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How to create PASSION & INTIMACY!

To download the audio to today’s blog, click here.

I was talking with a friend of mine the other day and he is dating a new girl. He said it was fun, but it was starting to lack passion. And that made me think. Sometimes, you know people are just not compatible, but sometimes it’s something else.

In my own relationship with Jenna, I’ve learned that passion is earned. It’s not just given. Because you can’t fake passion. You can’t MAKE yourself BE passionate because passion is something that YOU ARE. You can’t fake it. You can try, but at the end of the day, you and your partner will be able to FEEL the inauthenticity of you trying to fake passion.

So, how does one CREATE passion in a relationship?

Well, Jenna and I have come to see that by through going through the dark times, the triggers and the tough times in a relationship – it is by weathering those storms that passion is earned and revealed. But not just passion – INTIMACY.

You see, intimacy and passion come from truth telling. In a loving relationship if you aren’t telling the truth, your relationship is slowly dying. Passion – true passion, IN LOVE passion, comes like the dawn – after the darkest moments. Like the calm waters after a storm.

Passion isn’t something you can just EXPECT to happen; it is EARNED through trial and error. And if you REALLY love someone, by NOT LEAVING when it gets hard, but by staying – working THROUGH the problem and getting to the other side – that’s how you create passion.

In my own relationship with Jenna, we have moments like this. Triggers happen. Disagreements happen. And it’s on the other side of those moments where we have both been able to be ourselves – even if we’re mad, frustrated or sad, and come out the other side. When someone loves you after you’ve shown them that side of you, passion comes, intimacy comes, LOVE blossoms even more.

If you are in a relationship and you two love each other but passion is missing, intimacy is missing – consider you both may not be telling the truth. And don’t make the other person small by assuming they can’t handle what’s going on for you. This is real LOVE.

This is how Jenna and I create an AMAZING passion-filled relationship!

Now, one caveat. When you express “your truth” – this is not a hall pass to justify being a jerk. You have to take responsibility for your side of the track. But if you want PASSION, you earn it through truth telling.

How does this apply to YOUR life? Leave a comment below and let’s discuss! The TDL Community and I will hit you back, so join in the conversation! It’s how TDL comes ALIVE!

Love,

Mastin

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Mastin Kipp is the CEO and Founder of The Daily Love. Follow him on Twitter here.

Take what resonates with you in this blog and leave the rest.

If you are ready to kick fear in the butt (lovingly, of course)  – join me September 24 – 28 for my latest virtual course Love Uni-versity: Discover the Wisdom of your FearClick here to check it out!

It’s a RAD 5 Day immersion class to turn your fear into power! AND – if you are in LA and want to join me for super private Group Mentoring LIVE in Hollywood! Click here  to join me LIVE in LA!

  • http://dyannebrown.com/ dyannebrown

    Another great post, Mastin. As always, you seem to speak to what I am going through at the moment. You’ve reminded me that the reward for going through the tough times is passion and intimacy. The people that walk away when you need them have proven that they don’t deserve that intimacy. Everyone can love you when it’s easy. It’s the people that show you how much you matter by sticking it out through the difficult times that deserve all the praise. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/mastinkipp Mastin Kipp

      thank you Dyanne!! Did you check out the audio recording?

  • Dave Tran

    Definitely resonated with me this morning as I am in a new relationship. Keep up with the daily download. I’m an auditory learning so this is perfect!

    • http://www.facebook.com/mastinkipp Mastin Kipp

      Awesome Dave and stoked you like the audio!

  • http://twitter.com/myhealthydoctor Felipe Garcia Jr. MD

    Great blog Mastin. As I often read your blogs, it’s exactly what I am going through. Just went through a break up. I am still very much in love, yet I have run out of tolerance for what appears to be habitual “partial truths” by my loved one. She gets found out through a third party and I then negotiate a solution. It repeats itself over and over. It’s been 3 weeks and I want to reach out, but fear rejection although I know I must if she is to know about how I feel. Both of us are spiritual beings, and I have worked very hard, through 12 steps and many other formats to get to where I am. 
    How can I relay this to her without creating this fear of rejection.

