How To Find Love By NOT Looking For It

Dr. Robert HoldenHow many times have you heard of someone who found love after they stopped looking for it? I remember being told that story over and over again when I was single and lonely. For two years, I pretended not to look for love in an effort to find love. That didn’t work. It seems that you really do have to stop looking for love in order to find it. So, how do you do that? Here’s my five-step guide.

1. “I am what I seek.” Looking for love is a mind-set that leads you to believe that love is outside of you. You look out for someone who “has” your love and “is” your love. You hope to find them, so that you can find love. However, looking for love isn’t about finding another person; it’s about finding your heart. When you find your heart again you remember that love exists in you. Now you remember, “I am what I seek.” Now, love goes with you wherever you go, and this is good news because love always finds love.

2. “I am loveable.” In Loveability, I describe the basic human drama that exists in each of us. Your soul is an expression of the basic truth, which is “I am loveable”; and your ego is an expression of the basic fear, “I am not loveable.” When you look for love you encounter this basic fear, and secondary fears like “What if I never find love?” and “What if love doesn’t exist?” The basic fear causes you to “seek but not find” because you don’t feel worthy. However, when you affirm, “I am loveable,” and treat yourself like someone you love, you attract love into your life.

3. “I am loved.” When you look for love, you are so focused on finding “the one” that you act as if there is no love in your life until he/she gets here. In other words, you get so fixated on romance that you forget about love. After you finish reading this article, get out a pen and paper. On top of the page write “I am loved.” Then take fifteen minutes to recognize the ways you are loved in your life – by your family, your friends, the divine, your angels, your cat, and your own heart. When you recognize how loved you are, it makes you a magnet for even more love.

4. “I choose love.” You can’t hold on to a grievance and find love. Unless you forgive your past, you will always be afraid to love and be loved. There is no way around this. Forgiveness is the key to finding love. You can’t keep bandaging an old wound, and let love in. You can’t be defensive, and be open to love. You can’t be resentful, and be present. You can’t be cynical, and enjoy loving relationships. The willingness to forgive ensures you don’t repeat the past. Affirm out loud “I choose love” and you make love welcome.

5. “I am here.” When you look for love, you put your life on hold. It’s like you’ve told yourself, “I will only show up after I am loved.” Reality can’t give you what you are not giving. You cannot experience what you are not being. Thus, the way to find love is to be the most loving person you can be. And that means being willing to love everyone. Not date everyone! Love everyone. When you love the world, you show up more fully in your life, and that’s how love finds you.




Robert Holden is the creator of a 3-day program called Loveability, which is coming to the USA for the first time in New York in November 2013. Click here for more info.

Robert writes daily on his FB page and hosts a weekly radio show for Hay House Radio called Shift Happens! His new book Loveability is out now.

  • TVJackieM

    Cheap forgiveness is just the same as not forgiving. For some things it is harder to get to forgiveness no matter how much we know it’s bad to be drinking the poison of our unforgiveness. The good thing is that we have a choice and access to tools to guide us through towards a more forgiving place, such as Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping.

    I don’t believe in extremes I think this article has some good points.
    The love advice out there is polarized. Either go out there 100% to find love or just let it happen. After listening to some of the dating advice out there I am feeling totally
    dis-empowered by the advice around online dating, getting a second date,
    how to attract men at events etc. From what I have observed and heard,
    online dating has a higher than average incidence of alot of first dates
    that don’t turn into second ones for many of people. This seems to be
    even when the dates go well and one explanation is that the mentality
    fostered by online dating is similar to the shopping/next mindset.

    and more it feels like the best use of time is to just invest it in
    activities that make a person feel empowered and in cultivating
    exceptional people skills for connection, not so much romantic, but
    connecting with others in general. All this effort is great but I just
    totally disagree with online dating given that half the profiles are
    proven to be inactive. It’s not good data and changes the game. I’ve
    done all the techniques that are out there to increase contact with others on an online dating site but was
    working with the fact that the sites were matching me with inactive
    people or that the profiles I was responding to were unsubscribed
    members. That changed the odds of even a response significantly. Even with free sites, there may be more active members, but the phenomenon there are the people on it that are fake or are only there to attract online attention but really are already in a relationship and want to engage in cyber-flirting.

    As for
    flirting in public and offline, I agree with those techniques on how to create instant attraction/seduction with the opposite gender for those who are straight (I haven’t read anything for same sex dating so I can’t comment on advice directed at that) and
    Matthew Hussey’s work on getting/keeping the guy backs it up. For me, that is too much pressure and
    work, and I’m left with a Catch-22. Outside of work I like to enjoy
    life and yes, I do think we should connect with people socially for
    mutual benefit (friendship, networking, etc), but it feels like putting all this energy into building a
    business and cultivating a social circle of good friends is the better
    use of my time. Looking for a date and mate all the time is exhausting.
    Often the romance element of singles mixers and meet market type activity makes people weird when they otherwise would
    not be in a relaxed set of circumstances and environment.

  • Exactly! Excellent article!

  • Vning

    Thank you Dr Holden, for all your wonderful work!

  • Todd St George

    Great article Robert, and very valid points, there’s a reason the old saying goes you have to love yourself before you can love someone else, is because it’s true!

  • Janie McDowall

    This is fantastic and definitely has the ring of great truth. Thank you.

  • Lorraine

    LOVE IT!!! Because I can also make the same statement for prosperity
    Love your radio show on hay house so liberating to hear your practical al lovable solutions to all of us with the teachings of the course of miracles

  • karina

    love this, thank you!

  • Carolina Toledo

    I will read this regularly! its a very good reminder that we are Love! sometimes we forget… Thank you!

  • Sharon H.

    Love everyone! Phew.. That’s a big ask.

    • Deanna Lang

      Or is it the easiest task of them all? 🙂

  • David John

    Everyone wants love in his life. But if you are thinking that how to find love then read this blog it provides you the simple ways and tricks to find your love. i will also apply this on my self.

  • Deanna Lang

    This is one of the most inspiring articles I have ever read. Thank you.

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