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Love is asking us to accept your worth!

February 14, 2013 by 47 Comments

mk_treesThere is a common theme that I am seeing throughout many of the responses in email and on the blog that is very prevalent in my life as well.

There is this notion that we feel we have to prove our love to other people.

One of the themes of my life right now is, “Love is not asking us to prove our worth, but to accept it.”

Many have written in who have said they had chosen to be in a relationship with someone who THEY KNEW from the beginning wasn’t the right person for them. Yet, they proceeded anyway, many times, to try to change the other person. I’ve been there. It’s a part of the journey we all must go through to be able to pick people, over and over again, wounding ourselves because we are trying to prove our love.

The bottom line is this: when we know and see our own value, we will attract people who do, too.

Where does this start? Outside of us? NO – within. We must claim it. And we learn how to do this by not getting our needs met and learning through pain. That is how we learn. And life is the opposite of school. In school we study and THEN get the test. In life, we get the test and then we learn.

So, let us set a new intention for our relationships: to honor and cherish ourselves and to no longer prove our worth, but accept it. Let’s step into letting go of people who do not see our worth, not because we are selfish, but because we now love ourselves enough to let go.

Do you have the courage to truly accept your worth today? In doing so, whom would you let go of? And whom would you welcome in?

As always, the action happens in the comments below. Leave a comment and join the conversation! The TDL Community thrives in the comments and it’s a GREAT place to get support!

Love,

Mastin

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Mastin Kipp is the founder and CEO of The Daily Love. Follow him on Twitter here.

Take what resonates with you in this blog and leave the rest.

  • Sindhujaa Kumar

    This is the DOMINANT theme of my life right now – stop proving, stop thinking & analyzing- and start living !

    Accept my worth. Accept and love what I am, what I will be, and everything in between. I’m enough- every step of the way.

    Mastin- your simple, straightforward way of expressing this message- really makes it sink in. Thanks much. The more I hear it from you, the better I feel. The better I feel, more magic shows up in life :)

  • dailysouthernsunshine

    Thank you so much for this post! I love it and the most important message of being courageous enough to love your own self the most.  “Do you have the courage to truly accept your worth today?” I do. And thank you. Today “I claim me.” Keep inspiring Mastin, it’s amazing!

  • Mbcastellon

    This was exactly what I needed to read today. Very powerful. Thank you so much and keep doing what you do!

  • Mateaktf

    i love you,thank you<3

  • Jadegreen39

    Perfect message for Valentines Day! I will spread your daily love message, this is so important! Thank you

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000392107784 Anita Richards

    Accepting my worth :: maybe it’s finally starting to happen. Still not willing to let anyone in though.
    Brightest blessings ~ happy Valentine’s Day everyone. :D

  • CecilieSadolin

    Beautiful Mastin, simple and very true. I truly appreciate your honesty. Also, a good remebering through the difficult times, we live and through living we learn. I’m so glad glad that I am not alone in this. All the best Cecilie

    • ane

      Cecilie, I am going through the same journey in myself right now. You are not alone. Good luck and bon courage!

  • Geishamc

    Beautiful! Thank you.

  • SLM

    Beautiful truth.

  • http://twitter.com/Tankawho Tankawho

    Thanks Mastin! Happy Love Day!

  • Tiffany

    I I love him, more than anything… but I know that he does not feel the same…. I tried to ignore his actions… but they are quite transparent… I choose me today! keeping all my love for myself and people who love me… I am worth it…Kindly, Tiffany

  • Drew

    AMAZING and beautiful… Thank you Mastin! LOTS AND LOTS of Love to you and Jenna today.. Talk real soon!
    Love
    Drew

  • http://www.are-you-there-kathleen-its-me-god.blogspot.com/ Kathleen Reynolds Chelquist