  • http://twitter.com/myhealthydoctor Felipe Garcia Jr. MD

    Great blog Mastin. As I often read your blogs, it’s exactly what I am going through. Just went through a break up. I am still very much in love, yet I have run out of tolerance for what appears to be habitual “partial truths” by my loved one. She gets found out through a third party and I then negotiate a solution. It repeats itself over and over. It’s been 3 weeks and I want to reach out, but fear rejection although I know I must if she is to know about how I feel. Both of us are spiritual beings, and I have worked very hard, through 12 steps and many other formats to get to where I am. How can I relay this to her without creating this fear of rejection

    • http://www.facebook.com/mastinkipp Mastin Kipp

      know that fear will be there, but you gotta do it anyway!

  • Greentechlawyer

    While all of your posts are on point and incredible, this post touched me deeply.  I was married for almost 12 years and always said that the relationship lacked passion and that it may have been my partner that was the problem.  However, it was not her at all, but the fact that neither of us could tell the truth to each other.  What we liked, what moved us, what turned us on…none of those issues were really ever worked on or spoken of.   In my post-divorce life, I have and will continue to articulate my truths and reality and work with any new relationship that I am blessed to experience. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/mastinkipp Mastin Kipp

      so great! It’s scary but WORTH it!

    • Sjostromkriss

      The lack of truth between my husband and I is the root of my sadness. I’m grateful for the post on Passion and Intimacy, as I never connected telling the truth to enhancing the intimacy between us.

  • Guest

    This is totally true…I had been dating a new man who I thought was honest and true. Why is it that they put a mask on and pretend to be all they know you want….cause if your faking it…it will show….NEWS FLASH gentlemen…..us ladies are not as dumb as you think…we are ON to you…

    • http://www.facebook.com/mastinkipp Mastin Kipp

      what do you mean on to you?

  • http://www.facebook.com/akash.issar Akash Issar

    loved this post …for the biggest reason being that i got to hear it from you , Mastin. thank you so much.though I am not able to attend your Love-University and hear you. this audio download is what i really needed here in India!..
    lot’s of love to you
    God Bless you!
    xoxo

    • http://www.facebook.com/mastinkipp Mastin Kipp

      AWESOME Akash! sending you love from California!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/mastinkipp Mastin Kipp

      by the way, Love Uni-versity is an ONLINE course and we email you the MP3!

  • mlle reina

    Solid post, Mastin! This relates to what my partner and I just went through last night. We are both committed to being honest with each other and are figuring out the way to be responsible and kind/compassionate in the process. It’s like creating a language of our own making to help ourselves manage conflicts and understand each other while keeping our relationship genuine and strong. Challenging tasks, but absolutely worth it. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/mastinkipp Mastin Kipp

      what came out the other side Mlle?

  • http://www.facebook.com/Margaretclarkledane Margaret Clark LeDane

    You are so right!  If you have the same goals and dreams for the future, then working through the “junk” is worth it.  My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 7 years, have raised 5 children between us full time (our ex spouses live on the other coast), we keep separate houses and we have more passion now than ever.  Why?  Because we’ve worked through so much over the years.  The last two are in high school now and sometimes we just look at each other and remember all the crap we’ve been through and think “how did we survive all these years and stay together”?  Maybe it’s because we fully understand what true love is – respect.

    • http://www.facebook.com/mastinkipp Mastin Kipp

      LOVE this comment Margaret! Wow! And WELL done on all the work you’ve done!! :o) you inspire me!

  • http://www.purejoylifedesign.com/ Janet Webber

    Right so, Mastin!  Most people don’t realize that intimacy lies on the other side of conflict.  True intimacy is what creates that sense of aliveness that we are all looking for in a relationship.  

    • http://www.facebook.com/mastinkipp Mastin Kipp

      YES Janet!

  • csw

    Mastin – have you read, “Can Love Last? The Fate of Romance Over Time”  by Stephen Mitchell?
    Your post today reminded me of it – think you would benefit from reading it.
    http://www.amazon.com/Can-Love-Last-Fate-Romance/dp/0393323730

  • CC

    Love the audio!!!!  And today’s topic was a great point for me to remember and use.

