I have been thinking about writing for a while but for some reason, I haven’t. Today’s the day I guess.
The first thing I’ve been dealing with and most difficult is that I was in a 7-year relationship that ended about a year ago. Alex was going through a great deal while we were together, and said he was on a very self destructive path, and because of me a lot of bad things were avoided, because he loved me enough to not do them, but then he started to resent me for keeping him from basically destroying himself. And he started to hate me. So he cheated on me. Now he realizes what he did and why, he’s been getting help, and misses me and wants me to forgive him.
I didn’t even realize how angry I was at him until this week, because I was still so worried about him this whole time, I never worried about me. Now that he’s getting help I can focus on myself, and I’m so mad. I don’t know how to forgive him; I don’t know where to start. I have loved him for 8 years, and I still don’t know how to forgive.
I have also tried to move on, and the one person I did date for 4 months dumped me after finding out that I’d only slept with two people, including him, so obviously that was painful. I don’t know how to meet men, and I don’t really get asked out. People always say that I probably go on a date a night, but I definitely don’t. I’d love to meet someone else, but especially in NY I find it really hard.
The last thing I’m dealing with is money issues. I left my job to be a yoga teacher, and I am struggling. I can’t take the classes that I am offered, and be available to get more jobs with a full time job, or even most part time jobs, but unemployment doesn’t cover my bills (I went to law school, I’ve got about $1000 in student loans each month), and I’m really struggling. I had an anxiety attack on the subway Monday just overwhelmed with everything I’m dealing with.
I just don’t really know how to turn all of this around. Thank you for listening.
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