Last night I called a friend in a 12 Step group I attend and he was somewhat surprised to hear from me. He told me that another person in the same 12 Step group had told him not to bother trying to contact me because I had “relapsed” and “gone back out!”
I was somewhat taken aback! For starters one of the cornerstones of any 12 Step group is not gossiping about other members. And the source of the misinformation was a person I really respect and who has been a huge part of my healing journey. And I was curious as to what qualified him to say this in the first place.
So I assured my friend I was calling, that nothing could be further from the truth.
I told him that I felt more empowered and moving towards truth and purpose than ever before in my life. It was also ironic that today just happened to be my two-year anniversary of abstinence from alcohol, which was one of the programs I was in.
It’s because my healing journey has gone in a different direction, and because I don’t fit their mold and fit into their perspective any longer and because I am not attending “their” meetings much anymore, that to them I have gone back out and relapsed! They are simply projecting their scarcity and fear-based perspectives onto me.
Personal growth is an amazing and noble journey, but when guilt and manipulation is introduced into the equation, recognize it and don’t buy into it. The only blueprint you have to model should be your own. And if you are at peace with yourself and at peace with The Uni-verse, then that’s all that matters and the rest is extraneous garbage. And realize that being a change agent will by default create fallout, jealousy and resistance. A byproduct of living a self- approved life of purpose and growth is that you will alienate certain people who are fear-based. Just don’t buy into it!
No one process works for one purpose for all people all the time. Things evolve and change. Journeys change direction and that’s okay.
On further refection I had a similar situation that manifested during my coach training on Sunday. I had a transformational day on Saturday supported by some amazing coaching. It became obvious that I had to let go of the residual “shame monkey” that I continue to carry around with me for comfort and familiarity. And I made a conscious, focused and purposeful commitment to offload that residual shame and step further into alignment with The Uni-verse. I had a powerful student coaching experience for my evening homework! I finished my blog early and went down to the waterfront and ending up speaking to a homeless guy for 40 minutes. I got home at 1:00am; I had the best sleep ever.
Then on course on the next morning, feeling vibrant, and renewed and excited about my shift, and while I was sharing my student coaching experience with the group, I felt like I started getting challenged for not manifesting clients, not showing up, staying stuck and hiding behind my story. It didn’t help that one of the instructors, whom I felt a complete disconnect from the entire weekend, essentially affirmed that I was stuck and resistant, and opened the floor to the students for their comments. Well that had the effect of opening duck hunting season and I was fired with questions of why I wasn’t moving forward and why I was hiding behind my story!
Then I started to feel really shitty!
And I went into my default of, “if I feel shitty, I must be shameful and unworthy.”
I love the quote, “If anyone can steal your peace you are the loser,” – Bikram. So I started to question why I now felt so vulnerable and shitty, and how I could take responsibility for it. (It was baffling especially coming from such a powerful evening the night before.) I thought there was no way that they could all be wrong and only me be right, so I did what I have done all my life. I bought into the group perspective so that I could be accepted and loved, and I started to spiral back into shame and search for the reason to justify my feelings of unworthiness to support what was being projected onto me!
But that’s garbage!
If someone dies in a car accident in front of you, you are “going feel shitty.” And there is no cosmic reason for you to dissect your feelings and take some kind of responsibility for them, or start to feel shameful about them or take on some ridiculous group perspective that has nothing to do with the truth. I felt shitty because I was opened for target practice by a less than aware facilitator. And I chose my default pattern of signing up to the group perspective when everything in my gut was saying something was really out of whack with what was going on.
What’s not ok is doubting ourselves and our relationship with The Uni-verse and taking on the perspective of a person or a group so that we can feel loved and accepted by them.
The Uni-verse gives you permission to live your life with “fierce courage” and take a stand for yourself.
So where in your life are you being defined by the perspectives and opinions of people or organizations?
Is there somewhere in your life that you are allowing guilt and manipulation to alter your journey of personal growth and your quest for truth?
Are you compromising your relationship with The Uni-verse and taking on the perspective of a person or a group so that you can feel loved and accepted by them?
Much Love and Welcome Home,
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Ryf Van Rij is a coach and creator of “The Daily Way Home.” He has also been an Actor, a Commercial Pilot, a Business Co-Owner and an Events Coordinator at a Major City Art Gallery.