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How To Trust, Even After You’ve Been Hurt

I think it’s safe to say that almost everyone on the planet has been hurt in a past relationship. If you haven’t yet, then you will at some point. Heart break happens. It will either be a personal relationship or a business partnership or a friendship. It’s not always in the love and relationship category, but many times it is.

Today I want to talk about trusting even after you’ve been hurt.

As a man, I believe that it is important to show up and to be consistent – to be THERE for your woman. I think that one of the most valuable things in the whole world is the heart of the woman you love. And I believe that it is a man’s duty as part of loving his woman to protect her heart and never let it break.

Ladies, how many of you have been hurt in the past? My guess it, most of, if not all of you. Because of this, it’s vital that we guys understand that you are protecting your heart.

I’ve learned that women really want a man who is consistent, who shows up for her and who doesn’t waiver. It’s a man’s grounded, single-pointed focus on following his purpose, plus showing up for his woman that proves to her that she can open to him. A woman just can’t open herself and give herself fully to a man she doesn’t trust. (Editor’s note: This article is written about “men” and “women” but applies to all relationships; if you are in a gay relationship, substitute “man” and “woman” for “masculine” and “feminine” energy. Each person occupies one of those energies, even in a gay relationship).

Given that many woman have been hurt in the past, many of them have closed down to protect themselves. This doesn’t mean they don’t want love. Au contraire. All women truly want is to be loved, to be seen, to be felt and to be INTIMATE. But none of those things are possible without first establishing trust.

This is why I think it’s important to develop a solid friendship and base before diving deep into sex (learned this one the HARD way).  I’ve seen that a woman who has been hurt in the past will sometimes rush to bed or have a fling with a guy that she doesn’t have feelings for. BUT – when there are feelings, when there’s chemistry, many times that is scary and she closes up even more. But really, deep down, I believe that she is waiting for the right man to see her, let her test him and to remain solid.

There is a fine line between what I just described and her not being into you. So know the difference.

But many times, amazing love could blossom on the other side of having patience and just showing up for her. When a woman gives her heart, it is her everything. It is so strong and capable of such love, but at the same time it is so fragile and can be hurt very easily.

So, today, don’t give up on her. Give into love. Get to know her. Don’t rush. Remember, when it comes to Love, sometimes the patient path is the fastest way. You can have amazing intimacy without sex. And when you build a friendship and intimacy up and let the energy build, you are preparing yourself to be in the most fulfilling, wonderful and sexually exciting relationship you could imagine. Sex without love is fun, but sex WITH love is Divine and the highest form of union between two people.

Call her bluff. See her hesitancy not as rejection but as a test to see if you are going to leave or stay. She will open up and give herself to the steadfast man whom she trusts. Be that man. Sometimes you have to fight for love. And sometimes you just have to show up, be present and let it emerge.

What do you think? Let me know: [email protected]

Love,

Mastin

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Mastin Kipp is the CEO and Founder of The Daily Love. Take what resonates with you from the blog and leave the rest. Follow him on Twitter here.

  • pglparadise

    Mastin, you are so insightful and this post hits home with me. Relationships are hard but you have to show up. I recently went through a similar situation minus the sex part. But most of the points you made above were things that I was trying to explain to a guy I was interested in. Thank you Mastin, what you write touch a lot of people.

  • http://www.MsMW.Tumblr.com MsMW

    At least 1 man gets us! :)

    Let’s hope many more men take the time to read this, memorize it & understand
    About the importance of Trust & patience.

    Thank you for Expressing what my heart calls 4.

  • cb

    This is a great share…thanks.

  • http://sylviasumitro.blogspot.com Sylvia

    Totally love this article!

  • http://s-kakes.blogspot.com/ Sandra

    Timely and almost as if the universe brought me to this post today. Seriously hits home. Thanks for sharing!

  • Karey

    Mastin,
    Thank you for an amazing article. It says what so many men don’t understand. I lost a relationship
    partyly due to this reason. He never understood all I ever wanted was to matter and have my heart protected. He didn’t understand I needed to be shown I could trust him. Again, thank you. Your website has helped me cope beyond belief!

  • Linda Santa

    I have been hurt in the past, both in relationships and in friendships. I admit, there were times when I doubted that I would ever be able to trust again. But, then I realized something: You can’t punish the people of your present for the pain that people of your past caused you. That’s like giving someone the death sentence for a murder that someone else committed, and that’s not fair to them….nor to you.

  • TreeOfLife

    Loved this write up! I would like to ask if you have any insight in the other direction…for the guys that have been betrayed by woman and find it near impossible to give trust to a new woman?
    Thanks for your thoughts and time!
    ~A Woman

  • Meghan

    Mastin, thank you for the versatility of this post. It has reminded me of just how important patience and trust are in relationships. After having suffered many breaches this year as a result of neglecting both, I definitely needed to be reminded of it. It couldn’t have come at a better time, thank you! C:

  • Winnie Nicole

    I think it is important to remember to trust yourself, which will then allow you to move on and trust someone else.

  • http://www.wildchildgonegood.com Beki – Wild Child Gone Good

    This was me. Slow to fully trust. But I found a man I trusted and opened up more than I ever had in my entire life. He was the first man I honestly could see forever with. But he did not value my heart & broke it. I found out he has been cheating on me our entire 2.5 year relationship. He was the first boyfriend I had that I also considered my best friend.

