How to break free from arguments that go nowhere.

The holiday season is upon us. And that means more time with family. And perhaps, as a result, more arguments.

I love to say that if you want to see how much you’ve really grown spend some time with your family at the holidays (kidding, but only a little)…

Do you ever have the same argument over and over again? Do you ever feel like you are running on a treadmill or that you aren’t making any progress in a certain relationship because you can’t seem to break free from the same old argument?

What if there was a reason why you haven’t been able to move forward and it’s easy to identify?

When you are in the blame cycle in any argument, you will continue to have the same old fight.

But, you see, blame keeps you stuck. Blame keeps the status quo alive.

Could it be that you are holding back living your purpose, finding what makes you truly happy and hiding from your dream life because you are afraid to end the cycle of blame?

You’ll be shocked how sneaky the energy of blame is, and how you can fall into this cycle without even knowing it. And when you realize that you are in the blame cycle, you can take your power back.

There is a huge difference between recognizing there is a behaviour that needs to change and loading up on a big ol’ serving of blame pie.

Ending the blame cycle in your tense relationships will create more freedom, more love and a deeper sense of purpose in your life.

And, it will mean that you must start to look at your side and focus on cleaning up your side of the street, taking ownership of your part and creating healthy boundaries.

Here’s your assignment for the week: after you’ve watched this week’s episode of Claim Your Power TV, leave a comment below and let me know how you intend to end the cycle of blame, stop having the same ol’ argument and take your power back.

Specifically, three questions:

1. What is your part in it?
2. What healthy boundary are you going to set now?
3. Who do you need to forgive (including yourself)?

Sound good?

Let’s have a blame-free Holiday season and get back to the love, because that’s what matters most.

Lots of love from Bali,

Mastin

P.S. Are you a centered heart business owner or spiritual teacher? Do you dream of inspiring people and helping them with your message or healing modality? Do you want to create a heart-centered business that is simple, effective and gives you more than enough time to have a life that you love and serve? I’ve got you covered. Apply for my annual Wealthy Healer Retreat. It’s a powerful seven-day retreat this April in Maui where I roll back the curtain on my heart centered spiritual business and show you how it’s done. This training has created some powerful results for clients, some of whom have built six and almost seven figure businesses, all while making a massive impact.

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[Begin transcript]

Hello and welcome to Claim Your Power TV! I’m your host Mastin Kipp, where each week I guide you to live your purpose with passion! Question for you: Do you ever have the same argument over and over and over and over again and it never goes anywhere? It could be with you mom, your dad, your significant other, your cousin, your friend, your boss, whatever it might be. Have you ever had the same argument over and over and over again? You say this and then they say this and then they say this, you end up in a fight and nothing changes. Have you ever done that?

I know that I have. And doing that drove me to ask the question, why? Why do I seem to have the same argument every single time and nothing changes? And given that it’s the holiday season, this conversation is up right now. I know it was just Thanksgiving, the holidays are coming, Christmas and Hanukkah and Kwanzaa, etc. and this is a time where we’re connecting back with family and those wounds might come back up, or there is stress around the holidays as well.

So the question is why do you think we have arguments that don’t go anywhere?

There’s an incredible book I suggest you read called The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner, and it Lerner tells us that we have arguments that don’t go anywhere because it keeps the status quo the same. What this means is change is scary and becoming yourself is scary. So instead of taking personal responsibility for our lives and for our choices and for our actions, what we do is we blame and criticize other people and they blame and criticize us and nothing changes. Surprise, nothing changes. We’re nice and safe.

So what this means is it’s time to take personal responsibility and individuate and claim how you truly feel.

And Lerner has this great model where she talks about when you start to individuate away from your mom or away from your partner… And individuation doesn’t mean you break up; it just means you’re getting in touch with what you really need. When you start to say what you really need, that could make your family angry, it could make your partner angry, it could make your boss angry, it could make your friend angry because we’re growing. We’re always growing.

