Friend Or Frienemy?

0932 Terri Cole HI RESDo you have any ‘frienemies’?

Are there relationships in your life that  leave you feeling drained, judged, and depleted? You may feel a sense of obligation or dread when they want to spend time with you. As counterintuitive as it sounds, most people have at least one frienemy in their circle.

So why would you stay in relationship with someone who makes you feel like crap, you may ask. There are a variety of reasons we draw certain people into our lives. There is an unconscious need, that this relationship is filling. When you actually look at what you are getting from your friendships notice if you are being filled up or drained. Notice how and why your interaction is familiar. The common denominator in every relationship in your life, is you. You are responsible for 50% of every interaction in every one of your friendships. If the friendship leaves you feeling lousy, it is worth the effort to uncover why you stay. Who does that friend remind you of? Where have you felt like this before? Does your relationship with them mirror your role in your family system? For example, if you were the overachieving hero child in an alcoholic family system, you may create friendships where you feel overly responsible for the success of those around you. If you take the time to connect the dots backwards to uncover the original relationship you might be repeating, you can create friendships instead of frenemies.

Healthy friendships are about acceptance (Tweet-worthy!); loving the good with the bad, without constant criticism and judgement. And while each relationship brings with it the potential for learning and growth, your friendships can also be joyful and easy.

You deserve loving and supportive relationships. Taking an honest inventory of how you feel in your current friendships is a good start. Though, once you have insight into your own behavior and what past relationship you might be repeating, you may no longer feel compelled to stay in an unhealthy friendship. Hopefully freeing up your energy to create healthy relationships.

What are your thoughts on frienemies? Have you had to deal with this type of friendship in your life? I always love connecting with you so please drop me a comment in the section below and join the conversation. And as always, take care of you.

Love Love Love,



As a licensed therapist, transformation coach, and mentor to well-known personalities in wellness, empowerment, and entertainment, Terri Cole is honored to help clients, and now readers like you, remain present and grounded, despite life’s complexities. She provides sustainable, action-oriented solutions you can implement TODAY that allow you to live a life that thrills you. Follow Terri on Facebook and Twitter.

  • I briefly dated a woman many years ago now, who had copious amounts of ‘frienemies’ as you say. Not an extrovert with a gregarious nature, but someone with a burning desire to fill a desperate need to be accepted and adored by people she did not know. She worked in a field where EVERYONE was your frienemy – and self esteem was built on the number of paid-for followers and likes on twitter, paid to be seen with people for publicity stakes, and even when someone was metaphorically pissing on her, it was better than being a ‘nobody’ it seemed. Anything to control this obsessive image of yourself, no matter what the price. Even a ‘painted nice’ on the exterior was still a mask for passive aggressive / manipulation it was all the same where ever you turned. As long as you were out for the same game. Beguiling and manipulative, why would you stay around that? Aren’t there many choices to walk away? I say this as a ‘good guy’….I never slept with her, treated her badly, and although short-lived, I saw the good in her and really created boundaries for her to love herself – I wouldn’t have even tried if I hadn’t have seen the good in her to start with.

    I am now married (not to this woman I mention above), and with a child. The woman I mention above – I can honestly say I was good to her. It ended badly and she ended up smashing the window of my car etc. I didn’t do anything about this, I let it pass but it feels so good to get it off my chest here. Maybe I judge and I’m guilty of that. If relationships teach you more about yourself than the other person, I’m so glad I’m in a place now where I can now be in a full and complete relationship. Not perfect, but capable of loving another wholly and fully. The most spiritual experience of all. When you set the intention to find exactly what you want, and you reflect what you are asking God for, it comes to you without you trying. Conversations With God.

    • Jennifer N.

      The fact that you are even reading this article, aimed at women, shows that you are truly open to your sensitivities and the tender side of your masculinity. You are an evolved man, interested in learning and understanding the perspectives of others, especially the woman in your life. I have met other evolved men, and I have noticed that the one commonly shared character flaw they possess is being judgmental and/or critical of women who they perceive as lesser evolved, which you openly admit. I think this may stem from a societal point of view
      that says women SHOULD be more emotionally evolved than men because girls are more encouraged and allowed to show emotion than boys. But when you consider the environment that nurtured the upbringing of any woman who appears to be lacking in authenticity, a better understanding of her nature should become apparent. Rampant materialism fosters shallowness in girls, and shallowness by definition is a lack of depth.
      Sadly, when a girl’s focus in youth is placed on things, rather than people (usually by her caregivers), she is being emotionally stunted and will likely never acquire the depth necessary for emotional evolution. Just as you would not judge a person who was deprived of oxygen during birth for having cerebral palsy, understand that such a woman is also handicapped (emotionally) and your judgment will fade.
      Hope that helps.

    • Thank you for sharing your insight and your story here with us. Sometimes people are unwell and our good behavior can not and does not change that. Enjoy the love and family you have created and keep up the good work. I am grateful you are here.

    • The Daily Love

      Thank you for sharing! -TDL Team