    Just yesterday, I was speaking to my mentor about this topic. Many shifts have occurred in my family and friends since I have begun to love myself. I began to stop people pleasing and giving with a hook to be accepted and loved. Although, I had no idea that I was giving with a condition. For years. But it was there… in every Birthday present, card, and favor. In the most subtle way, I was asking, “I am enough now, right?” I found that no matter how hard I tried (Key word being, “Tried”), I was never enough. Why? Because I did not claim it for my own. I was looking for it from people’s approval, awards, grades, and you name it. Then one day, I began to wake up to the truth…I am enough. And, so are they. Just for being born. But, many people did not like my change (Well, their EGO’s didn’t). They were used to me giving the BEST cards, presents, and dropping my life and run to the rescue. Now? I give gifts I CAN afford to give. I can afford from my heart. If I have an ounce of, “You better give me a card too at Christmas,” I won’t send the card. And guess what? I have never enjoyed the pleasure of REALLY giving…until now. Just yesterday, I dropped off a Valentine’s Gift to my father in the mailbox. He recently cut me out of his life (In the blog…”Laugh, Surrender, and Dance in the Rain). I gave my dad a gift from my heart without ONE expectation. He may not even open it. I am peaceful, free, and happy. I love myself. Unconditionally. 
    Happy Valentine’s Day!!!
    The Daily COmmenter,
    Kathleen
    are-you-there-kathleen-its-me-god.blogspot.com/

    • Faith

      Kathleen, I find what you say astonishing in some ways  because up until now I never realized that my need for acceptance was tied to the gift.  So even though I said that I didn’t expect anything, what I was doing was buying their love.  At some point I, too, stopped giving the gifts and everyone became upset because they expected them.  Quite frankly I was tired of getting and never receiving, of being taken for granted.  It’s amazing how life happens.  I’m grateful for your post.

      • http://www.are-you-there-kathleen-its-me-god.blogspot.com/ Kathleen Reynolds Chelquist

        Thanks Faith. Yeah, I was astonished too when I woke up to my hook. It was so subtle. And, there. Giving from my heart has been my greatest gift to myself. It is in REALLY giving that we receive. Once I knew the difference in my CORE, I haven’t looked back! Good for you and your courage to look at this. Most people I know give with a hook. Most of us are programmed to love conditionally, so be gentle on yourself. Soon, you will create so much fun and energy in giving again. This time…a REAL gift! With much appreciation for your comment and willingness to dig deep, Kathleen

    • http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/ Sarah Noel

      I had a friend in high school teach me that a gift isn’t expected to be repaid.  A very valuable lesson that I’ll be forever grateful to her for teaching me.  The event in high school was something like she loaned me $5.00.  I eventally repaid her, a few days later, but it was then that she said I didn’t have to, since she GAVE me the $5.  Such a small event, but such a huge life lesson that has stuck with me, now 20 years later! 

      I see my mom do this all the time though and I WISH she’d wake up and realize.  She’s VERY generous… too much so, imo.  She gives what she proabbly shouldn’t (money and time), and often expects something in return, at a later date.  She totally believes the thought line of “I did something for you…now you should do something for me.”  It’s caused some friction b/t her and I (and my sisters and her) over the years.  She used to make me feel guilty, like I was a bad person for NOT doing more for her and NOT giving back more.  Not that I’m a bad daughter…I think I’m a really great daughter.  I haven’t gotten into trouble or caused her stress by my actions.  Yet, I have so many memories of her “losing it” (literally screaming and crying at me) b/c I did do ______ (whatever it was she expected me to do).  Now I have come more into my own power and not let her have so much control over me and how I feel about myself.  If SHE wants to do something for me, like buy me a shirt (which she does somewhat frequently and totally randomly), I’ll accept it, but I will not longer accept the obligation that I HAVE to do something for her now. 

      I believe in giving to GIVE.  Give b/c it’s from the heart, in love, not b/c you feel like you have to, or like you should.  THAT is not a true gift.  I don’t know if my mom will ever get it, but I have to remember she’s on her own path and learning at her own rate.  All I can do is what I can do.  Like you giving your dad the Valentine present.  I did read your “Dance in the Rain” blog post and loved it.  I love how you’re so open and raw.  That is when real growth happens, imo. 

