All I have ever wanted was to love and be loved. To dive in with two feet and take the biggest leap ever known. To risk looking like a fool for Love. I have known this with every breath of my being; teased and criticized that I live in fantasy world. Many truths are said in jest, and I have come to know and accept that I do live in a land that not many are willing to join and play. A world that does exist and that I know is true. A world where I (most often) see the beauty in the ugly, the happiness in the sorrow, and the innocence of the self-rejecting and entitled narcissist.
My father said, “Good-bye” to me this week. This time I said it back. Not because I wanted to, but because I knew that I had done everything, said everything, and been everything I could possibly be to serve love to him. An impossibility for him to receive because his pain of abandonment as a child is just too great to go through and overcome. I know how it feels. Abandonment is the ultimate betrayal in the mind of a child, screaming that you are simply not worthy. I may not have been abandoned physically; but in my core, I knew that one day…I would be. Being extremely intuitive as a child, I knew that if I didn’t behave just so…I would be rejected. After all, my oldest brother was. And so, I became the good little girl, living by what my parents and society deemed as worthy. I mastered the worldly world and was accepted and admired by many. The money, the titles, the awards, the parties given in my honor, the friends, the beauty, the personality, and just smart enough to get by.
One could ‘think’ I had it all. Ha! Didn’t matter. Inside, I was aware of what I ‘thought’ and who I was. I knew that I didn’t feel as deeply as others or even cared that the men I seduced were in pain. I moved on, hardly skipping a minute of sleep. I played the dating game and was a master. Deep, deep down in my subconscious realm, I enjoyed watching people fall in love with me; and then BAM…I was over it. And to my surprise, most times, I really didn’t care. “MOVING ON!” I would say. “Moving on”….All I ‘seemed’ to care about was the ones who didn’t treat me quite right. The ones who didn’t want to marry me or the ones who truly did not see my soul. Like my parents. But, how could anyone see my heart when I didn’t see my own? For I had been projecting my shadow more than my light, and they were merely my magnetized reflections. A reflection that I blamed and screamed at instead of welcoming and honoring. Deep down, I knew that I didn’t know how to feel that deep compassion that I ‘thought’ I witnessed in so many. I knew how to fake it and force myself to cry so I didn’t look insensitive. When I would cry, I shed many tears…but mostly for myself. “Am I enough?” became more important than loving. “Could I be a narcissist?” I asked my therapist and he said, “Narcissists never ask whether they are a narcissist… out loud.” Whew…what a relief. But, the question remained…
In my heart (and thank The Uni-verse I still had one), I knew that I was not clear in my devotion to Love. Until one day, I realized that I am truly NOT my thoughts. Up until last night, I have ‘tried’ to ignore my shadow…but it has been there, lurking and waiting to be honored and accepted for the role it has played in my life (thank you, Shaman Jon). I have pushed it down so far, pretending it wasn’t even there. Too painful to see and far too uncomfortable to accept because then I could make that mean I would become “it” again. It meaning that entitled girl, waiting to be protected and loved by the ghosts that haunted me daily. We all have a side to us that doesn’t work, and when we ignore it we will meet it face to face if we are so lucky. It will need to be extreme, so we cannot miss it.
And then, there is the choice. Do we resist the gift from the Universe and continue with hatred and blame, separating ourselves from God? Or, do we go head on with a part of us that we do not like or even detest? A part of us that are just players in the earth school game, facilitating us to create bridges of compassion with our fellow awakening beings instead of boundaries. Facilitating us to bravely choose to SEE the truth about our shadow and NOT judge it.
I spent some hours hating myself and others yesterday. Yeah…me. One that blogs most days and shouts the word, “LOVE” from my rooftop deck. My mentor, Cinnamon did her best to help me find my heart again. But, how could I without taking 100% responsibility for my ego? Because I was looking for a way out, I was forgetting that the way to my heart was the way in. There is nothing out there; it is always within. And that is how I remain safe, free, and loving.
In a world where most of us scare ourselves with this type of spiritual work, we will continue to suffer until we reclaim our birthright to freedom. We are not our ego, our thoughts, or even our downright ugliness. We are love. End of story. (Click to tweet)
I may be in fantasy world, and I may be even slightly insane, but I have had created enough suffering. And believe me that enough is enough.
My hope, is that one day, you will too.
With all my heart,