The holiday season is upon us. And that means more time with family. And perhaps, as a result, more arguments.
I love to say that if you want to see how much you’ve really grown spend some time with your family at the holidays (kidding, but only a little)…
Do you ever have the same argument over and over again? Do you ever feel like you are running on a treadmill or that you aren’t making any progress in a certain relationship because you can’t seem to break free from the same old argument?
What if there was a reason why you haven’t been able to move forward and it’s easy to identify?
When you are in the blame cycle in any argument, you will continue to have the same old fight.
But, you see, blame keeps you stuck. Blame keeps the status quo alive.
Could it be that you are holding back living your purpose, finding what makes you truly happy and hiding from your dream life because you are afraid to end the cycle of blame?
You’ll be shocked how sneaky the energy of blame is, and how you can fall into this cycle without even knowing it. And when you realize that you are in the blame cycle, you can take your power back.
There is a huge difference between recognizing there is a behaviour that needs to change and loading up on a big ol’ serving of blame pie.
Ending the blame cycle in your tense relationships will create more freedom, more love and a deeper sense of purpose in your life.
And, it will mean that you must start to look at your side and focus on cleaning up your side of the street, taking ownership of your part and creating healthy boundaries.
Here’s your assignment for the week: after you’ve watched this week’s episode of Claim Your Power TV, leave a comment below and let me know how you intend to end the cycle of blame, stop having the same ol’ argument and take your power back.
Specifically, three questions:
1. What is your part in it?
2. What healthy boundary are you going to set now?
3. Who do you need to forgive (including yourself)?
Let’s have a blame-free Holiday season and get back to the love, because that’s what matters most.
Lots of love from Bali,
P.S. Are you a centered heart business owner or spiritual teacher? Do you dream of inspiring people and helping them with your message or healing modality? Do you want to create a heart-centered business that is simple, effective and gives you more than enough time to have a life that you love and serve? I’ve got you covered. Apply for my annual Wealthy Healer Retreat. It’s a powerful seven-day retreat this April in Maui where I roll back the curtain on my heart centered spiritual business and show you how it’s done. This training has created some powerful results for clients, some of whom have built six and almost seven figure businesses, all while making a massive impact.
Space is limited, and this retreat always fills up.
Who are you to teach others? Who are you not to. You’ve been walking on a path for a while now, and we need your voice. Let me teach you how to get it out there in a bigger way, and in a way where you are compensated abundantly for your service. Don’t wait. Apply now.
If you can’t make this one, send this blog to someone who can. You never know how you can change someone’s life.
Hello and welcome to Claim Your Power TV! I’m your host Mastin Kipp, where each week I guide you to live your purpose with passion! Question for you: Do you ever have the same argument over and over and over and over again and it never goes anywhere? It could be with you mom, your dad, your significant other, your cousin, your friend, your boss, whatever it might be. Have you ever had the same argument over and over and over again? You say this and then they say this and then they say this, you end up in a fight and nothing changes. Have you ever done that?
I know that I have. And doing that drove me to ask the question, why? Why do I seem to have the same argument every single time and nothing changes? And given that it’s the holiday season, this conversation is up right now. I know it was just Thanksgiving, the holidays are coming, Christmas and Hanukkah and Kwanzaa, etc. and this is a time where we’re connecting back with family and those wounds might come back up, or there is stress around the holidays as well.
So the question is why do you think we have arguments that don’t go anywhere?
There’s an incredible book I suggest you read called The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner, and it Lerner tells us that we have arguments that don’t go anywhere because it keeps the status quo the same. What this means is change is scary and becoming yourself is scary. So instead of taking personal responsibility for our lives and for our choices and for our actions, what we do is we blame and criticize other people and they blame and criticize us and nothing changes. Surprise, nothing changes. We’re nice and safe.
So what this means is it’s time to take personal responsibility and individuate and claim how you truly feel.
And Lerner has this great model where she talks about when you start to individuate away from your mom or away from your partner… And individuation doesn’t mean you break up; it just means you’re getting in touch with what you really need. When you start to say what you really need, that could make your family angry, it could make your partner angry, it could make your boss angry, it could make your friend angry because we’re growing. We’re always growing.
So here’s what we’re afraid of: I’m afraid that if I actually state what I need that the other person will do what Lerner calls a countermove. So what this means is let’s say I’m in a relationship with a parent and I say, “When you tell me how to raise my child, I don’t feel like a real parent and I would appreciate it if you only gave me advice when I ask for it.” Well I’m afraid that if I say something like that, that the parent is going to guilt-trip me. And that’s what Lerner calls a countermove.
And so what we have to learn how to do is to anticipate countermoves – they’re going to happen – as you claim your power and as you stand in your power. Those around you that are threatened by that will countermove you with guilt and shame and threats of leaving the relationship. And our goal, Lerner reminds us, is not to stop the countermove. Our goal is not to stop the countermove, but to let it happen. And that can be terrifying because that could radically shift our relationships and our certainty and our survival. But the reality is you will continue to have arguments that go nowhere. The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner is where this word comes from.
So what we have to do is, from a mature place, from a place of personal responsibility say, “This is how I’m feeling, and not that you make me feel this way, but when you do this, this is how I feel and this is how I would like it to be.” And state it from a calm and mature place. Reiterate it. Don’t slip back into blame because one of those countermoves is for people to pull you back into the argument because when you get pulled back into the argument, it’s that old, familiar, same argument and guess what, you go no where.
This is time to believe in yourself. This is time to believe in your Higher Power. This is time to claim your power back and stay in your lane.
Talk about how you feel, talk about what you need and really stay firm in that. And if the other person isn’t willing to grow with you, then it’s time for the relationship to either be put on pause or to be ended. And that can be a scary thing, but I promise you, the universe hates vacuums. So when you create a vacuum in your life, it fills it up with newness. So can you have the courage to stay in your lane?
And what’s interesting is that when you stay in your lane and you don’t fight back and you don’t give that same energy back to the same old argument, just shifting your energy can be enough to shift the whole dynamic. And either the other person will shift energetically or the relationship will shift and dissolve. Either way, you get closer to truth and as Oprah says, “Truth and what’s sacred are the same thing.” So if you want to invoke truth and the sacred in your life, let’s stop having conversations and arguments that don’t go anywhere that lead to that same, stressful result and let’s start to talk about our experience.
“I’m taking responsibility for this and I do feel this way and when you do this, this is how I feel and I want to shift that. And to shift that, I’m going to do x, y and z.” If you want to go deeper on this topic you can certainly get the book The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. I’ve mentioned it three times now. It’s an incredible book.
But the core here is it’s time to end arguments that don’t go anywhere and individuate so that you can live your purpose and truly be free.
So you might be watching this video over on YouTube or over on Facebook. I invite you to come on over to TheDailyLove.com and below this video leave a comment and let me know how are you going to stop having arguments that don’t go anywhere? Take personal responsibility, end the cycle of blame and individuate into who you’re meant to be. Your anger has a purpose. Your anger is a wake-up call to take personal responsibility and to make new choices and to not stop the countermoves of other people. You can’t control them. You don’t want to try and control them. Let them make their countermoves and you’re either going to grow together or you’re going to grow apart, but you’re going to come closer to truth and closer to what’s sacred in your life.
Also, please remember to subscribe to us on YouTube so that you can get immediate updates when we publish new coaching videos. And please feel free to head on over again to TheDailyLove.com and enter your name and email address so that I can send you updates that only come through email. My biggest wish and greatest hope for you here at Claim Your Power TV is that you get out there, take action and make it real. Happy Holidays!