      Sarah
      http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/2013/02/her-beauty-is-your-beauty-because-all.html

      • http://www.are-you-there-kathleen-its-me-god.blogspot.com/ Kathleen Reynolds Chelquist

        Thanks Sarah. What a wonderful lesson to learn in High School. I was too busy wondering what I was going to wear on Friday night…LOL. I spoke with my mom this morning and my dad never opened it. And I still created peace. I can’t imagine how much he is suffering, and I trust his path. I follow the 8th Pathway to a Higher Consciousness which may help you with your mom too” “I feel with loving compassion the problems of others without getting caught up emotionally in their predicaments that are offering them messages that they need for their growth.” I so wanted to SAVE my dad my entire life. If I am true…I was really wanting to save me. By receiving his approval. It meant everything to me. He was my GOd. Until now. And, I know he knows this. Not easy for me, and as I take a deep breath…I choose God. XO

  • Michelle

    Thank you Mastin!  This is a version of what I experience, but what I do is I will feel stuck in a relationship that I don’t want to be in because HE loves me.  It’s as if I value him more than myself…his feelings are more valid.  But just last night I ended a relationship because I was not in love with him.  It’s time to honor my feelings.

  • Jenn

    I’ve been dating a man for 3 months.  3 months in, he wasn’t ready to call us boyfriend and girlfriend.  So, I broke up with him.  Why?  Because he wasn’t letting me in.  He liked me a lot, but kept me at an arms length.  Nope.  Not going there.  I don’t have beneficial friendships.  What is that?  FEAR.  I’m not going to be with someone half way.  Its all or nothing.  Are you in or are you out? Why bother being with a person at all if you’re not going to let them in?  You can “not let people in” all by yourself.  Why invite someone else into your walled prison?  Great…so now you’re in prison together!  Sounds like a great time! 

    People are so afraid to love.  BUT…love is all we have.  Love is what its about.  I love myself enough to know, that although hes a great guy….his walls weren’t coming down.  I’m hurting now, but I’ll be ok.  Really, I feel bad for him.  What is he so afraid of?  Love?  Really?  You’re AFRAID of love?  So, the alternative is to be alone, in fear?  hmmmmm…..  This doesn’t quite add up.  Regardless, it felt great to stand up for me. 

    • ane

      Bravo, Jenn!

    • CecilieSadolin

      Great job, wise girl. :)

    • http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/ Sarah Noel

      That’s awesome you had the courage to stand up for yourself!  After I’ve been with a guy for 3 months I’m usually so invested, I need someone to literally PUSH me out.  Most of the time it’s the guy, for one reason or another.  I’m learning to stand up for myself.  Little by little, relationship by relationship. 
      Thanks for your comment and sharing!  It’s inspiring!  :)  

      Sarah
      http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/2013/02/her-beauty-is-your-beauty-because-all.html

    • Laurel

      Good for you Jenn ~ I like being ‘all in’ too.  Love is all we have!  Ditto on that.  

      AND being present just now, right now, right here. Yesterday doesn’t matter, tomorrow is not here yet. So, devoted time with my partner is just for us ~ no interruptions, no expectations.  Just the now! 

  • MySideoftheBeach

    “And we learn how to do this (seeing our value) by not getting our needs met and learning through pain. That is how we learn. And life is the opposite of school. In school we study and THEN get the test. In life, we get the test and then we learn…” Mastin, I love this! I am in a relationship where I am constantly trying to prove my worth. It has left me empty and searching.  Recognizing this, I see that much of this is my inability to accept myself as a valuable human being. My value was my action for other people. Now, through a life tragedy and a broken relationship, I see that I didn’t value myself at all.  Prior to what I learned by failing this “life test” I thought my value only increased if everyone around me felt good. Now, although it still feels selfish, I know I have to value me, first. 

