I have believed in her since the day we met 21 years ago. I went away for the month of November to visit with our son and his family out of state, leaving my partner with our horses and dogs and cats. We talked almost every day while I was gone and though she sounded tired, since ours is a household that really does require two people to manage, I never expected that I would come home to a completely different and destroyed life. Three days after I returned, at the start of Dec. my partner announced that we were no longer together, that she is no longer in love with me, is now single and that there is no reconciliation on the table….

I find I am stalled at this point in my narration. I have no words to express the cavern of anguish where my heart should be. Almost two months have passed and it feels like a hundred years of heart break, disbelief, confusion… I can’t think or breathe. In the interim have passed the holidays and my 56th birthday. Our mutual friends are as shocked…truly disbelieving, as I. There has so far been very little explanation and of that there has been nothing very illuminating. Only that she is unhappy and wants to pursue more.

I love her and am trying so hard to let go of our life together for both of our sakes, to support her in a decision she clearly feels she had to make, to not rail against the Uni-verse, to not hate myself for not being more or better or kinder or more sensitive…whatever it was that changed her heart. I feel disposed of, old, insufficient.

I despair of ever trusting anything again. The day I left to visit the kids, she loved me…somewhere over that month she stopped. I know it must be more complex than that but this is the whole of the experience. I cannot reconcile this distant person with my beloved partner who has always been the definition of compassion and kindness… Trusty, Loyal, Faithful and True, as we have always called her.

I don’t know how to endure this loss and pain. How do I wrap my head around something that no one in our families’ total or entire circle of friends can fathom?

20 years… no understanding. I truly don’t know how I can endure. I want to believe in the benevolence of the Uni-verse but I can’t see through this overwhelming sorrow.

A TDL Reader

Pin It

Tarah

Dear Sir,

I am in your exact situation……..only 16 months further in the journey. My husband of 16 years just announced one day that he was very sorry, but he was leaving me and our sons for what he believed was his real future. There were days that just to breathe or move was beyond the strength I had. I wanted someone, something, to show me it would be alright, but couldn’t find that assurance.

My advice to you is this……….you MUST not look at the entire future as one big, huge, crushing obstacle, you must focus on ONE day. Each day is a step to your new life, and right now you are walking into the future blind, and that’s OK. You are not supposed to see the whole picture right now. Just take one step…..just get through today. Tomorrow, just take one more step. I know at day 60 this is really really hard, but just step. It’s like going up a flight of stairs in the dark, just step, don’t try to skip any or run too fast, as that makes the pain worse. Also, don’t be angry with yourself for being sad, ignoring pain doesn’t make it go away faster. Just keep stepping……I send you my light and love, understanding how you feel, I promise, I promise……it gets better…….today take one step…….
Amy

Boy do I know and feel your pain. After 10yrs of what I thought was the best marriage in the world, my wife left me and for my friend. I lost my house, my dog, my wife and my 2 best friends. no discussion, no therapy, no trial separation. It was just over. It took a huge toll on my physical and mental health and on my finacial state. All I can tell you is what my friends have told me. 1. It will get better. 2. you are clearly not alone. 3 It is not you, it is your partner. Anyone who walks away from a long term commitment without talking it over or trying to save it, has their own issues. I know this does not stop the heartbreak feelings and the anger and disbelief. This is where you hang on to faith like you have never hung on before. God speed.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000104003555 Rebecca Kirsch

Sending lots of love to you and praying you find peace. I love Tarah’s advice. I’ve never been in your exact situation but have had some pretty devastating circumstances. Taking one step at a time and remembering to breathe deeply helps a lot. Please be kind to yourself and keep faith and hope. Things will get better.
Tina Bowman

This is so exactly the same situation I am going through except he told me last January he did not love me anymore. Divorced in June. He is now living with another woman. I am devastated. Even though it’s been a year I still feel all the same things of hurt, loneliness, and self worth. My ONLY salvation has been my family and my Lord Jesus Christ.
http://twitter.com/ChicMotivator Sirita Wright

