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Forgiveness

6Dana Lynne Curry_9508[1]I am glad that I’m learning to BE PRESENT with my friends without trying to:

  • FIX them and their problems
  • Rescue them
  • Tell them what to do (none of my business unless they ask – my friends are grown-ups!)
  • Judge them and break up with them because they are so BROKEN and I am so evolved (good one, huh? I used to tell myself that A LOT!)

A really beautiful friend of mine actually used to listen to me doing the same crazy crap all the time, nod, and after I was done ranting and raving, would gently ask,”What are you going to do?” and I was like… (well, first I have to tell you secretly that I was a little pissed and surprised because I have been allowing people to tell me what to do all my life AND… get this… I WANTED TO BE RESCUED… because I didn’t feel powerful and I really didn’t know what to do sometimes)…

Anyway, let’s go back to the start of my sentence.

A really beautiful friend of mine actually used to listen to my crazy crap all the time, nod, and after I was done ranting and raving, would gently ask,”What do you want?” and “What are you going to do?” and I was like (in my grown up spot), “Oh my God! This friend really believes I can solve this myself! Wow! Maybe I can!”

I AM SUPER-CAPITAL “D” DANA!

And now, I can pass on this wisdom to myself and the people I love (you know, like, as in EVERYONE)!

So today I’ll write a bit about  forgiveness:

TOP SECRET: It’s not about the person you’re forgiving; it’s about YOU and your own freedom. As Deepak Chopra writes, 

No one is wrong. In the eyes of love, all people are doing the best they can from their own levels of consciousness.” ~ Deepak Chopra

Just so you know, that doesn’t make right the crappy stuff that people have done. Horrible atrocities happen everyday in our world – murder, rape, suicide, child abuse, theft, natural disaster and the list goes on and on…

And guess what? Pain is part of life. And, thankfully, so is JOY! What I am saying, is this: It’s our choice what we do with our pain.

I know people who have been in pain, drama, and in victim mode FOREVER! And, I used to be there, too! And finally, I got sick of it. I got sick of feeling like crap, I got sick of my same old victim story, and I had to shift or die a slow spiritual death. The “shift” hit the fan, and I was presented with a choice.

Story (you’re welcome!): When I was super especially miserable at one point in my life, I began to run – a lot. And I ran… and ran… and ran… and ran (maybe a bit too much, actually, I have that tendency, if you haven’t noticed…). I was so burdened, stressed out, burned out, and sad and exhausted one morning, but I still went running before my kids got up. I turned left onto the three-mile course I did and I saw about a 15 pound ginormous rock. 

Something told me to pick it up… and guess what? I ran the whole damn 3 miles carrying that 15 lb. rock! And when I was  done, I put down the rock, and I felt as light as air! 

That’s what forgiveness does.

It frees us.

It makes us lighter.

It means we quit judging others

and making them “wrong” so our egos can be “right”, “superior”,

and 

ALL

THAT!

(and it takes the pressure off . . .) 

Anyway, just so you know, I totally get that it’s easier to stay stuck in being mad, right, offended, or disgusted by someone else’s behavior (which conveniently takes the focus off of ourselves, get it?). BUT it’s only hurting you (& me & we!)

What teeny tiny thing can you forgive today?

Let us know in the comments!

Smooch!

Dana

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Dana Lynne Curry, Ph.D., has been teaching middle school English (with no low bun) for over 23 years. She is a gReaT-fuL Writer, Storyteller, Teacher, Student, Irreverent GoofBall, Blogger, Servant, Philosopher, Spiritual Collagist (is that a word?), Mama, LoVer of LiFe!, Amazing Friend, and one cOOL pUsSy caT!! Find Dana at funfreeME and on Twitter @funfreeMe1.

  • Lori

    I am really working on forgiving my soon to be ex husband. He cheated and I stayed…. Had a family, he cheated, I ignored it and then he cheated again and again. Until finally I left the marriage. Now he claims be changed and I can’t let go and give him another chance. Is that being unforgiving because I chose not to let him into my heart again? I’m not bitter or resentful any longer, I just chose not to put myself in that position. It’s time for me to heal and move on to healthier relationship with myself and someday with someone who truly loves me. How do you forgive ?