  • Brixiewill

    First off, your words are amazing and I felt as though you were speaking directly to me. I have never written on a blog before but after reading your words I felt compled to express myself in hopes of releasing fear. I saw you on Oraph and recall one if the guests mention how the universe brings to you what you are seeking out. Clearly, i am seeking a more meaningful life full of love for myself. I have been in a 4 year relationship in which the past 2 and half year it has continued because of convenience and fear. Fear of being alone, fear of not being able to pay my bills without the help from this person. I know deep down I deserve better.I know i need more and I want to give more but then fear takes over and I convience myself that its really not that bad and someday things will be better but someday never comes.

    • I am!!

      I know exactly how you feel.  It is scarier to live with regret and the thought of the acceptance of apathy because we do not know our worth.  We know we deserve better, but are paralyzed by fear.   By expressing fear, you are acknowledging it.  Acknowledging fear is the first step toward change.  It is frighting….I know.  The more you learn to love and accept yourself, the more change you will see.  I have noticed that when I finally admitted how unhappy and fearful I was, I began to surrender.  That is when I began to grow.  I began to attract people, that became teachers.  I still feel fear, however, slowly it is overcome by love.  Hang in there you are in the right path.  

  • vMichelle

    Yes, yes and YES!! I went thru a HORRIBLE breakup (well, I was engaged and ended it) and after so many months of pain and anguish bc I was trying to understand why it didn’t work out, I realized that it wasn’t supposed to. My sadness was misguided bc I was yearning for something that wasn’t for me. Honestly, the really sad part was that I still wanted someone who never really appreciated me in the first place. God led me to a place where I was able to see that I could let go of the pain and hurt as soon as I was willing to see myself as I truly am and have been created to be. So I have started on a new journey to discover my worth in ways that are meaningful, honest and valuable TO ME! Thanks for the post today, it is right on time;) 

    God bless!

    • Autitania

      Michelle, I read this and read your post and I feel we are mirrors.  I too just got out of an almost two years relationship, and 9 month engagement. I was living in a house with my fiancee – signed a three year lease etc.  He was my first love, first heart break, first just about everything.  Looking back, I now see there were warning signs from the beginning.  He never could love me for me. I too wanted to change him, but not in a controlling way – I wanted to make him love me more.  I know he loved me, and probably still does – but he will never be a mature, committed, supported, honest man I need. When I’d get insecure – it was my fault, he’d yell. We’d yell more than we’d talk.  I’m arts and he’s cars – while I would try to do his things, it was never enough.  

      What made the past month really hard, and still hard. Is in the last big fight he even said the problem is not that I don’t love you. I did love you and still do…yet he’s 34 and moved in with a 23 year old girl  (who he swore during a make up was just a a friend).  Deep down I know even though he said I love you to her, he does’t know real love…how can he he doesn’t love himself.  Even after all of this, I was like you trying to make him love me the way I need to be loved.  

      It’s a rough road, but I agree with you and Mastin that I am having to remember that I am love and I am lovable for just being me.  And while I do love myself, it’s a hard journey but one worth taking. You are right – nothing is more valuable than ME!

  • Cniezzi

    I needed this today, thank you so much!  I am finally begining to love and accept myself and see my worth, but on Valentine’s Day it is a little hard.  I get lonely, but now I realize I would rather be alone with myself, then with someone who does not deserve me.  Happy Valentine’s Day!

  • Izzimu22

    It took me quite a while to realize my own worth and that all the break-ups and make-ups in the universe would not bring me true love. In truly loving myself first, I attracted the most beautiful person into my life. I know that he cares about himself first, and that he loves me genuinely. Even distance cannot stop us. I make a point of telling myself each day how much I love myself. Life is so beautiful ever since and I really feel love everyday without another person having to show me that they love me because I love myself.

  • Rguy65

    Very relevant to me right now. I recently ended a 2 yr relationship with someone who i knew from the beginning wasn’t a match for me but i stayed in it.

    I started a journey and i can say i’m happy right where i am in this moment. Life is awesome because i discovered my worth and value again!

