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He’s Just Not That Into You!

You know how the inner dialogue goes. I certainly do. My twenty-something years are full of journal entries scribbling it out. My ping-pong dialogue looked something like this, and I suspect yours sounds pretty dang similar:

He loves me. He must love me. I can tell he really loves me. But then why is he pulling away from me like I suddenly have the cooties? 

Is it because I came on too strong? Am I too much? Too intense? Too passionate? Too threatening? Too successful? 

Or am I not enough? Not pretty enough? Not smart enough? Not interesting enough? Not a good enough kisser? Not talented enough? Not funny enough? 

But I feel like he thinks I’m enough. I feel like he really loves me. So maybe that’s the problem. Maybe his feelings for me are so scary that he has to pull away. Maybe I’m his soulmate and he’s just not ready to meet his soulmate yet. 

Hmmm… what’s the truth? Is he truly, deeply, madly, intimately in love with me? 

Or is he really just not that into me?

The Yearning To Know The Truth

When we’re in a situation like this, we’re often driven to uncover the truth. Even if we can’t do anything to change the outcome, we want to soothe ourselves with the belief that we really are loved and cherished, even when all external evidence points to the contrary.

We tell ourselves, like rubbing balm on our hearts, that he or she really does love us, that we really are valuable, that we’re not making up what we came to feel and believe.

But what if the whole thing was really a figment of longing imagination, rather than a relationship grounded in honest communication and true feelings?

It Doesn’t Matter

When it gets right down to it, it doesn’t really matter whether he or she does or doesn’t.

Whether the object of our affection is madly in love and just scared to death, or whether he’s just not that into you only matters to your ego.

Your Inner Pilot Light doesn’t really care because that soul part of you knows you’re lovable and valuable, not because the object of your affection loves you, but  because you have a little spark of divinity in you, and that makes you inherently lovable and valuable. You don’t need anybody else’s validation to affirm this.

While it may soothe your ego to believe he or she really does love you, even though he or she walked away from the potential of the relationship you desired, the only thing that matters is whether you feel loved – and ultimately, whether that person behaved in a loving way.

Questions To Help You Know The Truth

While it doesn’t ultimately matter whether the object of your affection reciprocated your love, asking yourself a few questions can bring you peace by helping you discern the truth.

When you ask for what you need, does the object of your affection prioritize meeting your needs?

Is it always you doing the pursuing?

Is it always you making the sacrifices?

When you stop trying to make the relationship work, what happens?

Do you feel – really feel - loved?

What’s the gut instinct of the people who know you both and have seen you interact? (Beware of BFF’s. Bless their hearts, but they tend to always believe the love was really there just because they love you so much, they figure anyone who doesn’t would be a total fool. Seek guidance from those with less allegiance and fewer biases.)

Is there concrete evidence of love – loving actions, loving words, tender presence, genuine compassion?

When you’re feeling down, do you feel safe sharing your sadness with this person?

When you’re feeling on top of the world, will he or she be genuinely happy for you?

How do you feel in your body when you are with this person? Do you feel open or guarded? Warm or cool? Calm or jittery?

Can You Find Peace Without Knowing?

In the end, you probably won’t ever get a clear answer. You can play the “what if” game forever, or you can choose to find peace with the uncertainty, trusting that the outcome, even if it isn’t the one you desired, is in service to the highest good of all involved.

After all, if he or she desperately loves you but is too chicken shit to take the leap into that love, the relationship won’t be good for you. And if he or she just isn’t that into you, you deserve someone who is.

Let Go

Instead of grasping to the outcome you so desire, try instead, to set goals but release attachment to outcomes. Love with an open heart, acknowledge your desires and set your intentions to enter into a relationship with the object of your affection, pray that whatever is in the highest good be made manifest, and then let go.

Trust that if he doesn’t call you back, it’s for the good of your soul’s journey here on earth.

If she breaks up with you when you’re madly in love, trust that there’s someone else you’re supposed to meet.

If he leads you on then pushes you away, trust all will be as it’s meant to be.

