How to get self-esteem back

Self-love.
Self-esteem.
Loving yourself.
Self-care.

All great ideas. But how?
Lots of people ask me how to love themselves.

So, this week’s episode of Daily Love TV is all about the how. And – it’s a lot simpler than you think (don’t confuse simplicity with ease, btw).

If you are ready to experience the fruits of truly taking care of what you need – this week’s Daily Love TV is for you. (warning – mild adult language)

And in the comments below, make sure to let me know how you are going to reclaim your self-esteem – starting now.

Lots of LOVE from San Diego,

Mastin

P.S. Take what resonates and leave the rest.
[Begin Transcript]

Hey there I am Mastin Kipp Founder of theDailyLove.com and author of the new book “Daily Love Growing into Grace.” Welcome to Daily Love TV.

So this week I want to talk about self-esteem. You know this can get caught up in the idea of self-love, self-esteem all that type of stuff, but what is self-esteem?

Well lets looks at the words “Self” and “Esteem”. If we reverse engineer these two words, it means to esteem yourself. And there are all kinds of ways that we learn about how we can get self-esteem into our lives, right, we can do affirmations, we can go to personal growth retreats, we can read books, we can attend seminars, we can do all these things. But let me ask you a question, have you ever done all those things? Have you read all the books, all the personal growth, all the affirmations, all that stuff and there is still apart of you that’s like “bullshit”? Right, have you ever had that experience?

Well the reason why is because there is a truth detector inside us that knows when you are bullshitting, and when you are not bullshitting. Right, and when you are bullshitting, well, you are not really esteeming yourself, because the way you are esteeming your self are through esteem-able acts. Right, like for example let’s say that your goal is to lose weight and you know that for you to lose weight you basically you got to cut sugar out of your diet, you got to eat a healthy diet, you got to eat a lot of healthy fats and fiber and greens and stuff like that and you got to exercise.

Right, you got to exercise every day and maybe not intensely, but at least a little bit every day. So you know this, and you start going down that path and then maybe a couple of days into it you are starting to feel good about it. Why? Because you are staying in the integrity that you want, but if you go off the wagon and start downing the snickers bars and not working out like are you going to esteem yourself, are you going to have self-esteem? No. And you can sit here and say all the positive affirmations you want that I love myself, I love myself, I love myself but if you are doing action contrary to your own conscience, contrary to that truth detector inside of you, you are never going to esteem yourself. And the other thing is if you are looking for your self-esteem in other relationships, outside jobs, approval from other people, you setting yourself up for major, major let down because can you control other people? No. Can you control outside circumstances? No. Can you control maybe your partner in a romantic relationship? Hell no. Right “What can you control?

There is one thing that you can control” and what is it? It’s the way you interpret events, the meaning you give events, and ultimately if you want to get your self-esteem back it’s like what do I want first of all? What’s the outcome that I want? Who are the people who are already producing that result? For example if you want to lose weight, take advice from fit people right, you don’t want to take weight loss advice from someone who is 300 pounds overweight. If you want to start a business take advice from people who are entrepreneurs. Right, and then model them, do what they are doing over and over and over and over again.

You know, don’t go and get a work out partner who is at the same fitness level as you are, get someone further down the road so when you want to stop they are going to say NO, keep going! Right, you want to surround yourself with people who are further down the road who can call you on your B.S. And a funny things start to happen when you surround yourself with people who are further down the road than you, right, when you do esteem-able acts, when you trust yourself, when you act in integrity with the actual things that you want POOF self-esteem emerges. Why? Because you earned it, ok.

Self-esteem is earned through doing esteem-able acts. So think about your life, think about the goals that you want; maybe you want a loving relationship, maybe you want a healthy body, or you want to have financial abundance in your life, or you want to get away from toxic people in your life, or you want to create a business, or whatever it is you want to do, right, where are you at with integrity, where are you going towards a healthy body, but stuffing your face full of sugar?

Where are you going towards a healthy relationship, but maybe cheating on the person or lying to them, or lying to them, or emotionally cheating?