    I don’t know how to recover. To trust again. I feel so betrayed. (I just found out this past Monday 8/1)

  • Cyndy

    Great Article. It is so true but many guys miss the boat on the whole being there, solid. Or it means something different to them than it means to women. The article was right on target and I hope your message was heard loud and clear.

  • Kathy

    This is such an amazing article. I feel like you have captured my heart in your writing. I have been hurt so many times in the past because I think that the man is trustworthy but he ends up hurting me. Thank you so much for reminding me to have hope and to carry on in the endeavor of eventually finding love. I always feel that when someone comes into my life it’ll be amazing and then I end up getting very hurt. Thank you for reminding me to keep going.

  • http://telluselle.blogspot.com Alexandra Telluselle

    Are you saying that men never have a trust-issue or feel it hard to regain trust?

    For me personally, I definitely don’t sit and “wait” in some kind of “bluff”. I just don’t have the time or the energy to play games. And I certainly don’t want any men who do either. However showing up and communicating clearly of intentions is of course important just as following through and doing what he is saying. If he stops showing me interest after a couple of weeks/months then I obviously move on.

    A couple of years ago on some TV-show a book called “He’s just not that into you” was presented. Great little book. If I am into someone, regardless if it is to show an interest as a collegue, business partner, flirting, sexual, friendship or spiritual soulmate love connection and getting to know that person, I say so and call (email, text, talk to IRL). To me it should be as simple for a man too. If you like her then call, if you don’t call, you don’t like her.

    Aloha,
    /Alexandra

  • Elissa

    Great, great, great article!!!! Your best so far.
    Aroha,
    elissa

  • Jacqueline

    Wow!

  • Courtney M.

    So what if it’s the other way around?  It’s the guy that has been hurt by past relationships and has a hard time trusting or thinking that all women are a crazy financial burden?

    • wynter

      Exactly… see below. Seriously if he is like that move on. There are plenty of great men out there who still believe enough to try… really try in a committed relationship. See the inside not the outside. I mean YES you do have to have some sexual attraction in order to have that type of reationship but trust me when I say its better to have a flirtatious reltionship with a dude friend who will develop into a boyfriend over time than the hot and horny playboy who will be gone about 30 min after he gets what he wants.
      The thing with men thinking we are a financial burden is a society thing. Tell a guy upfront (especially if you are in a precarious financial situation at the moment) that you dont need his money… just his hand to hold while you are still figuring out how to make your own. If he doesnt hear you move on.

  • Penelope

    you are so right..you have described everything I was and am….but now I find that I have met the man I am willing to love ( all over again), and I know he is going slow with me – and I’m falling in love with him.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Katie-Lu/100001441544885 Katie Lu

    This article describes me to a t (tee?). I’m “exploring” a relationship with a guy that I’ve just met who seems into me, and he sees me. But it’s scary since I’ve been hurt in the past. He is so great. Sometimes I just don’t get what he sees in me. Though he says I’m “interesting”, whatever that means. For me, it’s touch and go. I try not to push him away, because I automatically assume that he’s no longer interested and I’m always surprised when he does still express interest. 

    • Asdasf

      he s just playing a mind game with you. It  s the nice guy bad guy routine to confuse you. 

  • Ethan Vernon

    I have the most amazing girl in the world. I can’t actually tell anyone (including her) just how much.. The words just don’t exist. The problem in our relationship is me. I have very low self esteem and it makes me feel very inadequate and that I’m not good enough for her. It’s difficult to overcome, but I’m finally starting to feel that I’m turning a corner, and it’s loving yourself that’s the key to this!!!

  • Leeleegrue7

    My boyfriend seems to have issues with trust-I have never lied to him or betrayed him but he’s always so suspicious-esp when we go out in public. He’ll ask if I know a guy or why was I looking at a guy. I just want a normal relationship–I can’t seem to enjoy this one-so I think i’ll call it quits.

  • Kennedy Jeanette

    …you got it : )

  • 45yroldDWM

    Bunch of hogwash!!! Women want that fairytale romance that they are fed from birth….no man can ever measure up to the fantasy..therefor all women will cheat!!!! Lie!!!! Betray their closest friends!!! All in pursuit of that which does not exist anywhere except the movies and books!”!! How do you think Harlequin got to be a billion dollar enterprise??? Men arent buying those books, women are!!!! No woman from Eve to the present can be trusted!!!!

    • Bob

      Talk about generalizing the entire female race. This may be true for some women, but seriously bro. You are making all women sound like mindless, selfish sluts. Not cool…

    • wynter

      Its men with your attitude who have hurt us and you are the exact woman hating selfish type we should all avoid till you have healed. Obviously you have been hurt but if you dont clean up your act you wont find love again. At least not with the type of woman who WONT cheat on you or leave you and yes…. we number in the millions and we are walking quietly beside you daily but you dont see us. Its very unfortunate.

  • John

    Those last few paragraphs make so much sense and is exactly what I needed to hear. I’m talking to a girl who’s very closed up and has trust issues. I feel like she’s continually testing my patience and to make it worse, I’m not very patient! And on top of that I have my own issues feeling rejected. I’ve been trying to be the “steadfast man” but had no idea if I was doing the right thing. Now I know I am. Thank you.