“I welcome the opportunity (even if painful) that my minute-to-minute experience offers me to become aware of the addictions I must reprogram to be liberated from my robot-like emotional patterns.” -Ken Keyes Jr. (The Fourth Pathway To A Higher Consciousness)
It’s official…I have been a robot lately. Addictively replaying crap in my head, obsessing, and “thinking” that somehow I can control my life through this process of divorce. When really, I am
‘trying’ to control others is so subtle now, becoming quite the skillful master…And then BAM, my heart (usually) prevails…
Oh yes…the pathway.
“You ‘could’ say it, Kathleen.”
Ugh, do I have to?
Ok then…since it’s a choice, I ‘suppose’ that I am willing.
Guess it won’t hurt.
Hmmm…EVEN IF PAINFUL? Seriously? SERIOUSLY?
“The way out is through the pain.”
I know, I know….but this hurts!
“Avoiding your painful trigger only leads to suffering. Do you want to suffer?”
“You have your answer.”
“As a rose can’t live
without the rain
So a heart can’t love
without the risk of pain.”
I lay there in our dining room floor as our son (who has a very SMART brain imbalance) mirrored my thoughts while shouting and screaming…
“YOU ARE A FAILURE!”
Over and over. (Talk about obsessive).
He was referring to how I don’t make pancakes as fluffy and yummy as his father (who was yet again…out of town). He’s missing dad, and the way things were…
All I heard though was failure, failure, failure reverberating through my head.
All I could “think” of was…”he’s right!”
The way out is through the pain. (Click to tweet) Welcome it. Let it move through you and blow IT all away, leaving you with the gift of freedom and the peace that’s HERE to claim.
My mind raced back to childhood until the present time. Family, friends, PEOPLE, and even Kirk and Kaden directly (but mostly, indirectly) telling me that…I AM NOT ENOUGH. And me, doing the same.
“Don’t you SEE, Kathleen, that they (and you) are hurting. Hurt people ‘try’ to hurt people. Remember, this is earth school. Don’t forget. Move through these lies that you tell yourself, create a bridge of compassion and forgiveness, and you will have the Love to give them. Only then will you receive the grace you so long for.”
SHUT UP! WHY ME? Why do I have to be the one to play nice? Can’t ANYONE look at themselves and take some f***ing responsibility?!?!
“Why not you? Did you come here to do the common and worldly dance or be the change you wish to SEE?”
My mental haze began to lift, and our seven-year-old approached me. We hugged and cried on and off for ONE more hour. He has never cried like that before. Neither had I. We let it all out. I encouraged him while I allowed myself to go there, too. To go to the most beautiful ugly cry, EVER.
We created a closeness that night that I didn’t know existed.
“The Light Of Love Is Always Stronger Than The Darkness Of Fear.”
With all my heart,