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Daily Share: Forgiveness, Moving On, and Money

Hi Mastin,

I have been thinking about writing for a while but for some reason, I haven’t.  Today’s the day I guess.

The first thing I’ve been dealing with and most difficult is that I was in a 7-year relationship that ended about a year ago.  Alex was going through a great deal while we were together, and said he was on a very self destructive path, and because of me a lot of bad things were avoided, because he loved me enough to not do them, but then he started to resent me for keeping him from basically destroying himself.  And he started to hate me.  So he cheated on me.  Now he realizes what he did and why, he’s been getting help, and misses me and wants me to forgive him.

I didn’t even realize how angry I was at him until this week, because I was still so worried about him this whole time, I never worried about me. Now that he’s getting help I can focus on myself, and I’m so mad.  I don’t know how to forgive him; I don’t know where to start.  I have loved him for 8 years, and I still don’t know how to forgive.

I have also tried to move on, and the one person I did date for 4 months dumped me after finding out that I’d only slept with two people, including him, so obviously that was painful.  I don’t know how to meet men, and I don’t really get asked out.  People always say that I probably go on a date a night, but I definitely don’t.  I’d love to meet someone else, but especially in NY I find it really hard.

The last thing I’m dealing with is money issues.  I left my job to be a yoga teacher, and I am struggling.  I can’t take the classes that I am offered, and be available to get more jobs with a full time job, or even most part time jobs, but unemployment doesn’t cover my bills (I went to law school, I’ve got about $1000 in student loans each month), and I’m really struggling.  I had an anxiety attack on the subway Monday just overwhelmed with everything I’m dealing with.

I just don’t really know how to turn all of this around.  Thank you for listening.

Love,

TDL Reader

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  • Mary

    Dear, sweet woman.. You are going through a lot right now. Ouch and ouch again.  Your wounds are fresh. 
    Someday you will see why this is all here for you….and right about now (in the darkest hours) is when some openings will come for you and you’ll find your way out of this. At least that’s how it happened for me.Know that your current pain means you are very, very close to figuring this out. Here is a metaphor that a now favorite teacher/mentor told me when I was at the bottom. Maybe it will help you if you are ready.”You are a car. Your ‘emotional body’ is the gas (how you feel!).  How do you expect to get any where with that kind of dark anger as your fuel? You can’t!”  She showed me how I was deeply and darkly focused on WHAT I DID NOT WANT and had really no clear idea of WHAT I WANTED.  So I was in a horrid cycle of creating the exact thing I was tortured over! She wisely acknowledged that putting a whole new way of living life into practice when one is in the middle of just putting one foot in front of the other might be rather daunting.  So she gave me a 1, 2, 3 step thing to do to clear all the negativity that held me back until I could function well enough to do things differently. Here is the gist of it:1) Acknowledge how you feel. Outloud. (no doubt, you are doing this!!) But if you stop here…you are stuck.2) Breathe IN and see that negative energy you’ve just announced going into your body (not unlike tong len meditation)3) Exhale and visualize this negative energy dropping out of your body through your root chakra  and down a grounding cord to the center of the earth. From there the  Universe will take care of it/send it back to whom it belongs, but that is not your business.  My grounding cord is a waterfall and when I send it I feel like I am flushing a toilet (and because of all the S*** my ex was handing me that helped!! HA!) My daughter’s grounding cord is the root of a tree. People have all different kinds. I can tell you that there were days that I “flushed” that negative “S***” through my body  every few moments as it was coming at me fast! 
    And here’s the fun part, if you are ready:
    4)  Picture a golden sun right above your head. In this is everything you WANT to feel and be and do.
    Pin prick it and let that golden, beautiful feeling fill you up entirely. This part was hard for me, because I hadn’t had any practice thinking about what I wanted!!! NOW, let the Universe do it’s thing. You don’t have to figure it all out. Not your job. That belongs to the Universe (God, whatever you’d like to call it).So maybe that little trick will help you so that you will get to the point where you can make your own happiness regardless of your life situation. More and more teachers will show up for you (books, this blog, a guy on the subway….). There are so many amazing souls out there to help and you will find several that speak to YOU.   Am I free of negativity now? Of course not! I’m a human! But I get better and better at dealing with life and I can truly say….you will be happy again. Give yourself some time. And for God’s sake, don’t drag someone else into this with you right now. Step away from the men! That won’t help you right now (been there, done that). You will make a better partner  as a whole person anyway!!! Give yourself that gift!