And if one day, she runs back into your open arms, apologizes for being so scared of the depth of her feelings, and asks you to take her back, you can welcome her back in if you still desire her.

But don’t hold your breath.

If you love someone, let him go. And then get ready to love someone else all over again, making sure you’re brave enough to give him permission to break your heart.

Can you resist the temptation to ruminate about a relationship gone awry? Can you trust that whatever happens is for your highest good? Can you live and love and let go?

Share your story in the comments below.

Trying to love fearlessly,

Lissa

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Lissa Rankin, MD: Creator of the health and wellness communities LissaRankin.com and OwningPink.com, author of Mind Over Medicine: Scientific Proof You Can Heal Yourself (Hay House, 2013), TEDx speaker, and Health Care Evolutionary. Join her newsletter list for free guidance on healing yourself, and check her out on Twitter and Facebook.

  • Alyson

    Thank you.   This is so well written and has helped me.  So full of gems.  I never realized how much of my ego has been involved in my breakup.    

  • Christie

    Thank you so much for sharing those wise words. This was exactly what I needed to hear right now. I have a little more faith now…

  • crazy

    oh my! Can’t we get caught up in the “what if’s”?  I’ve learned recently to just let it all go. It’s so disempowering to place yourself in a position of making it so important for outside validation. And then you can get caught up in thinking someone is just so special or even that your feelings are stronger than they actually are. It truly becomes a game that tricks you into feeling triumphant when that person finally validates you. UGH! If it’s meant to be, and this is for any type of relationship, it will be, there will be no wondering involved. THANK YOU! Lovely post! <3

  • Lauren Mccomber

    Just like the person who commented below me, this is exactly what I needed to hear!

  • Tara

    I found the questions to ask yourself really helpful, having just parted from my love. It’s helping me get some clarity around what’s true (for me at least) and I’m very grateful for that right now. I’m glad I saw this today. :)

  • Spicedupak

    I’m trying but its soo hard!! But dis has opened my eyes more!

  • Motsilisi

    I love him, I really love. It doesn’t even matter if he really loves me. We were together, it was wonderful and then it was over. Painful but over. I wasn’t faithful. I even felt justified in being unfaithful. And now he’s gone. He refused to talk to me or even acknowledge me for the longest time.

    I know I love him, I also know that I made a mistake. And ‘forcing’myself on someone who doesn’t love me would be as good as shooting myself in the foot and blaming some else.

    I didn’t believe that someone could love me that much. I didn’t even think that it was possible or that I deserved it.

    I love him most because he brought this to light. It hurt, it really hurt but it’s really brought me to the knowledge that I am enough. I deserve love, to give it and receive it. To feel safe and happy. And my journey has been hard, but woth it.

    Thank you for the article, because it also highlighted that I had been holding on for too long. Hoping I could bring the love back. It will happen, I will receive love from my desired companion. For now I will love and laugh at me. Oh! My very strong and open heart, welcoming love in all directions.

  • auliagitaa

    thank you for this article. It saved me. It helped me.. a lot!

  • Amanda B

    Love this! Thank you for putting it into perspective. <3

  • Pat

    Thank you so much for sharing that priceless information.  I am struggling with finding love and knowing the genuine nature of this love.   Surprisingly enough, I am 66 years old and have been dating on line. I am a spiritual woman and open my heart to love.  I do not operate out of fear, and if I find that sneaking in , I quickly take inventory of my feelings and find out what is going on within me .
    I am continuously shocked at the “wounded” souls out there that want love and a relationship yet won’t let themselves deal with the past to move into the future.
    I will say that from time to time. …I find myself angry at the games and think why do I continue.  I get hurt at the dishonest way things are done and walk through it wondering why  I keep doing this and can my tender heart stay open and not jaded.
    I stay in the process of operating from love because I know there is someone looking for me that will be exactly who I am supposed to be with.
    I have my bad days but they don’t last long. Today is a good day.
    I was toyed with by yet another gentleman that  was well spoken, exchanged emails, phone calls and we were connecting for over a month.  I knew he was the one I was to connect with on a soul level and it would be my last love.  We had planned on meeting, he lives four hours away, and I was going to drive half way as was he.  He kept contacting me  less and less frequently as time went by saying he was working crazy hours…he is a truck driver….stocking up cash to retire next year….and then I get an email saying I deserve to know that he was “cut off” by his wife years ago, (now divorced) and several things I had said in an email caused him to think that I was celibate or not into an active sex life…and if I would like to meet and talk about it further we could.  I said by all means, yes, this is not email conversation.  He never contacted me again. I sent several emails  stating that nothing is more of a soul, spiritual connection than a healthy physical sex life to continue to bring two humans together and a face to face discussion was a must for this subject…not emails.   Well, it has been over a week and no more
    emails from him. Just dropped off the face of the earth. We had planned on getting together  this weekend.  It’s amazing how a connection can be made over words and voices. I am finding that I need to put more energy into generating Universal energy for a relationship and doing the footwork with the energy laced throughout my emails and communications.
    Thank you for letting me espouse my little incident and share the ever elusive search for love story.

