I can’t count the number of times I’ve decided that “This will be the day I change habits one, two, and three.” Or, “Tomorrow I’m going to start eating better.” Then, when I fail to keep the momentum going I get so down on myself. Lately I haven’t really been speaking my truth-I’ve been ignoring some major issues you in my life, specifically my relationship with my dad, mom, my uncle, my aunt, and my siblings.
I realized that I was pretending to be okay and “together,” but honestly I’ve been really angry and high strung. I’ve been holding on to the past. I’ve been bitter, depressed, and ashamed of my actions towards my parents. My dad and I have had a crazy relationship, and over the years I’ve found it hard to forgive him. He’s changed for the better in so many ways, and for the longest time I have refused to acknowledge his turn around. As well, I’ve taken out my frustration on my mom. I haven’t done right by her, and I want to.
I’m obsessed with having this definitive answer for life, or think that I have a better handle on life than most 21 year olds (almost 22!), but I don’t. I’m so attached to what an outcome of something may be that I sike myself out and dismiss whatever I want to do or feel as “weird” or “who cares?” I care. I want to be free to express myself and truly live honestly with my soul open to the uni-verse. I want to be able to stand strong in my convictions yet have the adaptability to take in new material. I want to be real with myself, and really listen to my soul.
Everyday my mind and heart sways with what I want to do with my life. I’m never sure, and it concerns my parents mainly because I’m about to graduate college and I have no specific plans. I wanted for the longest time to live in NYC and act, but more and more I feel that that isn’t where it’s at for me. I love making people laugh, and I’ve always felt that way-even as a kid I would try and not be this bubbly kid but I couldn’t help it! I know for sure I want to help people and make them feel good. I’ve always said that if I can be the odd or goofy one in the room, at least someone else in the room can feel that they maybe aren’t the only one who had an obsession with Michael Jackson since age 4. (Yes, that was me. Moonwalk and all).
The only thing I know for certain is that I’m up for grabs. For the first time I’m expressing, doing, and living without the fear of other people’s opinions, and just trying to work on myself. Above all else I want to be happy. My desires for life change as I get older and days go by, and that’s cool. I only want to make sure that I hold true to who I am and live my life without the persuasion of others.
I love music, I love being goofy, I love food, I love people, I love Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory.
We all are ever a work in progress. That’s what I’ve got so far.
A TDL Reader
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