Where are you at with integrity and what could be 5 ways, that starting right now, that you could bring yourself back into integrity with what you actually want? And then you start to esteem yourself, self-esteem is earned by doing esteem-able acts. What can be 5 esteem-able acts that you know if you are really honest with yourself that you need to be doing?

And there is that part of you that is calling bullshit, affirmations are wonderful I use them all the time, and I advise my clients to use them. But affirmations without aligned action and esteem-able action, kind of worthless, they are just words that you tell yourself when the rest of your body goes and calls bullshit. So what can be those 5 ways that you can bring yourself back into having esteem for yourself? In the comments below let me know.

If you are over on Facebook or if you are over on YouTube head on over to TheDailyLove.com and leave a comment below this video, there is an incredible discussion, awesome people, the break through that you need might not be in the video but the comments below there is such an incredible community there. Head on over, leave a comment as most importantly and as always here at Daily Love TV, take action and make it real. See you next time.

Can you believe it my new book “Daily Love Growing into Grace” is out now, I can’t wait to share it with you. To check out all the information on how to order and to order the book head on over to growingintograce.com for all the information.

[End Transcript]

  • Lianda

    This video was so synchronistic for me today as I am guiding kids how to have more self-confidence!! Thank you Mastin! For me.. 5 esteem able actions that would put me into integrity would be 1. Sending my photographer inspiration and the set list for a photoshoot I want to do for my website/marketing materials. 2. Go to Yoga today. 3. Love my family – show it by hugging them, being present, happy, and open and curious to their lives 4. Preparing my lesson as best I can for the kids, really getting more creative than usual and writing it all out. 5. Sending my energy healing info to a yoga studio, for them to post, so I can begin using their space and gaining more clients!

    • The Daily Love

      Wonderful Lianda! Sending you big Love! <3 – Team Daily Love

  • This is so true! It’s almost too simple actually, so that you don’t get it 😉 But also for a lot of us, we tend to wanna dance around it, because we hope there’s this magic pill like the whole meditation – affirmation thing, this is what most people (and myself), go for first, because we think it takes a whole lot of inside work to achieve selfesteem, and it does also for a part, but mostly in fact, it DOES take action! We all know this is true, we just don’t want it to be, then we have to get off our butts!! ha ha!
    One problem I do have though, is the thing where I get to affected of the opinions of others, I’ve had my share of toxic friendships in the past, and it sure has wounded me, so that sometimes when I dwell a bit in the past and think back, I start having doubts about my personality, thinking I might be a bad person etc.. This is really a sore spot for me, and it still gets to me 🙁 BUT, it reaaaaally does help to do my thing and take care of myself and be a good friend to those who love me <3

    Thank you Mastin

    • Brin

      Mette, Thank you for sharing this. I have totally experienced that this week: doubting myself because of the opinions of others or even just the thought of what their opinions might be can be debilitating. What I am taking out of this video is to continue to do the things you know to do that bring you into integrity for yourself. that way you have the foundation for being strong and centred in all your actions, requests, communications, and when you are standing for another person or your own values. Thanks Mastin!!

      • Brin

        5 esteemable acts would be:
        1. Getting 8 hours sleep tonight.
        2. Focusing on completing my assignment tomorrow.
        3. Creating a clear budget for the next year and being clear on my savings goals.
        4. Getting back to my gratefulness practise each morning.
        5. Exercising or doing a Yoga session first thing in the morning tomorrow.

    • The Daily Love

      Thanks so much for sharing your insight and story with us Mette! Sending you so much Love <3 – Team Daily Love

  • Cecilia

    Mastin ,felt like you pointed me the right direction, thanks mate… got yr book and am on pg 55 now…. Good read …talk soon.

    • The Daily Love

      Perfect Cecilia! Sending you big Love! <3 – Team Daily Love

  • Cheri Christiansen Thomas

    Mastin, I love your “no bullshit” style. Keep on being real. This was amazing. As it is every day. I look forward to your words every morning. Thank you for being you and creating content that inspires us everyday. I know it must get challenging sometimes but you’re rocking it!!