    • Aurora

      Lori, I’m sorry your ex betrayed your trust. Ive been in your shoes and it hurts. But you forgive by realizing that thinking thoughts that make you feel bad are only hurting you, not the person who hurt you. You forgive by realizing that you are still giving that person power to hurt you when you hold on to resentment. You forgive by knowing that forgiving doesn’t mean you condone what the person did nor do you even have to like the person even a little – you just have to intend to not let them take up space in your head anymore. Forgiveness doesnt mean you are a doormat or make choices that dont serve you! You definitely deserve to find a mate who loves and supports you and your happiness. Love yourself first. Love yourself enough to give up the habit of thinking about being the victim of your ex’s behavior and train your mind away from his actions and on to your own dreams!!

      • Samantha

        Aurora, you actually answered the questions – what do you want and what are you going to do, in your second to last sentence. BE EMPOWERED!!

    • danalynnecurry

      Hey Lori–
      One of my besties is going through this same challenge and finally told his spouse that he is done. Capital D done.
      And he knows that this behavior is not about him, but about his partner’s inability for true intimacy and the search for the something better “out there,” outside the relationship.
      Your heart knows what to do and you sound like you are listening to your heart and not your intellect. Words are words; actions speak louder. Trust yourself!
      You deserve super huge juicy committed love! It’s divine! (not that I’ve had a ton of experience with it until recently, wink . . . . ;)
      Take care of you,
      Dana

  • Susan

    I can almost hear your voice as I was reading this…brash and funny and a sort of a “shake yourself out of your rut!” reminder…because it is easier to be the victim and continue on as always…but do I forgive my truly wonderful husband (also a great dad) who has begun drinking again when he made a commitment not to? the trust is gone…I’m fearful that forgiveness will send a message that I’m OK with his drinking and the slippery slope that comes with it…I’m not.

    • Michele Thomas

      Nor should you be ok with his drinking… I speak from experience, I have been in relationships with alcoholics/addicts and I am also a recovering alcoholic. The thing you need to understand is that your husband is SICK– alcoholism is a disease of the body, mind AND spirit. Your husband needs help, not judgement. If he cannot or will not seek help with the problem and you fear that it is adversely affecting your kids, then you MUST act to protect them. Such action needn’t necessarily be “leaving” your husband, it could be joining a support group which can help you deal with the chaos that comes from living with someone who has this disease (eg: Al-Anon) and educating yourself and your children about his illness. Perhaps, when your husband sees that you are managing better, in spite of the chaos he’s causing, he will be willing to seek help–or, perhaps not. Either way, the best way to deal with someone who is ill is with LOVE and compassion, feeling judged, will only give him one more “reason” to drink. This does not mean you should be a doormat; lovingly state your needs to him, without being critical/judgemental. His alcoholism (if indeed he is alcoholic) is NOT something that needs to be “forgiven”, it simply is… His actions that have resulted from his disease ARE what need to be forgiven (I know it can difficult to do so when they are still actively drinking).

      i sincerely hope this has been of some help.

      Michele

    • danalynnecurry

      Addiction is a tough one, also in my experience personally and in my family of origin. Might be a great time to enforce boundaries (I’ve been an enabler all my life) from a place of love and forgiveness, while doing what is right by you and your family–especially as this self-destruction impacts the core of trust. I know it’s hard to watch, so take care, surround yourself with people in recovery, and know that your husband has his own path with his addiction; even relapse has its gifts.
      So much love to you…I get it.
      Dana

  • Samantha

    I forgive myself for a decision I made 20 years ago which haunts me everyday. At the time I did the best I could from my own level of consciousness.

    • danalynnecurry

      Yes; we all do. Those are tough ones. Just know that whatever the decision was, there was a higher plan that you perhaps didn’t see, and that all is well and as it should be–even though there may have been pain and regret. The Uni-verse enacts the highest good for all involved, even if we see it as a regretful decision.
      Love to you Susan…I have similar regrets.
      Dana

  • Susan Long

    Thank you for sharing. Forgiveness and Judgement are the Ego issues that I am struggling with and I loved the fact that you shared your personal experience to help all of us.

    • danalynnecurry

      Hi Susan–
      You are welcome! I could write a book about my 48 years of foibles! Hahahahah!
      Love to you!
      Dana

  • Michele Thomas

    Thank you so much for sharing this. I too struggle with judgment of others and have found that those feelings are often rooted in fears I have about my own “shortcomings”. I have found that when I can begin to forgive/accept myself for my own foibles, it becomes much easier to accept others for the perfectly imperfect beings they are.