So here’s what we’re afraid of: I’m afraid that if I actually state what I need that the other person will do what Lerner calls a countermove. So what this means is let’s say I’m in a relationship with a parent and I say, “When you tell me how to raise my child, I don’t feel like a real parent and I would appreciate it if you only gave me advice when I ask for it.” Well I’m afraid that if I say something like that, that the parent is going to guilt-trip me. And that’s what Lerner calls a countermove.

And so what we have to learn how to do is to anticipate countermoves – they’re going to happen – as you claim your power and as you stand in your power. Those around you that are threatened by that will countermove you with guilt and shame and threats of leaving the relationship. And our goal, Lerner reminds us, is not to stop the countermove. Our goal is not to stop the countermove, but to let it happen. And that can be terrifying because that could radically shift our relationships and our certainty and our survival. But the reality is you will continue to have arguments that go nowhere. The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner is where this word comes from.

So what we have to do is, from a mature place, from a  place of personal responsibility say, “This is how I’m feeling, and not that you make me feel this way, but when you do this, this is how I feel and this is how I would like it to be.” And state it from a  calm and mature place. Reiterate it. Don’t slip back into blame because one of those countermoves is for people to pull you back into the argument because when you get pulled back into the argument, it’s that old, familiar, same argument and guess what, you go no where.

This is time to believe in yourself. This is time to believe in your Higher Power. This is time to claim your power back and stay in your lane.

Talk about how you feel, talk about what you need and really stay firm in that. And if the other person isn’t willing to grow with you, then it’s time for the relationship to either be put on pause or to be ended. And that can be a scary thing, but I promise you, the universe hates vacuums. So when you create a vacuum in your life, it fills it up with newness. So can you have the courage to stay in your lane?

And what’s interesting is that when you stay in your lane and you don’t fight back and you don’t give that same energy back to the same old argument, just shifting your energy can be enough to shift the whole dynamic. And either the other person will shift energetically or the relationship will shift and dissolve. Either way, you get closer to truth and as Oprah says, “Truth and what’s sacred are the same thing.” So if you want to invoke truth and the sacred in your life, let’s stop having conversations and arguments that don’t go anywhere that lead to that same, stressful result and let’s start to talk about our experience.

“I’m taking responsibility for this and I do feel this way and when you do this, this is how I feel and I want to shift that. And to shift that, I’m going to do x, y and z.” If you want to go deeper on this topic you can certainly get the book The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. I’ve mentioned it three times now. It’s an incredible book.

But the core here is it’s time to end arguments that don’t go anywhere and individuate so that you can live your purpose and truly be free.

So you might be watching this video over on YouTube or over on Facebook. I invite you to come on over to TheDailyLove.com and below this video leave a comment and let me know how are you going to stop having arguments that don’t go anywhere? Take personal responsibility, end the cycle of blame and individuate into who you’re meant to be. Your anger has a purpose. Your anger is a wake-up call to take personal responsibility and to make new choices and to not stop the countermoves of other people. You can’t control them. You don’t want to try and control them. Let them make their countermoves and you’re either going to grow together or you’re going to grow apart, but you’re going to come closer to truth and closer to what’s sacred in your life.

Also, please remember to subscribe to us on YouTube so that you can get immediate updates when we publish new coaching videos. And please feel free to head on over again to TheDailyLove.com and enter your name and email address so that I can send you updates that only come through email. My biggest wish and greatest hope for you here at Claim Your Power TV is that you get out there, take action and make it real. Happy Holidays!

[End transcript]

  • +Mastin Kipp I’ve done this that you’ve mentioned so many times, and I just had a successful conversation; all the dynamic changes. Just surrender, and don’t let your Ego caught you.

    Excellent topic, as always.

  • Great post, Mastin! We people are often so caught up in our own agenda we forget that we are dealing with another person calling out for love and understanding too! Glad you covered the topic so well! Happy holidays!