  • Anita

    They say the universe sends you signals and this article did just that. My husband has choosen to end our marriage and I’m the one still in love with him. This article reinforced that I need to believe what is happening is happening for the highest good.

    • Tomgirl0923

      Anita,
      I am hoping this finds you weathering your situation and letting The Universe
      give you the love you so deserve.  I offer divine prayers for all the women on this
      planet that are seeking a partner and renewing their vows with themselves, learning to
      focus on championing themselves into the woman they always wanted to be when they were little girls. Be strong, independent and latch on to your girlfriends and if you don’t have any….seek some.
      Hugs dear lady.
      Pat

  • Lissa Rankin

    Thank you, dear ones. I’m so glad these words helped your find your truth while keeping your heart open.

    And thank you for reading- and caring- and continuing to give people permission to break your heart while protecting your own boundaries.

    With gratitude,
    Lissa

  • Renpic

    Whoa.  This really hit home for me!!  I thought I had this figured some of this stuff out when just ‘dating’ (eg: I would just not contact the person) but now I’m living with my partner and it’s a whole new level of these push/pull dynamics.  I’m not sure that I feel truly/consistently loved, but at this point I’ve also realized that ‘trying’ to figure him out or ‘trying’ make the relationship work are also futile. 

    Learning to live in this ‘maybe’ has taught me so much about myself.   No matter what the outcome, I feel myself becoming a stronger person and better partner.     

  • Marce

    Lisa, very good post and advice. I’m going through some ruff time right now. I wa seen someone that I thought he was ” the one” started very nice. He opened up within 2 weeks of relationship, talked about feelings and even the L word. I trusted him, lowered my guard and all of the sudden he pulled away, stating that he wasn’t ready to date, for a relationship or for any sort of commitmets. So, needless to say I am heart broken but… Life goes on. I am letting go. I just don’t understand why men play these mind games(a 50 year old men) if I must say. Maybe he just wasn’t into me:(

    • Pat

      Marce,
      That is my curiosity in all this as well….I spoke of my most recent connection, if you will, where he backed off when we spoke of meeting after emailing and phone conversations for a period of time.  Do they find someone else, fear of getting stuck if another one comes along, are they in a relationship and not being honest?  I have had all that and keep putting myself out there because I keep thinking I am just one more closer to the “right” one.  Sometimes I have to fake it and pretend I am over the hurt and then I find myself thinking back or hear a song and have to feel it for a minute then tell myself….you know Pat….you don’t deserve that….you deserve the best because you are a child of the Universe and nothing but the best will do.  Then I am able to finish the remainder of that thought and move on….and just continue until the next time.
      Men are strange creatures and I just hope they can mature some day and save another woman from the pain….but without the pain I wouldn’t be where I am right now.
      I saw a placque that said….One day someone is going to come along that is perfect for you and then you will know why it didn’t work out with anyone else”
      LOVE THAT….. I wish you the best♥♥♥ 

      • Msalaza

        Awww Pat, thank you so much for your reply :) I do believe that things happen for a reason. Although, it’s hard and the journey can be long we must believe that God and the universe will guide us and lead us to the one that is meant for us. Best of luck to you as well. :>

