I Love You—and it’s No Concern of Yours

Imagine being so full of love that no matter how much you gave, there was always more than enough, and any love you received was just icing on the cake.

That’s exactly what happens when you learn to experience the pure unconditional love inside you–what I call Love for No Reason, the kind of love that doesn’t depend on another person, situation, or romantic partner.

My guess is that you’ve had glimpses of this state, those “peak love experiences”  when your heart was open and flowing, when you didn’t need anyone or anything to be different, when you felt a strong sense of well-being. Growing in unconditional love means experiencing this more and more of the time.

While writing my latest book, Love for No Reason, I put this new way of looking at love to the test, using it in a difficult emotional situation with my ex-husband, Sergio. Even though I was no longer living with him, I still loved him dearly and deeply missed his presence in my life.

One day, hanging up the phone after a conversation with him, I felt the pain and loss of not being together anymore. Even though I knew our parting was the best for both of us, I was feeling so much love for him and my heart was aching with longing for him.  I felt as if I had to shut down the feeling of love because I thought it would hurt too much.

Okay, I thought, I’m writing this book about Love for No Reason. All the experts I’ve interviewed have told me that love is who we are and that I can experience that love inside myself whenever I want. Let me give it a whirl. 

Closing my eyes, I told myself, This feeling I have for Sergio—it’s my love. It’s coming from me. So I’m going to just sit here and feel it.

And I did. I really let my love flow, savoring the sweetness of that experience in my own heart. If my attention started focusing on Sergio and the fact that we weren’t together, I’d gently bring it back to my experience of love. That love was coming from me – it was mine.  I could feel it regardless of who was with me or not with me.  And it actually helped a lot. Normally, the pangs of loss and sadness would have stayed with me for hours, but within five minutes of just letting myself feel my own love for no reason—I felt better.

This experience reminded me of something a spiritual teacher of mine used to say: “I love you and it’s no concern of yours.” When I first heard the phrase at age 17, I was puzzled by it, but now I appreciate its profound message. The love that we think is for anyone or anything outside of ourselves is really just our own love.

When you learn how to access Love for No Reason at will, instead of looking for love outside yourself, you’re able to bring love to every situation. You stop being a love beggar and become a love philanthropist, dispensing love, kindness, and goodwill wherever you go.

This simple but profound shift will create remarkable changes in every area of your life. It will improve your health, your relationships, and your success and satisfaction at work. Instead of feeling a little hungry all the time—for love, security, more stuff, more recognition, more everything—you’ll feel full and complete. It will affect how you show up in every moment. In fact, though your life might not depend on making this shift, the quality of your life does. When you live in Love for No Reason your world turns from black-and-white to dazzling Technicolor.

By Marci Shimoff.  Based on the NY Times bestseller Love for No Reason: 7 Steps to Creating a Life of Unconditional Love (Free Press, 2010) which offers a breakthrough approach to experiencing a lasting state of unconditional love—the key to lasting joy and fulfillment in life. Marci is also author of the NY Times bestseller Happy for No Reason and co-author of the Chicken Soup for the Woman’s Soul series.  To order Love for No Reason and get the bonus gift package free, go to http://www.thelovebook.com/ and follow Marci on Facebook.com/MarciShimoffFan.

  • missy

    Good Advice! And, I think you can still send someone love, even when they don’t love you back or, you can still love someone who is mentally ill (such as a family member), and EXTREMELY difficult to be around,you can still love them and its no concern of theirs!!!!
    Warm regards, Missy

  • This post was written for me. Im always amazed at how this happens. Just this morning I was praying and saying that I don’t feel like sitting down and thinking back on my ex with love. In fact I want to feel hateful towards him. That way I wont make the mistake of getting involved in a situation again that brought so much agony to my life. Then I opened my lap top and read this……

  • Sherry

    Awww Shevy, that must be so hard. But I find that anger only mask the real pain of sadness. In the past, what worked for me was just being. Letting go is a process. Some days are easy and then some arent, but you accept your situation and focus on where your going to be in a couple of months and that alone gives me the motivation, that I will be ok. You will be OK. Takes time and patience, but you’ll overcome it.

  • Chris

    I love this post, I love Marci Shimoff, I love me, I love you…. One of the most beautiful and simple descriptions of what I consider to be the secret of life. Just love.

  • Great post. I am so looking forward to reading her book!

  • Miriam

    Thank you for this post…the pain and loss Ive felt since having broken up with my boyfriend 6 months ago has become soo overwhelming. For just a moment after reading this, I truly felt that love… for ME. Thanks again, a real awakening.

  • Perfect timing! I’ve been struggling with what to do with feelings of love for an ex – I haven’t felt like it’s appropriate to express them, but this exercise of reclaiming that love for myself is an awesome tool. Thank you Marci & Mastin!

  • This was a much needed read this morning! I was just thinking this morning how much easier it’d be to let the love I have for my ex die and decay into hate. This posting has definitely helped me turn my thinking (and my love) around to better myself! Thanks so much.

  • Sarah

    Thank you for this post Marci. I have been struggling w/my emotions for my ex, and dealing w/the aftermath of going through cancer treatments twice in the last 3 years. Sometimes it all is just overwhelming. I stopped and sat back, and thought of all that I was thankful for, and the love that I have felt from complete strangers, and I have tried reflect that in my life, and what I do. Sometimes it is very difficult, but I have been trying. I am relearning how to love myself, instead of doubting and criticizing myself. Break-ups can have that affect on you. But I have survived, and I am here to tell the story. I can say that I beat cancer twice, and that is something in itself. I really was hit w/a reality check when I was diagnosed w/cancer, and it was hard not to hate my body for doing this to me. I had to learn to understand that it was beyond my control, and that it was up to me to get through it. With the love of my family and friends, and the love for myself that I had to relearn about, I made it through it all. When you love yourself , you can make it through anything, and be at peace with the outcome, whatever it may be.