  • Anzmail

    I know this very well first hand. I was in a dysfunctional relationship for 20 years. I got in when I was 17. I knew we would never work from the 2 week we started. Back and forth 20 years and getting married 11 years ago ON VALENTINES DAY! I remember looking into his eyes during the vows and thought, this is a mistake and only wondered when it would end. During the relationship he gained a drug addiction, and me an addiction to alcohol. Now, flash forward, my divorce was finalized in December, I am in control of alcohol (stopped since December) exercise. He did have a hand in the love of my life, my daughter. It took the true love I had for my daughter to truly end this addiction i had with him. We are both better for it(he quit drugs also FYI) I use to be really sour on Vday and all these years, always trying to prove my worth and love to someone that couldn’t see it. I am so happy now, my heart vibrates with the beauty around. I am not worried about finding love, because I already found it in myself. I am hardheaded and needed this time to get where I finally am today! Happy Love Day!

  • Em

    I have to say that I’m really disapointed in men. There I said it. I could try & fluff it over and harp on about where I’m trying to be, but in honest to God, I’m so disappointed in 98% of the men I have met or gotten to know. I feel they are the weaker sex who trail along being lead by the pull of their loins. Or really fearful. I will meet someone, go through all the motions of hope & potential of this person being someone I’d love to take a chance with then boom. I find something that is a deal breaker. The hyper sexual ex girlfriend(s) that filled the void, or were just for fun. Or maybe an attempt to be serious. The quick fix for the ego or heartbreak. The predictability, the slow to mature. The man married to his job. The trust issues I feel flare up & I decide that nope, just can’t do it. Read a stack of books & search to find ppl who are not like that but they seem to be rare. The it’s ok to sleep with pros & sleep around. How many ppl comment about their love, there seem to be more stories of cheap than real. I hate to be a negative Nancy but yes, this is what I have experienced, I hope my view point turns around, but this is my 6th year in a row of being single on valentines day, and yes I love myself enough to not throw myself into a relationship that is not healthy or what is really true. I always find with the men I meet, if the role of sleeping around as my right was reversed, that I would surely be judged & their is definitely a double standard here so I don’t do it, but there has been plenty a time where I have not valued myself and wanted to do the same, but as a woman, have always been told to circumspect before making a decision, which I find is nit the same for men.

  • 2yoshimi

    You are right about the pain part. It hurts to not let other people hang their shit on me and graciously and gratefully give it back to them. It only hurts because I have lived from the outside in all of my life and now knowing my heart and confident in who I am, new behavior is emerging. Growth and change hurts sometimes. But, oh, what freedom lies past the pain! Thank you and Love. 

  • Faith

    Well, this is overwhelmingly who I am.  I’ve spent my life trying to PROVE to people that I am worthy of love, that I’m good, etc.   We attract to us who we are in our lives at the time and if you don’t love yourself, people who have bad intentions can see that.  Those are the people that I have drawn into my life.  Now as I attempt to rebuild, as I attempt to climb out of the crusty crevices in my mind, I realize that.  In order to love yourself enough to not have to prove anything, you have to learn to trust who you are.  You have to step into that person and let go of all the expectations that people have put on you your entire life.  THAT is not an easy thing to do, at least not for me.  Sometimes though God steps in and does it for you which is the case for me.  Why?  He knew that I would NEVER do it.  That is some AMAZING GRACE!

  • pb

    What a powerful message. Happy Valentine’s Day. 

  • Prettyterp4

    I just finished reading Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages. I understand approaching relationships from a place of worthiness, but people give and receive love differently. Maybe someone who really loves you will try to express their love in the way you most readily receive it. Doesn’t it take some level of understanding to get to that place?

  • Sara K

    I like the analogy of “In school we study and then get the test, in life we get the test and then we learn”. How true is that?!!! I am so stubborn sometimes… It takes many, many tests for me to learn what is set before me. But I make a conscious decision beginning today that I will look at each situation based on my worth, not on someone else’s need. Great post, and as always in perfect timing!

