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It’s amazing what comes up in meditation. It’s a deep process and it’s like The Uni-verse and my unconscious know exactly what to show me.
Lately, I’ve been having a lot of sadness come up. I’m not sad for any particular reason. But the feelings that are surfacing are coming up from the past. It’s like I’m face to face with unprocessed parts of my past. With this meditative process and my intention to live my life with more of an open heart, it seems as if I’ve ripped off some kind of Band-Aid and I have to heal these feelings.
My default negative go-to feeling is anger. It’s my emotional “home” when I get triggered. And, as I look back over my life, there are all kinds of people I’ve been mad at. I won’t name them all, but you can probably guess because you’ve felt this way about certain people in your life, too.
And something that came to me in meditation today showed me that one of the reasons I’ve been so mad and sad and holding on to this is because for a lot of my life, I didn’t feel seen. I didn’t feel like my emotional needs were getting met. And until recently, I had never had the training or ability to even know this. I didn’t have the vocabulary to be able to ask for what I need emotionally.
And as I was in meditation reviewing some of the many times I felt this way with different people in my life, I prayed and said, “God, please show me how to forgive myself for all this anger.”
And one of the things that came up was some old anger towards my parents for not knowing I had so many problems when I was first in L.A. (drugs and otherwise). It’s as if my inner child was waiting to be rescued by them. And this seemed to be a source of anger.
And then in a flash I was shown a time when I went to camp in my teens and had a horrible experience. I couldn’t call home, so I wrote my parents a letter and snuck in and faxed it to them at night. The letter basically said, “I’m having a horrible time here, please help me.”
Well, within 36 hours my parents had flown from Kansas to the east coast to the camp where I was and picked me up. They had come to my rescue. I had never felt so Loved. At that time, we joked that my parents were “FedEx” parents because they showed up faster than FedEx. It was an amazing moment. And I was remembering it in my meditation. And then I compared it to my anger for what happened in my early 20’s in L.A.
And I realized that they didn’t see my pain or try to help it because I never showed them. I kept it hidden. In guilt and shame. And I guess I had hoped they could be mind-readers and save me from myself without me having to say anything.
And then a thought or guidance came over me in my meditation, “Mastin, they couldn’t see you because you didn’t show yourself.” And I started to weep. How many times had I done this? With my parents and so many others.
Not showing my real self because of some kind of guilt, shame or insecurity – and then dealing with all the anger and sadness that followed because I hadn’t been “seen”. But I saw in this moment that if I wanted to or want to be seen, I must show myself. This awareness is totally in alignment with my intention to live with my heart open.
This last trip home for Thanksgiving, I showed up with an open heart and got to know my parents on a deeper level than I ever had before. And it was because I asked to know them. And they went there. It was so beautiful.
I’m not sure where this awareness will take me from here, but I’m excited to find out!
How can you open up more and show yourself today?
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