    • The Daily Love

      We are grateful to have you a part of the Daily Love community Cheri <3 thanks so much for being here! <3 – Team Daily Love

  • Denise N

    Mine are: 1. art instead of candy crush 2. forgiveness in the moment as apposed to offense 3. smile for fun 4. find ways to use my intuition to support others 5. Laugh more and find ways to be silly with friends and family

    • The Daily Love

      Powerful Denise! <3 – Team Daily Love

  • kecia

    5 esteem able acts: 1) Go to early bootcamp class 4days this week 2) Find a local group to network within the job search 3) Make daily action plans for job search 4) Go to yoga class 5) Write in gratitude journal!!!!

    • The Daily Love

      Bautiful Kecia! <3 – Team Daily Love

  • Lisa

    I simply want to echo the thanks for “being real” and sharing your path and insights with the world. Self-esteem is so deeply rooted in our childhood that it is no wonder that it takes SO long to rebalance to a healthier perspective about ourselves. I totally agree that while it may Begin with Affirmations (planting positive seeds of possibility) that we will only make Real changes with Action!

    My 5 Self-Esteemable Acts today-
    1. Focus on Empowerment for myself and others in Nursing- write the email summarizing clear boundary violations and listing ways to fix them.
    2. Go biking for 10 miles today to enjoy nature and clear my head
    3. Be fully present at work and LIFE; don’t get stressed over small stuff!
    4. Embody the vision of healthy family- share weekend with mom and make myself available to my daughter/ grandson as they “start anew”- (because I WANT to- best use of NOW).
    5. Embrace my true nature and move forward on my Hero’s Journey- my gut (3rd chakra) feels much more relaxed, despite big changes in life- being alert to the signs of support and face any fears…

    NOTE- Being Vulnerable and Graceful feels so much more honest than constantly being defensive and argumentative. There IS a way to empowerment that is more Yin and I am embracing that as my Self Esteem grows!!!

    Namaste…

    • The Daily Love

      Love it Lisa! Thanks for sharing your 5 with us and your insight! Sending you so much Love <3 – Team Daily Love

  • maddie

    1. Focus on getting my kid to be more positive.
    2. Exercising
    3. Seeking true love instead of being stuck in a rut.
    4. Doing more challenging work
    5.eating healthily

    • The Daily Love

      Wonderful Maddie <3 – Team Daily Love

  • Stephanie Cassella Barrett

    1. Tell myself I am worthy everyday. 2. Try to keep a more positive attitude in the house. 3. Help others feel good about themselves too. 4. Continue my healthy lifestyle. 5. Think happier thoughts.

    • The Daily Love

      Powerful Stephanie <3 – Team Daily Love

  • Michele Thomas

    Oh my! How I needed to be reminded of this…. just as to co-create an awesome life I need to act, so do I need to do esteemable acts to grow my self-esteeem….
    OK, my 5 esteemable acts are:
    1. To continue (resume) making amends for past hurt I have caused others
    2. To face my fear of judgement and rejection by being more open, honest and vulnerable with the people in my life (especially my son, my partner and my mom)
    3. To start working on my two projects, just a little everyday, so the monumental tasks gradually become more manageable more manageable
    4. taking the risk to put myself out there, meet new people
    5. Resume my dormant kundalini yoga practice

    Of course, these actions (especially amends) may take some time to complete, but if I take one step toward accomplishing each of these each day… I trust that self-love will grow and soon blossom

    • The Daily Love

      One step a day Michele! Sending you BIG Love <3 – Team Daily Love

  • I miss the whistling at the beginning of the videos. Aside from that, great vid, Mastin!

    • The Daily Love

      Thanks Akirah! We’ve kept it on the end of the videos! <3 – Team Daily Love

  • Carolina Varzabetian

    Mines are: 1 cut limiting beliefs. 2. Make more exercise to feel abundant with my body. 3. Keep my project growing with more help to others. 4. Open myself to new relationships. 5. Loose the fear of becoming a succesfull entrepreneur.

    • The Daily Love

      Wonderful Carolina!! <3 – Team Daily Love

  • Sandy Matias

    1. To silence all the distraction and be with me. 2. To be open to new love that comes my way. 3. To not be afraid of putting myself out there. 4. To be around people who inspire me. 5. To be patient with myself.