I say you’ve “endured” long enough. Congratulate yourself on enduring – holidays, your birthday, and now over 2 months have past. Yes you still have questions, along with mutual friends and loved ones. But no one is getting an answer, so now what? Because you have endured, perhaps you try a new thing. Reassess the experience and live again. 20 years of mainly blissful times with you partner have sadly come to an end. Start your next chapter. Were there things you and your partner discussed trying or doing *cooking classes, travel? Now is the time to go and enjoy this next phase. Another part of your destiny is right around the corner, you’ve had 20 years of training for this next phase!
Luz

I undersand your pain because I lived through it. I know that right now it is hard to accept the changes that you are going through. But I want to try and offer you a healing perspective.

What if you could give her the best gift, the best kind of love? Would you?
What if you could give that kind of love to yourself?
What would that love look like?

The best kind of love is unconditional love. It is the love that transforms with us, the kind of love that grows when it has to, that changes, morphs into something else when necessary.
What if you could give her your blessing and still love her even if she is not with you anymore. Would you?
What if you could embrace the love you shared for 20 years. Be grateful she was in your life, and wish the best for her now that she is not with you.

What if you could love yourself with that love? Would you?

Well, let me tell you something, You Can! Love is beautiful, magical, powerful, infinite. But I am not talking about the kind of love that owns people, or is offered under some conditions, or the love that is not willing to change. I am talking about the love the is willing to do anything. Willing to forgive, willing to let go, wiling to be just because.

Right now I understand how hard it can be for you to see her go. But reading your post I can see that you are trying hard to accept life and keep going. So I really wish that you consider changing your perspective.

Can you love her that way? Can you forgive her for changing?
Can you forgive yourself? Can you love yourself even if her love has changed?

I hope you realize that you can. Just surrender to reality and ask your God to lead the way.
I’ll be sending you all my love from here. And be sure that this too will pass! And everything will be ok!
Catherine

Dear TDL Reader,

I am also exactly in your situation, although like Tarah, also further in the journey. I was married for 23 years, with my husband for 28 years, and now starting over on my own. I not only lost a husband to another woman, I lost his entire family that had been my family for 28 years. Even though he was a cheat and a liar, his family has stood by him. I myself, have no family of my own except for my 2 children that are away at college, and it has been very, very, hard. It has been very hard on my children as well as he uses money to control them. But…I am surviving…even beginning to thrive and I have confidence that you will too.

I find it very hard to wrap my head around how someone can just throw away a relationship of that long of a duration without so much as an explanation but that is what cowards do. My ex husband never told me he wanted a divorce, never told me there was another woman, he just had me served with papers on my birthday, he had filed for divorce on the 26th anniversary of our first date. A date that will now go down in infamy as they say. I believe there is something seriously mentally wrong with him…and I am beginning to see just how dysfunctional his family is. But, its OK…I forgive them. I have to forgive them. I refuse to give them any power over me and my future and you must do the same. As a good friend said to me the other day as I was lamenting about how my ex still texts me and emails me to harass me…my friend said…”So, How much does your ex pay to rent that space in your head.”…and a light bulb went on.

It is so hard, believe me. I go through days when it is hard to even get out of bed, but I do. Night time is the worst, it is when we are alone with our thoughts that we beat ourselves up. Please do not do that to yourself. I am sure you are a wonderful person, and God is simply putting adversity in your life to get you to go in the direction you are supposed to go. I saw this message while watching Bishop TD Jakes the other night on TV. I am not a religious person but I am becoming more and more spiritual everyday and I love Oprah supersoul sundays, that is where I first learned of this site. I also was watching on Sunday, I find it so uplifting and truly food for the soul.

