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In A Fight With Your Partner? Here’s How To Win (It’s Not What You Think)

Nicole MooreLast week I had an epic fight with my partner (yes, even love coaches fight sometimes).

It was the kind of all-night, knock-down fight that leaves you completely drained. 

And in the morning, I was seething with anger. My mind was on over-drive sending me thoughts left and right about how he was oh so wrong and how I needed to tell him that asap. 

But instead, I did something really radical….I CHOSE LOVE IN THE MOMENT.

Instead of ruminating all day in my head and sending a barrage of angry texts about how he was wrong (which is something that I would have done in the past), I stopped for a moment and asked myself this question: “What am I committed to?”

And the answer is BEING LOVE.

You see, I made the decision a long time ago to just love my partner to the best of my ability and to consciously create closeness rather than separation.

In that moment I recalibrated to love and remembered that I am completely in control of how I show up in my relationship, regardless of what my partner does. 

So, I asked myself…how can I choose love in this moment? And I decided that instead of creating a text war all day that would only leave us feeling raw and damaged, I was going to create art.

I grabbed a blank canvas and some paint and I decided to create a painting for my partner as an offering of myself as pure love.  As I engaged in the art of creation, my angry thoughts melted away and I returned to love.

And this was radical.  Because the ego-based thinking of the world tells us to play the victim and make everyone else wrong. It tells us that when someone hurts you it’s ok to hurt them back and that people deserve punishment instead of love.

When we are hurt, when we have a fight, and when the person we’re dating does something we don’t like, the normal tendency is to REACT, defend, justify and blame. And usually, the actions that we take action from in this place only lead to more separation and less love.

But here’s what I know to be true: If we can develop the capacity to RESPOND rather than react and choose love in the moment, we can completely transform our love lives. 

Think about it. How would your love life transform if you had the ability to choose love IN THE MOMENT?

What difference would it make if you were able to choose love in the moment during a fight with your partner and alchemize the conflict into even more love?

What if you could create fighting being something that brought you closer rather than farther apart? 

What difference would it make if in the moment on a date, you could choose to love yourself (and own your worth) instead of worrying about what they think of you and projecting an insecure energy that only pushes them away?

The truth is, the ability to choose love in the moment is THE RADICAL SUPERPOWER that allows you to create lasting love.

Without the superpower to RESPOND and choose love, you’re doomed to re-create the same relationship dramas and heartache over and over again.

It’s harsh, but it’s the truth.

So, what causes us to react in the same way time and time again even though it doesn’t bring us the result we want? 
The answer is: fears, limiting beliefs, negative patterns and stories that need to be released. 

Whenever we react versus respond in love, it usually means that we’re not actually in the present moment, which is where love resides. We’ve compared what’s happening in the present to painful past experiences and we react based on that, or we’re trying to protect ourselves from pain in the future.

Once we detox the negative conditioning that’s causing us to react, we free up space to respond, choose love and consciously create the love that we want.

What is one limiting belief, past trauma or destructive pattern of behavior that you could let go of today to make more space for you to respond rather than react in love?

What would happen if you decided that from now on you were going to choose love?

If you want to dramatically improve your love life, it’s the most important decision you can make.

Xo,

Nicole

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Nicole Moore, Love & Relationship Coach and founder of Love Works, which helps women unlock their hearts and create lasting love.  Nicole doesn’t teach women how to get love, she teaches women how to BE LOVE, so love flows to them effortlessly because it’s who they are. She helps women detox their love lives so they can create lasting love with her signature Save Your Love Life Intensive.

 

  • terrance

    Thank u Nicole…my partner and i are going thru a “break” to get ourselves together..shes a business owner nd i work as a contractor in the mortgage industry..whn she gets overwhelmed our relationship is the first thing to be pushed overboard instead of me being her leaning post…im pushed awsy which lesds to arguements and txt wars…nd bc im going thru somethings she says tht her love nd concern fr me nd my well being is a major part of her stress…she loves how much i love her nd how i luv her but she says tht she needs to get her hesd straight so tht she can give 100% into our relationship…so during our break..im doing all i can to become better at handling issues tht may arise in a relationship bc i want to love nd be loved by her for the rest of my life..i thnk u for this insight as it is not only helpful to women, but also to the men who truly luv, cherish, honor, nd respect the Woman tht God has blessed thm with..

    • Nicole Moore

      You’re welcome Terrance. I love to hear men really respect and honor women…it’s so important. :)

  • John

    It is so hard to choose and “be” love when you are in the middle of what seems at the time a war between you and your partner. Love is what I need to survive and get through my day it is a lot of work and I no through pain that it is well worth the effort. so I am willing to work at it everyday

    • Nicole Moore

      John, it’s hard at first and then it becomes easier as you practice choosing love more and more.

  • Michele

    Well said and timely. I sometimes dwell in the negative and can’t let to of what I’m not getting or how he’s not being enough. Every time I drop all that and enjoy what is real I’m so much happier. Art project, exercise, nature walk … Distracting me from reacting. Thx for the reminder

    • Nicole Moore

      MIchele, sounds like you’re already practicing being love :)

  • June

    Thank you. This message is incredibly timely for me. Even after twenty-six years of marriage I have so much to learn. Thank you, again.

    • Nicole Moore

      You’re welcome June. I’m happy to hear that the article resonated with you.

  • David H. Breaux

    Hi Nicole,

    What did your partner do when you offered the painting?

    With compassion,
    David H. Breaux

    • Nicole Moore

      David, he loved the painting :)

  • staceyrae11

    Absolutely incredible time Nicole- just beautiful! Much gratitude and many thank you’s!! I am new to your blogs, and couldn’t be happier to know you! Much love

    • Nicole Moore

      You’re welcome staceyrae11! Thanks for reading :)

  • JulieDaq

    It’s such a good reminder that NOTHING good is going to be accomplished when you’re in the space of throwing around angry words… it’s time to take a step back and get objective which can feel so strange in the moment, but it’s the only way things are going to move forward.