The feeling of being in love is the best. When you meet someone and have that instant spark. You hit it off right from the start and get butterflies in your stomach every time you see them. When hours of being together feel like minutes. When you can get an hour of sleep and still feel high on life the next day. Not to mention the blissful feeling of certainty when we feel like you’ve met “the one” (finally!). You start fantasizing about the future and are convinced that the other person is on the same page you are.
And then it ended.
And you were not only heartbroken, but shocked because it seemed so right and you don’t understand what went wrong.
Contrary to what romantic comedies may have us believe, this is actually fairly common and not necessarily a bad thing.
I know that is not comforting if you are in the pain of a break-up, but stay with me because understanding why the one you thought was going to be forever ended may offer you some relief.
What I have seen over and over again with clients is that they meet someone who has all the qualities that they have dreamed about, and they are so happy when they are with that person. And then the relationship ends often in a very abrupt way or because of uncontrollable or unchangeable circumstances. It almost feels like the person is literally being taken away. Well they kind of are – and for a good reason, even if it doesn’t feel like it.
Why does a relationship that feels so right end? So that you can truly see what is so amazingly “right” about you.
Just as people are here to teach us where we have judgments and unresolved issues, they are also here to illuminate what is so amazing about ourselves that we are not acknowledging, owning and experiencing. If you have been with someone you thought was the one, you probably found certain qualities about him or her incredibly attractive. You also may have said, “He brought out the best in me!” Exactly. He or she did bring out the best of you, but it’s YOUR job to keep it going. They fulfilled their spiritual agreement with you by attracting you with their awesome qualities to reflect to you what you are not seeing about yourself. And by triggering the best inside of you so you could have the experience of your awesomeness. But it wasn’t their job to stay.
My client is going through this painful yet paramount important lesson now. Her boyfriend of over a year who she was convinced was the “one,” recently decided to go back to his ex-wife and make it work for his kids. She has been devastated because she felt more like herself with him than she ever had before. When he was around she felt beautiful and confident. He consistently told her that and did things that made her feel that way. She loved him so much and treated him with love, respect and kindness. Now that he is gone, her confidence has plummeted and she is desperately attempting to figure out what she did wrong.
She did not do anything wrong (and neither did you if you were can relate to any part of her story). Sometimes the Uni-verse sometimes “reassigns” a person to support you in fully integrating what they were reflecting and/or catalyzing inside of you – and to protect you from a co-dependent relationship. For example, if you were really attracted to their creativity or drive, one of their gifts to you was to inspire you to reconnect with your creativity or drive. Or as in my client’s case, before her relationship she never felt beautiful and had very little self-confidence. Her ex filled a void that had been empty for nearly 35 years. In order for her to fully step into her own beauty and confidence she is now faced with the opportunity to fill the void herself.
We cannot see in another what we don’t have inside ourselves. If you feel like the person brought out a quality of yours like creativity, you are incorrect. They merely triggered what has been dormant inside of you. No one else can make us anything that we aren’t already. If the person were still there, you would not be as motivated to be the things you miss about them or the version of you that you were with them.
Remember no one is the “one” because everyone is the one. Every single person you have a relationship with (and I don’t just mean romantically) is a soul mate because they are teaching you soul lessons. We all are mirrors and teachers for each other to learn our life curriculum.
I understand that nothing feels quite as devastating as not being able to be with the one you thought was the “one.” But this is just short-term devastation. What would be devastating long-term is never truly integrating the amazing qualities you saw or experienced with or in that other person. You were not rejected, they were just reassigned.
The purpose of any relationship is for our learning and to grow in love – both for another and for ourselves. It is not necessarily to be together forever, make us happy, or fulfill any void in our lives. I encourage you to move through the pain and get to the PURPOSE of your relationship. Begin to see how it served you.
Trust that although the physical presence of a person may not be there, the qualities you loved about them belong to YOU. What you love about them are inside YOU.
You bring out the best in you. It’s there. Stop looking for it in the eyes or arms of another. And when you bring out the best in you – then you will be able to share it with someone who brings out the best in themselves, too. No more wondering if someone else is the “one” – you are the one you have been looking for.
P.s. If you want to heal heartache and fall in love with your love life no matter what your relationship status is while getting a tan…join me for an exclusive retreat in Tulum, Mexico. Space is limited, for details go here.
Christine Hassler is an author, speaker, life coach and spiritual counselor dedicated to helping people answer the questions who am I, what do I want and how do I get it? You can check out her website here.