    Thank You Mastin. Your work has really helped change my life. Continue to do you!!

    • The Daily Love

      Beautiful Sandy! Thanks for sharing your 5 🙂 sending you big Love! <3 – Team Daily Love

  • GiGi

    No bullshit, no doubt. I was going to watch your video to help my teenage daughters, but instead it motivated me to help myself. I’ve been on a weight loss journey my whole life and swore I wouldn’t quit this time. I’ve had two bad eating days in a row, eating pastries that make me feel like a zombie. I’m going to start again right now. Planning my meals, tracking my food, walking every day, reading the support website and reading my books instead of watching TV and checking my email all the time.

    • The Daily Love

      Powerful GiGi!! Sending you so much Love! Keep going!! <3 – Team Daily Love

    • Sage Draggon Elfe

      Gigi – you are totally inspiring me to get back on track too!! <3

  • Donna

    As I read all the comments, I am struck by how much we are all the same, just trying to be better, kinder, fitter while working, studying, being in relationship with others. Thank you all for sharing. I’m feeling the Love. Mastin rocks!

    • The Daily Love

      It’s so true Donna! Sending you big Love! <3 – Team Daily Love

  • Warren

    Mastin. Thank You so much for this video. The timing of your information is perfect for me! I am going to 1 smile more 2 compliment people more 3 Notice more and be grateful more for all the kind things people do for me 4 Do more kind actions for people 5 Be less critical of myself. Cheers. Warren

    • The Daily Love

      Thanks for opening up and sharing your 5 with us Warren! Sending you lots of Love <3 – Team Daily Love

  • Melanie B.

    Well said, in a way that makes sense and is actually ‘doable’. Self-Esteem can be one of those subjects that is hard to grip, but your explanation makes total sense!
    1. Find joy in something daily. 2. Pat myself on the back for something I did well today. 3. Commit to an affirmation that is DOABLE. 4. Smile at Strangers. 5. Read the Daily Love. 😉

    • The Daily Love

      Thanks for opening up and sharing your 5 with us Melanie!! Sending you lots of Love! <3 – Team Daily Love

  • Karen Windsor

    Thank you Mastin for that powerful, real action based inspiration! I loved your visit in Phoenix! To see you live in person was amazing! At the meet and greet I wanted to stay in the back of the room, but you inspired me to make it closer to the front, next time maybe front row Ha!Ha!…and I’m loving your new book!

    • The Daily Love

      We <3 you Karen!! <3 – Team Daily Love

  • Amy Pagano

    Awesome! I just saw you speak last night in SD – and it was powerful and really made me think. I am ready to take action beyond affirmations/meditations/reading books/etc. My 5 ways to bring myself back into integrity? 1. Take action in the moment — stop thinking too much before doing (which stops me many times!). Instead of complaining that something needs to get done — just do it! 2. Feel my feelings FIRST — take a reading of how I am feeling and sit in that feeling and recognize it for what it is,and not be afraid of my feelings. 3.Actively listen to others when they are talking – stop interrupting and hear them out. Really LISTEN. 4. Be more present by embracing the daily miracles in life. Use my 5 senses more to see and appreciate the glorious world around me. 5. Be OK with myself even if I don’t feel ok. Give myself a break once in a while to just be me, without having to live up to any standard that I think I should be living up.

    Thanks Mastin — you rock! I love your raw, real, and focused energy. It’s stimulating and inspiring!

    • The Daily Love

      So grateful you were able to join us in person Amy! Sending you lots of Love! <3 – Team Daily Love

    • Svjetlana

      Not really listening & interrupting to talk seems to be a common issue these days. Is one of my pet peeves w/people if it’s extreme. Is more rare to find people who do listen!? If it continues too much even after bringing it up a few times (which i do) they are people I just need to avoid. I mean why be there? They can talk to a wall and have the same interaction. I need to be heard too. I’m talking in the first place to share and connect, to relate – i already listen to my thoughts all the time, if i can’t be heard there’s no point in my talking!? I see how much everyone needs to really just be heard – and seldom are. I give that to people on a daily basis, just really listening to them.. Otherwise #5 is a very tough one for me too. Am struggling with serious depression feeling like such a failure, a screw-up – in general. And am feeling trapped.. I know I’m not the only one of course, especially in these crazy times – but that really doesn’t help me feel any different!? Is so hard if not impossible to really talk about it all with anyone, and is way too much. And I can’t afford therapy or your course or what have you..