Be kind to yourself, take it step by step, minute by minute. I know how hard it is. You are not alone, you will never be alone. These are all things that I am slowly learning. Take care and be strong.
- Reflect84
  
  Dear Catherine, I could not believe what I was reading. Your story is the same exact story as mine except that I had 3 children. We had been married for 21 years but together a total of 25 years. My husband was having an affair with a women for 3 years before I found out. ( I believe that she wasnt the first one, of course after looking back) Then it was over. It was the most difficult time in my life. I too had to start over. I was a stay at home Mom and had no skills as far as the working world. I was never so scared in all my life. I didnt know if I was going to be homeless as I had no money. Of course he was the one with all the money and that influenced my children as they have always gotten what they have wanted from their father. The divorce battle raged on and it took 4 years before it came to an end. It was the worst 4 years of my life. I too could not at times get out of bed. I cried all the time and was in such pain and fear of what was going to happen to me, and the pain of losing my husband and my children was unbearable. He was using the children against me and telling them lies as far as the divorce and court. I just wanted the nightmare to go away. I was surrounded by his family as mine lived in a different city hours away, and that was difficult for me also. But I thank God that I had some wonderful friends that helped me get through this. If it were not for them I dont know where I would be today. Just as the divorce was coming to an end I got devistating news that my middle son was killed in a motorcyle accident. I just could not believe what I was hearing and I thought I cannot do this anymore and I cannot go on. How much pain can a person endure!!! This has just torn me up and I have lost faith in people, love , and life. Its been such a hard road for me as Im not a very strong person to begin with. My husband and I have been together for 25 years and he has always taken care of me and our children. He made good money and I never worried about being without and never thought in a million years that I would be in this situation. Being alone and broke. And isnt it funny that you say that sometimes he stills emails you or text’s you because mine is doing the same. But like you say, you just need to take one day at a time. And to the TDL reader, believe me, I was were you are, but it was worse for me. You will make it through!! Of course the pain is just so unbearable right now and I know that you cannot ever see yourself ever being happy again or without the pain of all this, but believe me you will be ok.. If I could get through this nightmare Im sure you will also. And to you Catherine thank you for sharing your story . I thought I was alone in my own nightmare.
- kathleen
  
  Dear Catherine,
  
  Our stories are so similar it is eery. I was with my ex partner for 23 years.Last January I returned from my annual visit to Texas to see my grand kids for the X-mas holiday to have him announce he wanted me to leave. I have 4 daughters one in Texas & three in Washington state. The daughters in Washington haven’t spoken to me since I left him last March. My youngest daughter is getting married in March & has banned me from attending. All three of them refuse to tell me what I did to deserve to be abandoned even though I have apoligized for causing them to be hurt by my decisions. These daughters are not his biological daughters as my late husband died in 1988. I was so devastated back then I left everything, the home I paid for, my animals & all my personal belongings that wouldn’t fit in my car. I drove over 3200 miles just me and my dog in 6 days to get to South Texas. It was the most couragous thing I have ever done. That decision has changed my life in so many ways, all for the good. I want to say it isn’t that I taking comfort in knowing you too suffered such devastating betrayal, loss & pain but reassuring to hear I am not alone in this adventure. Next month will be one year since I made the great escape. Not a day goes by that I don’t offer gratitude for not living with someone so incredibly selfish, toxic & emotionally abusive. Your advice is spot on. One day at a time or if that’s too much one hour… one minute at a time.
http://www.billnewgent.com/ Bill Newgent

Sir, Let me first say that I love Tarah’s contribution. Great value in her post here for you please be sure to read them.
I would also like to just let you know that YOU ARE ENOUGH. Enough for life, for you, for anything, and when you are ready to be with love again. I know in this moment that probably doesn’t feel like a possibility for you. Trust me it is.Your ex did what she did for her reasons. Take care to not make these events about you. From reading your post it seems she made a decision based on her not so much because of you. The tendency is to get stuck in your head looking for a label or event or reason to pin it on. I get that. I understand you are looking for a reason because a reason could lead to a solution or at least closure. As hard as it may seem that is not a healthy direction for you and does not serve you or anyone around you. Put your energy into being gentle and loving with yourself. You are worthy of that. It’s on you to start owning that you are worthy, you matter, and you are enough. Little by little that will start to land for you as you emerge from this. I know this to be true about you. We (all of us) are much more alike than we are different. You are in more ways than not my brother. So I know this to be true about you. Love and possibility to you my friend!!!
Bevnero

Dear One,
My heart breaks for you.
What your partner did to you she also did it to herself.
Benevolence unfolds in the grace of your grieving;
the grace of forgiving; the grace of your continuing ability to love; the grace in your given ability to heal.