        • Karen

           Men will commit completely only when they feel a strong emotional bond (love) with a woman and for most men, that happens over time, though series of moments that make him feel good – men do not work on a timeline. 
          In the meantime, he will stay exclusive with a woman if she makes him consistently feel good (this doesn’t necessarily mean sex) but it does mean that she shows that he can make her happy and that she can also create her own happiness without him.  And this of course applies to emotionally mature men who are capable and ready for a relationship.  If they are not, you don’t want to be with them anyway. 
          If he doesn’t feel a strong attraction and desire to be with you, than he won’t be with you.  Men a pretty simple creatures.   This is nothing to take personally, it just means your guy is still looking for you so be thankful.
          Never have sex until you have a conversation where you both agree to be exclusive and don’t assume that he isn’t still dating other women if you have never asked him about it.  Until exclusivity is agreed upon, keep dating other men!  It leaves your energy open, confident and happy, not desperate and needy and keeps you from giving your heart completely to someone who has never asked you for it.
          Trust a man by his actions, not his words.   If he says I love you within the first 6 weeks of dating, be cautious.  If he says it 6 months into the relationship, believe him. 

  • Liz

    You are awesome and heaven sent with your message.  Your words always touch me; this is exactly what i needed to hear .. as i work on loving me, first.  

  • linz

    Good one, Lissa. I hope this article will help a lot of women especially because that ‘confusion’ is what we feel everytime a relationship brokes. It’s really important for us to trust that everything do happens for the best reason and not constantly blame ourselves or other people. Not always easy but do-able. Cheers!

  • Guest

    I actually asked myself some of those questions last week and then I decided to stop that strange relationship I was in. I feel so much better now. I feel in peace now, without those feelings of uncertainty. Being with someone and feeling alone is a lot worse than just being on your own. I’m glad I let him go. I’m just hoping I’ll be strong enough to open my heart again and give permission to someone else to break my heart again. I now I couldn’t handle that right now

  • Lissa Rankin

    So glad you all found this helpful!

    Yeah- I’m in the midst of navigating a tough friendship right now, and even rereading the questions related to that friendship helped me illuminate the truth about where that friendship stands and how I might best serve that sacred contract.

    May you all find your truth…with love
    Lissa

  • lovee

    im so over this but i cant hide the fact that i cant stop myself frm sending him msgs and wouldnt mind if hed reply or not. i know i did all the moves and hes just too proud about that. I even changed his name on my fon as “so over him” but still cant stop myself from keeping up. and I know one day hell invite me out again and for sure id go too… oh pls! when will i stop? :(

  • Ronda

    Thank you for this post, Lissa.  My mind and heart continue to be stuck on someone who is not available to me, so it helps to keep seeing reminders like this post and the comments that let me know that it all happens for a reason and something (someone!) great is on the horizon. :)

  • Moviegurl

    I was glad to find and read this article.

    Two months ago, my ex, who I dated for 6 months, told me he felt
    something was “missing.” He was hurt badly by an ex-wife who cheated
    several years ago and said he is scared of relationships. I think he
    bailed when our relationship was about to get more serious.

    This was a man who told me early on he didn’t believe in fate–except
    where I was concerned and that we were “made for each other.” He
    introduced me to his family, and I had dinner with them several times.
    We traveled to Europe together for a week earlier this year.

    Three weeks ago, he sent me a message saying he didn’t want to change
    anything about the breakup, but he felt bad about the situation and was
    sorry. I know he’s not seeing anyone.

    I kept him as a Facebook friend because his posts are lighthearted and
    fun. In the last couple of weeks, he either “likes” or comments on
    almost EVERYTHING I post on Facebook–more consistently than he does
    anyone on else’s wall and more than once a day. One of our mutual
    friends who has known him longer says he is scared and lonely and hiding
    behind the security of social media. I’ve pretty much been ignoring
    him.

    If I was the dumper, I’d move on and try to forget about the dumpee. Why does he do this? 

  • Lady

    This is the best most perfect advice ever. Thank you.