    • http://www.facebook.com/mastinkipp Mastin Kipp

      hey CC – I”m SO happy that you dig the new audio!!

  • Aaron Friday

    I have to say this is absolutely true. I am in a marriage of two years with my best friend. We just had our first child and intimacy is one of my (many) critical focal points. It is actually my fault that I even have to think about this “issue.” Part of me thinks intimacy should just come naturally if I am in a healthy marriage. The reality is that I was not truthful with my wife and now we are suffering. I did not cheat on her, but I withheld something and that was not good–I lied to her. Now, we are working through this. Excellent topic today; listen up men!

  • http://www.theheartofthriving.blogspot.com/ Brooke Baker

    Truth-telling is indeed the cornerstone of intimacy and passion!  You are so right!  With my last several relationships, including a failed marriage – I realized I didn’t feel comfortable being totally myself because I didn’t think my truth would be accepted.  (Hello!! Major red flag!!) but sometimes it takes a minute (or two) to figure this out because we don’t start self-disclosing all our intimate details when we first start dating someone (or at least we shouldn’t. lol)  Well…I’ve been dating someone for about 9 months now that totally rocks my world and being able to share myself completely with him and for him to be so accepting and supportive of me and vice versa – makes this the most mind-blowingly fantastic relationship I’ve ever been in!  I’ve never been this close with a person…period.  He’s my person.

    Sometimes we have moments where we just look at each other, nod, and our eyes well up with tears – that’s how much we love and appreciate each other and our connection.  Pure passion.

    Thanks, Mastin
    Love and light
    @Brooke_R_Baker:twitter 

  • Idk

    12 years and two kids later we’ve totally lost the passion and intimacy the truth is I love him but just annoyed by living with him. I keep thinking can we still be a family and stay together and live in separate houses for a lil while .. Not permanently? I feel like that’s the only way to get it going again?! Btw not married, been playing house for 12 years.

  • Carlatciampi

    Mastin, this is a great post and it hit me hard. I have been on and off with someone for over a year and i just recently walked away from the relationship because i felt the passion was there. we just didnt have the same truths/beleifs in relationship love. The sad this is, I still ove him very much but feel there were so many ups and downs that we were unable to overcome, i had to end it. My question is, how do you know what to walk away from and what to work through?

  • http://butterflymaiden7.blogspot.com/ Kathleen Reynolds Chelquist

    I am seriously FREAKING OUT right now!!!!  I really am unwilling to contain myself.  Did you read my, “Hope Springs…even in my marriage” Blog?  I am willing to say…THIS WAS MY SECRET. Because I was willing to tell the truth, I am now creating the passion and intimacy I desired with my husband.  I know that now after I revealed my secret.  It wasn’t the lack of passion that was separating us- IT WAS THE SECRET that was keeping us from REAL love…REAL intimacy.  I keep asking the Uni-Verse to give me signs that I am on the right track and this blog today was HUGE, HUGE, HUGE for me.  In fact…I am going to quote you and put this on my blog.  Thanks brother…I can’t wait to read it to my hubby.  YOU ARE ON LIKE DONKEY KONG! LOL…butterflymaiden7.blogspot.com/ 

  • http://www.facebook.com/anthony.meindl Anthony Meindl

    The truth will set you free!

  • http://www.facebook.com/mastinkipp Mastin Kipp

    Who’s dowloaded the audio file!? What do u think?

  • gingergirl

    It takes courage to speak up and tell your truth.  I had a conversation with my boyfriend this morning.  The standard crackle in my voice, he asked “What’s wrong?”  After I said, “Nothing,” I took a deep breath and said what I needed to say.  I was hoping to work on it and get clarity about it before I spoke, but I just laid it out there.  He said he really had nothing to say about it, and that was fine.  He just listened.  He also, (wait for it), did not pull back emotionally, but called me later to say hi and to see how the day was.  No games, no running from the truth.  I think, this is what “they” call a mature relationship.  Who knew?