I sit with you in your sorrow with full faith that you will again feel joy.

BN
Donna Beth

It may help to define You.

For years you have been a husband – a son – a father – a friend – a neighbor – a consumer – …… Make a list that is yours. Then take a look. What has really changed? Only one or two. You continue to be a friend – a son – a father. There is still a lot there for you that is known and familiar.

A lot of what you have lost is more than a spouse. You have lost a routine – being part of a couple – a comfort zone – the definition of who you are – a partner in Bridge ……. Embrace redefining who you are and who you want to be. At first this is very painful and hard to do. It is a work in progress. A step by step, day by day journey.

Good Luck to you in your journey. Continue to grow and redefine yourself.
lizbippart

Dear TDL Reader…My heart breaks for your pain. I too am living through the break-up of my marriage. I ask the Universe to teach me what I need to learn from this pain-filled experience. It’s possible that we chose these lives in order to learn particular yet unknown lessons. I would recommend a healthy lifestyle so the stress can’t get to you easily, and yoga or other forms of energy balancing exercise. Practice wishing for your wife to have peace and love as well as yourself. When I feel the hurt and anger I try to use such phrases as a mantra to overcome the voices running rampant in my brain. I am becoming an EFT practicioner and that has helped reduce the emotional trauma of loss. There is something on the other side of this and sometimes I get a fleeting glimpse of it. I do believe the Universe has abundant intentions for us. I wish you peace and love.
TJ

It is difficult to not begin a new day with broken pieces of yesterday, but each day is another day where we find ourselves one step closer to healing. I send each of you love, courage, and boundless opportunities.
Jcgoree

Your life will get better. Lean on your family and friends. Therapy may help. Take care of yourself. Get lots of rest.

I spent the entire year of 2012 devastated. My husband of 32 years announced that he had been in a nine year affair and now in another with a 20 year old (he was 57). It blew me away and sent me in to a deep dark depression.

You will need to ask for help from those who love you. I was never ashamed to do that. Divorce day came and I held my head high. I was faithful for 33 years…even through the year separation. I do not understand how someone can be so selfish as to not even care that his adult children don’t want anything to do with him. His girlfriend is younger than his daughter.

Hang in there an no that you will make it though. Your life will change, but you will be stronger and better…it takes time.
Carma

Dear Sir,
Like all of the commenters below, I find myself in the same situation. My divorce was final Feb 2, 2012, and he left town to move to his new love 5 days later. We were married 23 years. The past two years have truly been difficult. Our child is off and very happy, yet very far away, so my house is very quiet. I find I miss him less and less, and still long for the routine, and companionship. I no longer feel broken, but as hard as I try I do not “get” and cannot achieve “loving myself” as one person mentioned. So many of my friends have said the same thing, but I just simply do not know how. I have found great comfort in a bible study group, and lovely friends – so I encourage you to surround yourself with something like that. with prayers….
http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/ Sarah Noel

