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How Do You Light Your Partner’s Fire?

by Dave Elliott on February 12, 2012

While talking with a client the other day, he was telling me of his experience back in the dating game again after a relatively recent divorce.

In explaining how he felt about a couple of the women he met, he said something that I thought was particularly profound and I want to especially share it with my feminine Readers. That’s because it is a crystal clear picture of the masculine mindset and how it processes information. Guys, stay with me…there’s definitely something in here for you, too.

What A Man Does

My client’s core energy is definitely masculine and I’ve seen that grow even stronger on the other side of his divorce. That’s because in addition to being a competitive athlete, he is also now even more powerfully driven to succeed in his career after seeing his financial condition suffer in the settlement. (When you combine these life conditions with his focus, determination, problem-solving capabilities and his new commitment to mission, it all adds up to a man at his best).

What A Man Needs

After dating a couple of new women, my client decided that none of them held his interest because given a choice of continuing his athletic performance training or spending time with them…he honestly preferred the training. That’s when he said it. “I feel like I’m this fire…and these women are just like water on my fire. What I really want is a woman who knows how to throw a little gasoline on the fire.” How’s that for an amazing visual? If that doesn’t tell you all you need to know about the masculine psyche – and any intimate relationship, for that matter – nothing will.

What Can We All Learn From This?

When it comes to relationships, people’s preferences are based on one thing and one thing only…how they want to feel. My client is loving the way he feels right now because he has rekindled the masculine fire that was burning within him. That fire started to go out after a long but not fully satisfying marriage. My client’s unconsciously brilliant fire analogy really comes down to one lesson whether you’re talking about a man’s needs – or those of a woman. What we all really want is someone who not only sees the best in our fire…but also comes along and stokes it even higher. Specifically, my client was saying that the women he was meeting were feeling more like an obligation – instead of the celebration he really wanted.

Moving Forward

So, my friends, I leave you with a new, compelling question to ponder. How will you stoke your partner’s fire and take it to a whole new level? When you answer that question, you will find a passion that continues to burn with the kind of intensity that not only generates heat, but light, also.

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Dave is A Peak Performance Coach & Business Consultant. Check out his site here.

  • Sassy

    Interesting comment, but as people we are not responsible for how others feel, nor are they for how we feel. This was like you blaming this women when maybe he should not be dating. The best we can do is show up, and be present and open. Maybe he is not doing that.

    I am working on this and I realize I am meeting some nice men who I am not giving a chance to, and then blaming them. How am I showing up? That is all I can control…

    • BG

      Hi Sassy – I understand what you are saying about not being responsible for other people’s feelings.  That said, I believe that we are all responsible for choosing a relationship that brings out our best and one in which we can bring out the best in our partner.  I disagree that Dave was “blaming” the women of Client X, I think he was using the situation to point out that people in successful relationships celebrate each other.  

      • anon

         I agree that when we ‘show up’ and act authentically, we allow others to know us and rather than adapting ourselves to ‘sell’ to that person’s wants or needs, we can only truly love ourselves when we ARE being ourselves. The next step is to only accept a relationship with someone who allows us to continue doing this for ourselves but who also brings something to the relationship (otherwise, what are you having a relationship for exactly?) and it’s worth choosing a relationship where the chemistry is natural and energising and not settling for spending too much time in the company of someone who dampens you, reduces your energy levels in some way, restricts your authentic self from full expression or makes you feel like you have to give up something in your life to replace it with the relationship. I guess the right relationship may include giving up something, but the point is it will not FEEL like you are giving up something like the client’s training time in this example. It will feel like you are gaining something. I think it’s rare and very special when you find someone who naturally being themselves, brings out the best in you. In a culture where coupling up is almost a cornerstone to our lifestyle, we can feel pressurised to be with someone. Even if that person is not the best long term match for us. Learning this and reading this makes me understand why I am single and why I didn’t ‘fail’ at relationships, I was just not ready (not authentic enough) and hadn’t met the person who would match me long term, since I had put too much premise on the attraction process, which I had a knack for. I’m still not ready for the man of my dreams to arrive… but I feel like I am starting to understand why I’m not and also what I must do to prepare myself for a relationship, assuming that I meet the right man one day. It’s making me less about Mr Right Now (hoping he miraculously turns into Mr Right in time) and more about learning when to choose Mr Right. That has got to be at a time when I am happy with who I am since my Mr Right will be attracted to me and mirror me. I think I am in no rush, because I know that when the time is right and when I am ready, the universe will match make me with someone just right for me. I wish you both love.

