How We Use Fear To Stay Small (And What To Do About It) - Daily Love with Mastin Kipp

How We Use Fear To Stay Small (And What To Do About It)

The theme of my mentoring sessions today has been one of fear holding people back from their dreams. I’ve written a lot about fear on The Daily Love. I’ve written about the fact that Love is all there is and that fear is an illusion. I’ve written about using fear as a compass showing us where to go, instead of where to avoid going. I’ve also written about how fear is healthy because it is designed to keep us alive and it is something we can endeavor to be grateful for instead of in disdain of.

Today I want to talk about how we use fear a crutch to stay small.

I went to a Tony Robbins seminar last year called “Date With Destiny” (which is highly recommend btw). Tony breaks down the six basic human needs. I could write a book on each need, let alone all six. So I am going to do my best to break down these six human needs and be brief about them. Tony’s work also correlates directly to Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, which is again a whole other book. The thing that is important to remember is that no matter who we are or what we believe, we have a few things that make us all the same.

Some of the things that make us all the same are our six human needs, which are:

1. Certainty/Comfort

We all need a sense of certainty in our lives. A relationship isn’t going to last very long is we don’t have a sense of certainty about our partners faithfulness to us. If we weren’t certain our job was going to keep paying us, we would probably stop working there. We all have a sense of certainty that the sun is going to rise tomorrow. Certainty can be awesome, but it can also hold us back.

2. Uncertainty/Variety

This is the exact opposite of certainty, and it’s funny that we need both. If we always ate the same thing every day, we’d get bored. If there was only one movie to watch, we’d get bored. Variety is the spice of life as they say and without it we don’t function very well. It’s impossible to stay inspired without variety. Plus, the unknown or uncertainty, when faced, gives us an adrenaline rush. Too much uncertainty in our lives can be detrimental, but without it, we die of boredom.

3. Significance

We all need significance on some level. If we don’t feel significant within our relationships, if our needs and emotions aren’t honored, then we aren’t in a very good relationship. Also, we love being seen and we love being seen for who we are. Without significance in our lives we experience major sadness and it’s very hard to function as a healthy person. Being TOO significance driven makes for narcissism and a lonesome life. Balance is the key with all our needs.

4. Love/Connection

As Tony says, most people settle for connection because Love is too scary. Without a sense of being connected and loved, by ourselves and others, we whither and die. In my opinion, this is the most important human need. Love is all there is and feeling connected to ourselves and our community can cause the rest of the human needs to emerge.

5. Contribution

Once we have our basic needs met, it’s impossible to stay happy without giving back and adding value to the world. Anyone you know who’s “made it” and is happy, is happy partially because they are also contributing and being of service. Being of service and contributing even when we don’t have all our needs met can be an immediate conduit to health and healing.

6. Growth

If you’re not growing, you’re dying. Period, enough said.

What happens is that we can get too tied to certainty.

Many of my clients believe they are driven by love and growth. But what we’ve found out is that they are actually driven by certainty.

Subconsciously they can’t handle the uncertainty of following their dreams. So, our work is to show them how they value (not even consciously) certainty over uncertainty, growth and love. Then we reframe the question and I ask them “if you were love and growth driven, what new choice would you make?”

This awareness is a game changer.

Also, if a habit we have meets at least three of our needs, then we can become addicted to it. If we are always complaining about how our dreams seem impossible, this meets the needs of certainty (we are CERTAIN our dreams can’t come true), connection (our friends and family will tell us it’s okay and we can get love and consolation from them), variety (we can talk about this to everyone we know) and significance (we are the center of attention when we are complaining).

The aim of some of my work is to help people get an awareness of how they are getting their needs met in a backwards way and to invite them to not cherish certainty as much as growth and love.

If we want to grow and if we want to love we must step out into the unknown. This means letting go of the comfort of certainty and stepping into the fear (which isn’t real, remember) of uncertainty.

So, what’s driving you? Do you want to change it? Let me know: [email protected]



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Mastin Kipp is the CEO and Founder of The Daily Love. Take what resonates with you from the blog and leave the rest. Follow Mastin on Twitter here.