  • PhilG

    Wow, this is a great post
    Mastin!  It hit me because I have never
    been able to trust someone who lied to me before.  But I met someone that I could see past the
    lies and feel why they had to do it and ultimately forgive them for lying.  And I couldn’t agree more that to grow closer
    to another, to become intimate/passionate absolutely requires Truth.  Thank you for all you do.

  • Tiffandzeke

    Love the audio …and the post!

  • SWEET

    But what happens when the passion has already died, because he has been the biggest bully and manipulator i have ever met? And who won’t take responsibility (ownership or GUILT) for anything and just blames you for everything and anything; that goes wrong, (big or small)….just so he can get off the hook and to take responsibility for it, and when he does take responsibility for it; he makes a big song and dance about what HE has DONE, what a great job HE has DONE..And is controlling and narcissistic and just twist everything you say and AVOIDS a good mature conversation, with a give and take attitude…but of cause he is a charmer in front of everybody else so you can’t even prove it to anyone.

    • Cin

       I have been married to that same guy for 24 years. Exactly as you describe. Do you know what you do? You leave him. And watch him suddenly realize what you are worth to him and scramble for your love. And the price of you coming back is for him to listen to you respectfully and for as long as it takes until you feel heard and understood, and he has to treat you well and take responsibility for all his stuff and make amends, and watch and wait for a long time of him behaving well before you agree to come back, and if he does well, and you do come back, hold hard to your boundaries and expectations of how to be treated. Be ready to walk again for good if he goes back to his old ways. You lay your whole truth on the line, and if he truly steps up, you can decide whether you want to give him another chance at your love and devotion. I tried to be super loving to my guy for 22 years, tried to be heard by him endlessly without success, didn’t work, so I tried this and it worked, now he is the partner and father I always hoped he would be. You are married to a child. Make him grow up, with or without you…it’s on him to bring it, to make it worth your while. And you don’t need to prove how he is to anyone, tell your close friends that truly have your back the whole ugly truth about him, use them for some support. You will find out for sure if you want him for the rest of your life or not. The life you are leading with this man is no kind of life. Trust me, I know!

    • Nanyappe

      I was in a relationship just like you describe. I finally got out, realizing that I deserved more and someone who would care FOR me, appreciate my needs, and respect me. Truth is, I don’t think you can change him, and don’t expect to. He has to want to change. The girl that posted good results was very lucky. Only you know what he’s capable of. If you think he won’t change then leave. If you believe in him, then try and pray it will change. You deserve to be happy and for someone to care about your best interests.

  • CarrieB

    This is very profound, Mastin. Thank you for sharing this insight. It allowed me to see my past relationship in a different way and learn more from it. 

  • http://twitter.com/SherylKurland Sheryl Kurland

    You are so right that TRUTH is the stairway to PASSION, and I would add allowing yourself to be completely VULNERABLE.  It can be a scary ride, but as you & Jenna are finding out, well worth it…and it keeps getting better and better.  

  • EyesWideOpen

    This article is eye opening… but what if you really want to say all those things and you just can’t. When all those thoughts rush through your head and you get ready to say something  just to find yourself stopped in the tracks by this paralyzing fear… and you just let another chance at intimacy fly buy by brushing it off with some nonsense. How do you get over that?

    • SWEET

      to eyes wide open,….the answer is; you let your heart rule – not your head, and your heart WAS telling you to do it, to take the chance….but your allowed fear (your head) to take over…..the outcome of taking a chance should have been more powerful and more positive than the fear….you should have been thinking of the benefits – not the loss of that chance!

  • Earlymorningreader

    I love that you offer the audio download! It was always hard for me to read TDL in the morning, but now I can listen to it in my car on the way to work! Awesome idea!!

  • Lchoate Mcgovern

    I have an incredible story about this subject, too long to post here. But it comes diwn to being a spiritual warrior, speaking your truth, and hearing someone else’s without judgement. A path to beautiful relationships.

  • Manutd0018

    The key is being open and vulnerable. 

  • Li_lynne

    In this post you are referring to truth and honesty leading to passion and intimacy in a romantic relationship; what about it leading to trust and respect in any relationship? I have a friend who continues to be dishonest in order to “protect” me even after I’ve explained that I prefer the truth and that the dishonesty disrespects me and our friendship.