Yesterday I saw Mastin on an Oprah’s Super Soul Sunday episode and heard about this site. I am desperate for anything to help my soul heal and feel like I’m grasping at straws, but I also believe Source guides us both in joy and in despair to what we most need.
I have been with the love of my life for twenty years, through thick and thin. I love her more than words can express and I have believed in her since the day we met 21 years ago. I went away for the month of November to visit with our son and his family out of state, leaving my partner with our horses and dogs and cats. We talked almost every day while I was gone and though she sounded tired, since ours is a household that really does require two people to manage, I never expected that I would come home to a completely different and destroyed life. Three days after I returned, at the start of Dec. my partner announced that we were no longer together, that she is no longer in love with me, is now single and that there is no reconciliation on the table….
I find I am stalled at this point in my narration. I have no words to express the cavern of anguish where my heart should be. Almost two months have passed and it feels like a hundred years of heart break, disbelief, confusion… I can’t think or breathe. In the interim have passed the holidays and my 56th birthday. Our mutual friends are as shocked…truly disbelieving, as I. There has so far been very little explanation and of that there has been nothing very illuminating. Only that she is unhappy and wants to pursue more.
I love her and am trying so hard to let go of our life together for both of our sakes, to support her in a decision she clearly feels she had to make, to not rail against the Uni-verse, to not hate myself for not being more or better or kinder or more sensitive…whatever it was that changed her heart. I feel disposed of, old, insufficient.
I despair of ever trusting anything again. The day I left to visit the kids, she loved me…somewhere over that month she stopped. I know it must be more complex than that but this is the whole of the experience. I cannot reconcile this distant person with my beloved partner who has always been the definition of compassion and kindness… Trusty, Loyal, Faithful and True, as we have always called her.
I don’t know how to endure this loss and pain. How do I wrap my head around something that no one in our families’ total or entire circle of friends can fathom?
20 years… no understanding. I truly don’t know how I can endure. I want to believe in the benevolence of the Uni-verse but I can’t see through this overwhelming sorrow.
A TDL Reader