  • Chris Snyder

    My 5 esteemable actions I will take are 1. Feel whatever feelings come up in my body 2. Relax myself while in a disagreement with another person rather than trying to control the situation 3. Compliment myself and others more 4. Share more of my personal/vulnerable side to people 5. When an irrationally scary situation arises where I can either run or go do the thing, to go do it instead, even if everything in me wants to run.

    Loving your book so far! Unfortunately I didn’t make it to your event in Philly. Might sound funny but the idea of dancing freaked me out too much to get myself to go. Next time around when I’ll have faced a bunch of irrationally scary situations I’ll make it 🙂

    • Katie Noble

      I love your #2, so powerful and very effective, we could all learn something from this 🙂

      • Chris Snyder

        Thank you! Glad you resonated with it and I agree wholeheartedly 🙂

    • Nan

      Wow, these are almost exactly mine. I’ve been living them and it works. Some tough situations have come up for me recently and I’m “digging in” (engaging). I continue to grow and expand.

      • Chris Snyder

        I love that 🙂 And thanks for sharing – it’s encouraging to hear that it works!

    • The Daily Love

      Next time Chris! Thanks for opening up and sharing your 5 with us <3 sending you big Love! – Team Daily Love

      • Chris Snyder

        Thank you! And thanks for posting the video 🙂 I’m already noticing changes since practicing my 5.

  • Lovefirst

    1. less feeling sorry for me and more action 2. Less focus on others more focus on my partner 3. less victim in my workout goals more pure love of my fitness goal 4. less fear for fear sake and more fear as compass for action 5. Less seeking approval from others and work and more living in the approval already inside of me as pure love

    • Chris Snyder

      These are things I need to practice too. #5 is very powerful.

    • The Daily Love

      Beautiful Lovefirst! <3 – Team Daily Love

  • Jo

    Mine is a simple comment: Mastin, you are awesome! This advice on self esteem is the best I have ever heard (and from years of counselling, I have heard a lot of advice). This one seems actually do-able. Now off to figure out my five esteem-able actions.

    • The Daily Love

      We <3 you Jo! Feel free to share your 5 with us! – Team Daily Love

  • kat

    Love this article a lot and it makes so much sense. What about unconditionally loving yourself though? Even when you mess up and don’t achieve all of your goals?

    • The Daily Love

      That’s a great life’s practice Kat! <3 – Team Daily Love

  • Another awesome vlog! For me, I have to stop talking about how bad sugar is for me and stop eating it! Grr….that is a difficult one. I have to focus on people who make me feel valuable and ditch the fair weather friends, once and for all. I have to stop stressing about where to move to next and focus on what I want, then follow the path that corresponds with it. I need to be less judgmental and critical of people and let them discover their own journey and instead, focus on my own:-)

    • archeryl

      Oooh…that last sentence…I TOTALLY need to work on that too! Thanks for putting it in words…helps me focus =)

  • Amie

    Hi, I signed up for the daily love mastery and I need help with a refund. The course looks amazing, but after careful consideration and a talk with my therapist I have decided I am not ready for the course this year. I have written several emails to the daily love. I really would like someone to contact me via email to help me with this refund. Thank you

  • I so agree with the adage of “self-esteem comes from esteemable acts.” Also, I’m a big believer in the importance of self-compassion even over self-esteem. Ways that I can *act* lovingly, toward myself and others, are the all around best. Big ones are– Move my body. Eat food from the earth. Call a family member or have a coffee date with a girl friend. Be a channel of grace for someone unexpectedly. Write a blog post. Cuddle my kitties.