I can relate to you. First, I want to say this: You said when you left, back in Nov. to visit your son, that your partner loved you. And then when you returned, she didn’t. All of a sudden. Out of the blue. I’m telling you that is not the case. I’m 99% sure (not 100% sure since I don’t know you or your partner). But I’ve been there. Just because YOU didn’t see any issues in the relationship didn’t mean they weren’t there. I’ve actually been on the side of your partner. I was with a guy (not for 20 years, so I’m even comparing my or his pain to yours… we were together 2 years). The day after Christmas I went to visit my dad’s family for a couple of days, while my boyfriend stayed home (he had to work). When I arrived at the destination I texted him, “I love you.” I did (and still do). Then about 2 weeks later I asked him to move out (we had been living together the past 2 years). He was floored. Similar to you. He asked, how does a person go from saying “I love you,” to asking the person to move out, just 2 weeks later. Basically what I told him, and what I can tell you, is there is usually a LOT going on under the surface that the other partner may not be aware of. Or choose not to see. Or perceive differently. I’m guessing your partner has felt disconnected from you and wanting to make a change for a good long while now. She just may have not let on. Or maybe you didn’t get the signals. But she finally reached her breaking point, and probably you being gone only solidified in her mind that she DOES want to be single and be out of the relationship. That’s how it was with me. I had doubts for a while. But it took being physically separated for me to really see that I was happier on my own. Perhaps that’s what happened with your partner.

Still, for you, it sucks. I get that. Since you were together so long, and since YOU didn’t see it coming, it’ll likely take you a lot longer to accept the split. But I encourage you to let it be what it is. Meditate, if you are into that. Or go to church. Or a therapist. Or talk to a loving, good listening friend. Or write in a journal. Whatever helps you come to terms with what is. I know it’s hard to hear this right now, but even this IS in your best interest. You may not see it now, but I promise you that someday you’ll get it. If you let yourself. The key is looking at this experience with an open heart and open eyes. Learn from it. Grow. Expand. You’ll be fine. Don’t expect to be fine tomorrow…but you WILL be fine. I’ll send positive thoughts your way. Go do something good for yourself now!

Sarah
http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/2013/02/accept-perfection.html
Kimber

What everyone has shared has been so helpful. One thing is knowing we are not alone. There is time for grief & crying with loved ones. Don’t make it more unbearable by thinking & blaming & wondering. This breakup can prepare you for something even better. There are 2 chapters in a book called “The Vortex” which I read when I go to bed. It gives me hope. This is painful but clearing the way for something better than you can imagine.
Taking yoga, encouraging your own interests, finding things you love about life..Asking the universe for any kind of help you need. Anything. EFT also helps. I thank you for sharing with me because I feel like it is so hard to get out of bed. But we have a life to lead. Imagine someone , a love that will fulfill your wildest dreams. You can pull out of this. You deserve to feel happy & love life again.
http://twitter.com/UrSelfGrowth YourInnerSelfGrowth

What an incredible story. I can’t find the words to express it. I am not in a position and can’t say I can relate from personal experience, but I believe that if you endure, you can slowly, but surely move on….
Me Too

“I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn’t know you had inside you. And it doesn’t matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends… you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he’ll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you’ll go somewhere new. And you’ll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade. ” – Iris (Kate Winslet), The Holiday

Please know “all that fuzzy stuff” will being to fade. Please know you are not alone. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Jeffy

My Big Sister turned me on to this site. I’m the youngest out of six and seem to have been the problem child” in a house full of love. We just lost our ANGEL of a Mom to Alzheimers and I just lost my job. LOVE-HOPE-FAITH_BELIEF…these are all things I have and will continue to have. I have struggled thru vicoden addiction…rehabs etc. I have struggled thru job loss and being poor. I am still struggling financially.(that is an undestatement–I have no money). Even after all the help my wonderful family has given. This is a treadmill I cannot get off. The one thing that keeps me going is people like this in TDL. I was with a company I thought would be the end all of my job hunt for over 8 years makinfg very good money and one after the other merges-aquisitions etc. happened and I have been struggling to get a long lasting job for which seems like ever. I even had a friend say once “jeffy-if you killed yourself–I think everyone would understand why”. I have a wife and 9 year old boy who is the best thing ever happened to me bla bla bla yadda yadda,,,,I gues my bottom line question is this. I feel like I will never get off this treadmill with some company or some angel giving me a chance to work. Time goes fast and this struggle seems like its been going on forever. To much to put in one blog. BUT–Thank you for letting me babbel. I love loving people. I think there is good in us all.
Y
Signed Babbeling Yada yada JEFFY