    • Yes, Jodi, well put! Happy holidays to you too! ~Team Mastin

  • LeShawnda Fitzgerald

    Thank you for this post. I am involved in a relationship and we have had the same ongoing relationship for 6 years. It is draining. I made a decision earlier this year that I am ready to change. I don’t know exactly how our relationship will evolve, but I do know that I will no longer participate in the blame, the angry, the arguing. My focus right now is to accept responsibility and focus on healing myself. I know that once my energy changes eventually this ongoing big argument won’t be quite so big. 🙂

    • Yes, that’s it, LeShawnda! You can do it! ~Team Mastin

  • Barbara J

    Great, Mastin… This is really helpful. We all need to be willing to feel the evolutionary discomfort of when we change and let go of our egoic protections. I believe the only way we will create Global Peace is one heart at a time… Starting with our own. Please will you also share this petition with your tribe? Peace in every heart = Global Peace https://secure.avaaz.org/en/petition/The_Whole_of_Humanity_Forgive_Everyone_You_Need_To_Peace_on_Earth/?nlifcab

    • Thanks, Barbara! One heart at a time is a wonderful way to put it! ~Team Mastin

  • JTC

    Mastin, thank you as always. This is so spot on. I started to individuate years ago after getting sober and my mother could not handle it. I had never told her “no” in 31 years because I had never become my own man and she spun out when I started to individuate…sending me shaming emails, ganging up family members on me, etc. It unfortunately took me a while to realize it was best for me to not address her “counter moves”. I desperately wanted her understanding. I had to get into Al Anon to figure it all out. I still have a relationship with her but it changed a lot in healthy ways for me. I had to take a pause in my relationship for 6 months to get the healing I needed and have the strength to move on while being true to myself. Thanks so much for this video. I am trying to practice sticking to my feelings and my needs with my wife these days. She does not always love it, but I know it is growth and there is no turning back for me. Thanks again

    • Awesome to hear, JTC! Keep staying strong and being true to you! ~Team Mastin

  • Purna

    Great video! I’ve been struggling with my mother my whole life. I’ve tried this method many times and she continues with her behavior…does this mean I should end my relationship with her? I’ve been on the brink of it for a few years now.

    • Hi Purna! Sorry to hear about the tough relationship you’re having with your mother. Be sure you’re being true to yourself and tell her what you are feeling and what you need, all in a mature and calm manner. Let her say her piece and go from there. Only you will be able to know if it’s time to give yourself some space from the relationship. And you might want to check out the book Mastin referenced in the video as it could really offer you some good insights: http://www.amazon.com/Dance-Anger-Changing-Patterns-Relationships/dp/0062319043. Sending much encouragement your way! ~Team Mastin

      • Purna

        Absolutely, I have been for the past few years. I decided that two mature adults can’t make a relationship work if only one is willing to discuss the issues at hand. I’ll definitely take a look at the book, thanks.

  • Carol

    Just had this experience recently. The relationship is now in a “pause” mode. This message was just what I needed. Thank you.

    • Really glad this resonated with you, Carol! Much love! ~Team Mastin

  • Gina

    Happy holidays Mastin!!! ~ I will for sure get the book: ‘ The Dance of Anger ‘ . I have been having the same old argument with my family for over 20 years. It really needs to shift by us growing together or growing apart. I really don’t want to grow apart and our relationship has been put on ‘ pause ‘ many times. Things is, it’s been put there without purpose just hoping I guess, that time will dissolve hurts and old pains. Over 20 years later, and it still remains sadly. Thank you for sharing this wisdom and for the courage of following your ‘ TRUTH ‘. By doing this, you are inspiring no only me, but millions of others who desire to grow and live on purpose. Much love to you and your family.