  • delina dimova

    well first I am going to stap making decisions when I am tipsy. second I return to uk on Friday and honor myself by applying for work, getting up at 7 am to do a morning routine i.e. meditation and breakfast to ease my anxiety. three I will make myself do daily exercise, even if its the 15 minute walk around the block, I will do it. four, I will message my friends and ask how they r. five, I will look for rooms to rent in Northampton.
    here.. is the thing, I don’t want to be the dot dot dot person, or um or ah or whatever stuttering, I want to be decisive and active. I don’t want to disapooint my inner child any more because I know if I say I will do it and I don’t I beat myself up and then I am scared and I am not moving forward at all. like nada. so Ive realised for self love u need to first provide a safe environment to do so. I can not allow my guard to come down while im still travelling because its not my place. I don’t feel 100 percent safe. or that’s a lie, I don’t feel 100 percent safe within myself. shining a light on the darkest corners of my existence has been so challenging and scary and overwhelemeing because it has manifested with the most incredible experiences ever.
    I am working at that honour myself path for a year now and I think it is time to master it, my heart is calling for attention. the fourth chakra will be my next stop. and for that I know I must be in my own place with my own stuff around me. feeling like I am swimming an being in my own waters and then once I reach that place I can overspread and gift light to others. till then, doing that action plan and continueing with it until I have concurred the self esteem.
    copying someone who is already doing what u want to do is a new thing for me. it keep on appearing and I think I am going to explore this a little bit more too.
    love and light daily love xxx I love u

  • Tekie

    Great post ! I keep reading this over & over again.
    The 5 things esteemable I can do are –
    1) Stop procrastinating & take action to get my job
    2) Stop living with my toxic family
    3) Be a great success at work
    4) Take care of my body
    5) Spend sometime singing everyday, hiring a music teacher ‘coz I love it & I deserve to learn more to sing better

  • Tara Norton-Hayford

    I agree that this was an amazing way to look at self esteem! My 5 are:
    1. spend more time with girlfriends. 2. Eat less sugar 3. exercise more 4. meditate everyday 5. surround myself only with others that lift me up

  • Amita

    Mastin – this makes sense except for where you suggest aligning with people that are further down the road. My experience with trying that method has been quite challenging. The people I am trying to learn from don’t necessarily have time for me nor want to work with me because they are also chasing after people that are more advanced than themselves. I have accepted this as a challenge and will somehow work through this. I believe in myself. Thanks for always sharing your knowledge and insights.

  • Jones Nicole

    I want to use this medium to thank Dr shiva for helping me to get back my husband after he left me and the kids for 5 months to suffer.When he left,he told me that he dont love me again and he has found another woman which he loved.I cry everyday because i love him so much and i decide to go the net for help when i saw a lady’s post of how Dr Shiva help help to get her husband back who divorced her and i just say to myself let me give this Dr shiva on ([email protected]) a try and indeed he is wonderful he help me to get my husband back within 2days and my husband return to me and promise to love me forever and beg me for the pain he cost me. I will forever be greatful to you Dr Shiva and i will not stop to publish your name on the internet for people to see because you are so great.You can email him at [email protected] and he will also save your marriage.

  • peekandseek

    Mastin, you are awesome! The Daily Love brightens my day! Thanks so much for enlightening us.

  • Rebecca Maloney

    Thank you for this.. its amazing how you put things we know into words that help us understand better… lol! if that makes sense. I know I have been out of integrity with some things…this has helped me a lot thank you!

  • Andrea Christensen

    This was the best explanation I’ve ever heard about why I’m having such a tough time accepting my body as it is and loving myself. In my heart, I’ve known that I don’t have to look like a supermodel or lose a single pound for self-acceptance, but that hasn’t helped me feel one iota better. THIS is why. The esteem-able acts portion was missing. All of a sudden, I understand. Wow, this is a huge moment in my life. I’m declaring my five things to be: 1. Begin a daily yoga practice TODAY, 2. Eat more greens/green veggies every day, starting TODAY, 3. Meditate every single day, without fail, starting TODAY, 4. Declutter for 15 minutes every single day, starting TODAY, and 5. Write for 20 minutes daily, starting TODAY. These five things just got written on a Post-it that’s now attached to my monitor. Thank you so much for this!