  • Dani

    I was in a relationship for 3 months with a man who I found out a few weeks into our relationship suffers from bi-polar.  As I said, I was aware of this, but thought it hadn’t been a recurring thing in his life, as he said he hadn’t ‘needed’ medication for over 3 years… Everything was going along fine between us – probably too fine – within those 3 months I had met his family, his daughter and he had met most of mine… then one day…. STOP! Nothing…. He became distant…. He sent me a text message (a month ago now) saying he wasn’t sure he was ready etc etc and I haven’t heard a word since…. Instantly I wanted to help him… I spoke to my friends, family and asked my psychologist about this behaviour… She informed me just how typical this is of Bi-Polar sufferers…
    Thank you Mastin for this article today…. I see that I would have sacrificed myself and my happiness to ensure that this man I fell in love with, had his mental health and his happiness and I know it would have been to the detriment of myself and my 4yr old son…
    I love this man… but I will now let him go…  in order to love myself and treat myself the way I deserve to be treated!!

  • Kerry

    This was my answer. I have been debating on texting my ex, as today would of been our 9th anniversary together, he left in august 2012. just to let him know that i do be remember things. they may not be what was said 6 months ago, or a trivial argument, but something important  like our anniversary. But then I read this, and it was my answer, I need to let go. Accepting that I am worth more than hanging onto him. And by doing this I am honoring myself, because I am worth it. He would never let me all the was in, he would never talk to me, let m feelinge know what he was thinking or feeling. I do love him,he is a great guy, and  but not enough to live together alone.
    This has been so hard on me, and more so that it seems not to bother him, or hes not showing any emotion. I dont know what he is afraid of, and may  know, but life goes on.    And  I WILL BE OK! I feel bad for him, because I was the best thing he ever had. And I hope some day he realizes that, just what he left.

  • Diane

    I have let go of people who weren’t good for me. I have many good friends but have not been in a romantic relationship for over 5 years. I don’t expect to be in one again. I am learning to accept that and be happy anyway. 

  • Azaralea

    Thankyou Mastin and all! Plus Happy Valentines. Great post today. I know need know my worth and think have all heard it. But can hard actually Doing It & Feelin It. Rally Learn from a destructive relationship and patterns that seem to stay w/. Been very challenging to change and always wondering why. I more get anger and dep. aabout. Decided yesterday for lent (not religous) I would give that up for 40 days to move forward, positive. Need to respect, honor myself and set strong boundaries for my worth. Hope and pray for us all to get the love and respect we deserve~

  • Msjenny2008

    I have a friend who had a baby about a year ago with a man she was on and off with for 10 years. The baby was to fill in this emptiness. I really do not like going without and learning through pain because others suffer too. It takes a baby but I think she is learning value. The man of course left her for other woman and now it she is right back to where she started. Let the classroom begin….

  • Jsche

    Mastin and Jenna,  The Art of Love interview was the best so far.  Feminine and Masculine concepts are fascinating.  Nice getting to know you personally.  Thank you for all you do.

  • http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/ Sarah Noel

    This post was meant just for me.  Lol.  Nearly ALL of my relationships went on longer than I knew was right.  Some guys I was with for months and knew from the second date that they weren’t the one for me.  Yet I tried to “make it work.”  I wanted HIM to want ME.  I didn’t listen to the fact that I didn’t really want him.  I didn’t even want me at times.  So I felt the need to “prove” that others want, like, and love me.  That would prove my worth to myself.  Or so I thought. 

    I am valuable.  I am worthy. 

    Two sentiments I did not believe for over 30 years. 

    Now that I’m fresh out of my most recent relationship (just broke up with my bf who I’d been with for 2 years, just a month ago).  I feel great!  I learned a lot in that relationship.  I’m hoping I’ll be able to retain what I learned and apply it to my next relationship instead of making the same mistakes that I’ve made over and over up until now.  Only time will tell…. 

    I AM valuable.  I AM worthy. 

    I’m finally starting to believe that. 

    Sarah
    http://beyouliveyourdream.blogspot.com/2013/02/her-beauty-is-your-beauty-because-all.html

  • debbie williams

    my worth… I live on 9000.00 dollars a year You asked for half of that to attend your Maui experience. I live on the Big island. I do n0t believe you have any thing more to offer than Jim Bakker did.