        • CoachDave

          Anon, thank you for your note. You said a lot of great things here that I absolutely agree with 100%. Since you now understand it even better, I’d like to challenge you to make it a little less “rare and very special” by being someone who can naturally be their self WHILE bringing out the best in others. I believe you can do that…and I also believe that it will make you EVEN MORE attractive to any man whether they’re Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now. 

          Also, I have one last question. What would have to happen for you to be happy with who you are and ready for the uni-verse to bring you your right and perfect match? Is it possible that you ARE already ready? If you’d like to respond, feel free to reach out. Sending you best wishes always!

      • CoachDave

        BG, thank you very much for your response. I appreciate that you “had my back” and understood my intent. As you’ll see from my own response to Sassy, I just try to help people understand one another better so they can avoid making other people wrong. Thanks for reading TDL and I appreciate your comments!

    • CoachDave

      Sassy, thanks for your comment. I absolutely agree with you – we are not responsible for how others feel and  we are responsible for how we show up in dating.

      Allow me to point out that I never used the word “blame”…nor would I. I simply don’t believe anyone was to blame here. In fact, I met the woman he dated and I liked her very much. My client liked her, too and they have remained friendly. They just didn’t “click.” That’s why it’s called “chemistry.” He has since met someone else and they have “clicked” so it’s not fair to say he shouldn’t have been dating either.

      My goal in the column was to hopefully shed some light on the masculine mindset regarding how they make decisions versus the feminine. Perhaps you were bothered by the fact that it seemed to be a somewhat unemotional assessment of his date – and that was exactly my point. Masculine energy is about solving problems and fixing things. They frequently distance themselves from emotional assessments because it just clouds the issue and makes it harder to solve. The gift and the beauty of the feminine is to access emotions and use them in decision-making. Neither strategy is wrong. They’re just different. That’s why I try to teach these things – so people will understand why others do what they do – and maybe even stop judging one another so harshly.

      As for you, I’m glad you recognize that perhaps you haven’t been giving the nice men you’re meeting a chance…and you’re asking a good question. That’s the start of coming up with a good answer. Sometimes we have our minds so set on what we want in a partner, we judge a little too quickly and harshly. Although it’s fair to say that maybe you didn’t “click” with them either. Either way, I believe that when we start to understand one another and focus on what we like, rather than what we don’t…you just may be surprised what you discover. I wish you well in your future dating and hope you find the perfect love for you.

  • Guest

    I’m out there in the dating world and I don’t really find this helpful at all.

    • CoachDave

      Dear Guest, even though you didn’t find this helpful, I appreciate the feedback. I wrote the column to help people begin to understand how the opposite sex thinks and makes decisions. I try to help people appreciate their differences without blaming, judging or trying to make other people wrong. Lastly, I also want to help people respect the viewpoints of others while withholding judgment long enough to see what’s great in the person sitting across from you in that restaurant. If that doesn’t help you as you go out dating and getting to know people, I’ll just wish you good luck…because you may need it. Sending my best anyway.

  • http://twitter.com/PurpleQueenNL Miranda kate

    Love this – thanks for the lesson! It is indeed, clear as crystal – and time we all acted instead of waited…

    • CoachDave

      Thanks, Miranda – and you’re very welcome! I’m glad you found it helpful. 

  • Lisa

    This is spot on!

    • CoachDave

      Thank you, Lisa! I’m glad it resonated with you…and I appreciate the feedback.

  • Jacqueline

    I think all he’ is saying is: it doesn’t matter how you look or what you do for living but how you make someone feel. Sport makes this man feel good but the women he met didn’t, or just not as good as the physical workout. This is not a judgement of the women he met, he probably just has not found the right one yet.  So just be you and if that makes the guy feel good than BINGO, if not, then no one has lost anything. It was just the wrong fit. There will be the one lady that is her natural self and will start kick that fire… without even trying or knowing…

    • CoachDave

      You got it, Jacqueline. There’s no one to blame…I just think when you understand how people are wired to make decisions, you can respond intelligently and be more “yourself” – with confidence.

  • merr

    I agree, lighting that fire is a wonderful way to get a relationship going. As a single 40 something woman, I too want to be stimulated, and I get it. Life is much better when there is passion and figuring out how to stimulate my man is fun.

    • CoachDave

      That’s right, Merr! Everyone deserves to have passion in their life! Thanks for your comment.