    • Hi Gina! Thank you for the kind words for Mastin! We are hoping that by using the wisdom Mastin shared in the video, along with the tools from the book that you will be able to put your true self and feelings and needs out there and that your family will be able to finally move on and begin to grow again. Lots of encouragement to you! ~Team Mastin

  • Lisa

    I want to end the anger argument, but can’t!! It’s been almost 3 years since I discovered my husbands addiction to adderall, alcohol and gay sex with Craigslist strangers. The “how could you” argument still comes up, without any resolution. On many days I feel like I have forgiven him, but out of nowhere, its back again and so is the anger. Any more advice??? BTW… Love love love your book & you tube channel.

  • robin maharay

    This couldn’t have come at a better time! My ex and I are doing the dance of trying reignite our relationship, and through this “pause” time, I have been able to witness a lot of co-dependency tendencies and fearful actions/thoughts within myself that have surfaced from being with my boyfriend. It’s been an amazing awakening, but as we try to come back together- I feel those tendencies coming back as well. This video has helped me see that I need to be honest with myself and truthful whenever I can. I find it hard to be truthful with him right now, for the fear of pushing him away again. By me holding in my true feelings or needs, then I get resentful and the anger/hurt comes out in a different way and sometimes not even related to the real issue! The tricks our egos play. Thank you for helping me realize that I need to own what I need and express it proudly. Much love!

    • Hi Robin! We are truly happy that you have come to realize this and we’re sending you strength to be true to you and what you really need! The relationship with either grow and evolve because of it, or it will end – but you will be okay regardless because you are being you! ~Team Mastin

  • Karina Lopez

    Happy Holidays, Daily Love Team! I see that I engage in a dance of (passive) anger with my mother, and that it’s time for me to (with love) let her know how I feel, what I’m doing, and what I need. I’m a chronic people pleaser, but I’ve been on the personal growth journey in earnest for a while, and I understand now that I’m the one who needs to establish a boundary. The concrete steps Mastin outlined are great, and I’ll definitely add The Dance of Anger to my book list. Thanks once again, and much love to all!

    • It’s really great to hear this, Karina! We love that you’re focusing on yourself and are ready to have this talk with your mother. Sending much love! ~Team Mastin

  • Crystal Reimer

    Hello! I was reluctant to hear this, thinking this is not any way applicable to the things I’ve unsuccessfully oppressed. And WHAM-O! What resonated deeply with me is the counter move that always brings my walls up in relationships. My relationship with everyone has changed with since losing my mom over a year ago. In the process of talking about her I began feeling more and more vulnerable with almost all my relations, sans one. So, now I know why I’m always judging myself before I share with him. I sense the counter before I speak to him. And I feel less loving too. Thank you for the insight and perspective, Just what i needed for the week ahead.

    • Hi Crystal! We are so happy that you decided to watch this post and that it had this impact on you. We’re wishing you the best in using these tips when heading into the holiday week! Sending much love! ~Team Mastin

  • Svetlana

    Hi guys!!! I just sent in my application but still trying to figure out the cost of the retreat, I cant find information on it anywhere, can you email me the info on the pricing please?
    Thank you,
    Svetlana

  • Ahmad

    That’s very helpful and informative, thank you,

    http://goo.gl/XdcxWx

  • Amy Rengo

    I just heard about this site through the Super Soul Sunday episode and your video was incredible helpful. I finally learned to stay in my lane and accept countermoves which resulted in both my mother and sisters not talking to me. My mother and two sisters suffer from different mental illness and I was the one that was there to help with what they needed. However, nothing changed with their behavior which resulted in their experiencing the same problems over and over again. Not being true to myself resulted in me becoming very ill. Your video really helped me to see that this is what needed to happen for me to have a happy and balanced life. I do feel very sad and guilty that the family I love so much causes me so much pain and I and my family aren’t in their life. But understanding that it’s not my fault is so helpful. I also believe that not having relationships with them will help them to grow and become healthy. Even though I’m still battling with healing from Lyme Disease, my life is so peaceful and drama free. Thank you.

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  • I love the idea of individuation as a means to create clearer boundaries, but not necessarily break away from the relationship! Thanks for the insight! xo