  • MoJo

    I have also recently been betrayed by my boyfriend and I have relocated and am currently rebuilding my life, so I can identify with what you are going through. I have spent the last 4 months being angry and laming him for everything. Only now am I starting to yearn for forgiveness and seeing the part I played in the demise of our relationship…. it takes two, right!? Seeing my part, has eased some anger towards him.  My tendency would be to take the anger I felt towards him and turn to towards me…. How did I let myself get in this situation? I’m — years old, shouldn’t I know better? ETC ETC ETC. When I start to do that I look to the positive in my life. Even though rebuilding a life is super tough, it is also super exciting and since it is just me, I get to really look and see what makes me happy and design a life around that. I hope this helps!

  • Emm

    As a fellow New Yorker, I can relate to your pains on dating. I can also relate to your money issues. I’m 37, living off my savings (which is close to hitting bottom) to go back to school, living in an apartment smaller than my college dorm, worried about the prospects of finding a job after shcool in this glum economy). All the while, hoping to meet someone. I start my day with Daily Love, which has given me tremedous courage and hope, even on days where I feel like disapperaing. What I’ve learned, is that it’s better to have faith than not. That everything will eventually fall into place. I know it’s easier said than done, but please know that you have a fellow New Yorker who has faith in your happiness, and sending you love.

  • Ilikebeards

    Just know that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.  The Uni-verse does not give us what we cannot handle.  Hard yes – but you have the strength to live through it and learn.  Imagine what great things are on the other side of this!

  • Wayne

    Hi, I am feeling for you in all of this. Right now you need to concentrate on you and your own healing. Alex has to deal with his healing and if you get back with him in any capacity you will slow, and undermine the healing process for the both of you. If you can stay apart while you both heal then you will be so glad that you did in the future. It is not easy, but is possibly the best thing at the present time. I have walked this road in the past and a complete break is by far the best solution and the fastest road to wholeness for the both of you. All that you feel is perfectly normal and right, not just OK, but right. You need to get angry, and to greive and to forgive and to heal, these are all necessary parts of getting over someone or some trauma in our lives. Take care and amy God Bless you in all of this as you moe forward in your life. If you want someone to chat to in Australia, just ask Mastin to give you my email address. Wayne

  • Daniela25

    Hi, I have been there and still am in this situation waiting to see how things will turn. Still with a person who did this to me and doing it to me. We have been together for so long and this keeps is going. I do not know what the final outcome will be, but I am working on myself and waiting for a project. I hope things will turn for the best:) Good luck to you, and I know you can do it. :)

  • Li

    Wow I can relate on sooo many levels. Your post hits very close to home and all I can say is this:
    You need to heal and let go of the anger for YOU. Thats a process so be patient with yourself. Once the weight of that anger subsides, dating will get better.The sun will shine again.

    As for the money, kudos to you for having the courage to pursue your bliss! do what you love and you will get by. Have faith ( hope implies doubt). See about deferring the law school loans (im still paying mine at a snails pace) and know that you have to be true to yourself.

    Sending you positive energy!

    Best,
    Li
    @LaLicenciada
    @HerDeepThoughts

  • SarahAghiliTHE

    You GROW through what you GO through! BE STRONG! God loves you TOO much to do anything that will harm you, he is making you stronger for whats ahead, something BIGGER! Its a blessing in disguise!