Here I am, 17 1/2 years later, and I still look up and wonder, “How’d I get here?” Separated from society, family, friends and my dreams. As terrible as I feel, though, that’s nothing compared to my victim, who lost everything including life. So who am I to talk about my hopes and dreams? My victim had hopes and dreams, too. I watch the news and grieve over people killed in shootings, care accidents, wars, etc., but the cold thing is, I’m one of those responsible for a death.
Why couldn’t circumstances change to prevent the tragedy that happened on that day? My crime took about two minutes, but that two minutes changed everything, cost a life, caused a lifetime of suffering and pain in many hearts. I wish life was like the making of a movie where you can yell “Cut!” and do another take; redo the scene. I’m not the only one with those regrets. Many others like me wish they could relive that day, change the scene, do it differently and think it over. In the heat of passion, the throes of intoxication and/or drug addiction, there is no judgment, no rational thinking.
Now, here I am, working on making the change in myself, and working to change the world for the better. My priorities are definitely changed. I like how JC said it in the last group meeting, and I agree. I’ll paraphrase, but it sounded something like this; “It’s the worst thing and the best thing that’s happened to me! It’s the worst thing because of the tragedy I created and the resultant pain, suffering of all involved parties, including myself. But it’s also the best thing, because if not for this, I wouldn’t have become the person I am today, a changed man, a much wiser man with different priorities, a man who truly cares about his community and society. I didn’t want all this to come about to make the change, but it’s better to change than not to change.”
The weekends get real reflective for me here at San Quentin. I get a strong longing to be on the outside on those days. Don’t get me wrong, I long to be on the outside every day, but the urges get even stronger on the weekends. The community get-togethers I used to take for granted, I really long for now. There was a weekend concert taking place at Treasure Island while I wrote this blog post. I would love to have been playing there. I would also be at home composing music, and now, a documentary piece, since I acquired those skills. To those on the outside, don’t take for granted all the freedoms that you have, because freedom is in reality, being out of prison, either in here or in your mind. Prison is not just a building, but a way of life. If you’re imprisoned in your mind, you’re in prison. So, as Ecclesiastes 9:10 states, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might, for there is no work or device or knowledge or wisdom in the grave where you are going.” The late Steve Jobs had the right idea, “Stay hungry, stay foolish,” a quote he got from the final issue of The Whole Earth Catalog in the mid-1970s. I know the feeling! I want the opportunity to help change the world, too!
Every second counts for me. In reality, I’m scared of growing old and dying in prison, so the fight for me is not just to get out of prison, but to make a difference to the world in my own way. From when I was little, I wanted to be famous in some kind of way, first with sports, then later with music (although not the commercial, sell-out type of success.) Nowadays, though, I could care less about being famous, just as long as I’ve made a positive mark in this world. Musically, I want to have a voice, an expression to present to the streets, a voice of expressing the realities of life, the truths of existence, a better way of living by exposing the issues and making people reflect on making society better. Add to those video documentaries and whatever artistic way to make myself heard, and there’s my expression. People respond to art – putting abstract, creative, even surrealistic concepts to reality to make a point. That’s the opportunity I want. To interact with like-minded individuals out there as well as to collaborate in these endeavors to make the world a better place – that’s what I want. Hope you share my vision.
www.thelastmilesq.com @thelastmilesq #PHI
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Read more about Phil here.
