I remember when my teacher first introduced me to the idea of creating a bridge rather than a boundary. It was one of those “WHAT?” and “HUH?” moments. After all, I thought boundaries were a good thing; protecting myself from the hurt and pain of someone’s misdeeds.
In my very first Living Love class, I couldn’t wait to speak (and I do like to talk) about how proud I was of my recent feat, where I was limiting my time and energy with someone who simply didn’t get it! I told myself that I was “detaching with love.” Some of you folks may call these people “energy suckers.” They are so negative and “wrong” that we just don’t need to be around them. And we are so “right!” Right? No and yes.
I remember speaking to the teacher about someone I did not want to associate with anymore. I told the class about how proud I was of myself because I chose to slow down my visits and phone calls with the “vampire.” I thought this was self love. I thought I was being generous of spirit because I was not going to FAKE, anymore. I thought I was “right,” because my feelings were confirmed and validated by therapists, friends and family. I thought.
My list describing these “energy suckers” went something like this: rude, self-righteous, holier than thou, judgmental, liars, inconsiderate, users, insensitive, selfish, moody and mean. “I am over it!” I continued to draw my line in the sand. Much like dieting and eating my LAST burger and fries; we all know how well that works! I was a pro at building my boundary brick-by-brick with my thoughts.
But thoughts will keep you stuck on the hamster wheel of hell. Instead, tap into your heart’s knowing, where peace dwells. I was not creating peace with my thoughts. Building a boundary was not the answer. Being “right” was not worth it.
I had so much more to learn; and only being patient with my spiritual process was going to give me the keys to free me from my separateness. I could have run out of the class that night with my self-righteous tail between my legs; but no, my heart called me, ever so gently, to stay and LISTEN (Oh, that’s a novel idea).
I fortunately quickly learned about how I was the one who was choosing to be judgmental. I was not distinguishing who this person really was from who they were being. My addictions were triggered by this person’s actions, and I looked without rather than within. The teacher helped me see that I could create a bridge with the “energy sucker,” instead of a boundary (although, she chose to call them “awakening beings,” instead). A bridge? What in the hell is that, and what’s the point? They are never going to change.
Boundaries help keep ourselves and others boxed in. They do not invite growth. Declaring a boundary between you and someone else only feeds the ego’s need to be “right.” When we create a parallel with our so-called enemy, we are in fact building a bridge; no longer minding what they did or did not so. Crossing that bridge helped me create insight that caring and not minding are the keys to my own freedom. Whether the other person is willing to receive our love or not is none of our business. We will experience peace either way. This is the gift we give ourselves.
Forgiveness was the gift I was not willing to give. Being “right” was too juicy to give up. Until…
“If one does not forgive and heal, one will be forever chained to the experience and unable to know the joy of freedom, here and now. Since here and now is all we have, why would you want to attach yourself to a right/wrong mindset that can only bring suffering and further unhappiness?” -Cinnamon Lofton
Building a bridge requires letting go. We think that the other person needs to earn forgiveness, but the gift is really for ourselves.
“Unforgiveness is the poison you drink everyday hoping that the other person will die.” – Caroline Myss
This may seem drastic, but it is so true. We are often experiencing toxic fear, calling it love. Why Not? They deserve it. Our mind is ever so convincing. This begs the question, what became of Love in the name of Love?
We create boundaries because we have not forgiven ourselves for being someone’s victim and having given them power over our peace. The lack of compassion for others connotes the lack of compassion for oneself. When we are willing to remember that everything in our life is FOR our spiritual growth, we begin to transform our lives.
As I take a deep breath, I realize breath is life. Keep breathing.
With all my heart,