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Maybe THIS is why they get under your skin – and why that’s rad for you!

mk_treesRelationships – they come, they go – some stick with us for a whole lifetime – others are around for just a lesson in time. Same thing goes for partnerships, too. And many times, we miss the message of the relationship or partnership and continue to create the same thing over and over again with new people.

And we end up asking the same ole question, “Why did this happen to me… AGAIN!?”

Well, finding out the answer to that question isn’t as easy as one blog post on The Daily Love. However, I do want to share with you a very interesting insight that might take some of the resentment out of your current relationships and, perhaps, shine a light on previous ones.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – one of the core tenets of TDL is that RELATIONSHIPS ARE CONTAINERS FOR GROWTH. If you grow, learn and otherwise evolve from any relationship you’re in or you’ve had, it’s not a failure!

One of the ways for us to grow while we are in or striving for a relationship/partnership is this:

Whatever you admire, Love or look up to in someone is a part of yourself that you have not yet cultivated that is asking to be called forth. Basically, what you see in someone else is yourself seeing itself and wanting to be cultivated.

That is to say, what we Love about other people are parts of us that we haven’t yet discovered.

It’s a little heady, which is why I said it three different ways!

So – if we do not cultivate the parts of ourselves that we admire in others, we can start to build resentment and anger toward them. This explains why, in the beginning of a relationship, we Love certain qualities about someone, but later on, we end up resenting the same qualities.

They go from being so “artistic” to “crazy and never on time” or they go from having a great “work ethic” to “never having enough time for me.” This isn’t a blanket statement though. It’s something to check in with your intuition about.

What do you, or DID you Love/admire and adore in your partner that now really pisses you off, or gets under your skin? This doesn’t have to be for just a relationship; this could be for a business partnership or a friendship, too.

What did you admire about them in the beginning? Or is there a role model or celebrity out in the world that you Love? What about them is so awesome? What qualities about them make you come alive? Realize that you possess that SAME quality and it is asking to be expressed.

So, if you want to find more balance in your relationship, partnership or friendship, try this out.

Each person makes a list about what they admire about the other person. Make the list, check it over and then share it with each other. Then support each other in becoming what’s on that list.

If you love how creative the other person is, how will you develop your own creativity? If you admire how hard they work, can you step it up in your own life? Doing this will help us grow and help our relationships find balance again. And hopefully we will stop being mad at other people for what we haven’t created yet in ourselves.

As always, the action happens in the comments below, leave a comment and join the conversation! The TDL Community thrives in the comments and it’s a GREAT place to get support!

Love,

Mastin

P.S. Start 2014 off with heart! Join us in for our deep and powerful “Enter the Heart” evenings, full of Kundalini Yoga, Heart Therapy and a new opening to connecting to who you really are. Tickets will sell out, so don’t sit on it.

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Mastin Kipp is the CEO and Founder of The Daily Love. Follow him on Twitter here.

Take what resonates with you in this blog and leave the rest.

  • Claudine

    This is soooo true! I am in the process of starting a business and I so resent those around me with successful careers etc…..

    • The Daily Love

      Claudine, thank you for commenting! Best of luck with the business start up!!
      -Team TDL

  • Samanthor

    This is an interesting viewpoint, and i suspect is very true! My question is, if you fix, improve, acquire the thing that you admire in your partner, will you still need the relationship/partner? Especially if it’s in a rocky place to begin with? What if you don’t want to end that relationship but fix, or improve it?

    • The Daily Love

      Good questions, Samanthor! If we feel that a relationship is a necessity, then it is possible that by developing that which we admire in others then we will no longer need that person. At that point the relationship becomes a choice. As far as fixing or mending a relationship, we believe the best way is simply through communication!!! Hope this helped, and thank you for reading!!
      -Team TDL

  • Gil K

    I like this blog a lot though I’m not sure I agree that we love and admire things in others that we imagine we lack in ourselves somehow. There is a very old spiritual adage that says: “We cannot love nor hate anything in others that we don’t see in ourselves.”

    I do believe that we fall equally and infinitely more often in love and admiration of things in others that de DO see in ourselves. And when we enter into partnership with someone with those qualities we create powerful synergy. We get to be seen and admired by someone who is able to see those qualities in us, not because of a lack in them, but because they also see them in themselves. That is a most uplifting feeling: to feel acknowledge by a peer.

    Also I believe that we can admire qualities in others that we manifest in a lesser amount in our lives. I cannot admire someone’s work ethics if I don’t, in any way, have worked to have those in me. That person gets to inspire us to be more of what we have the seed to be.

    In rare cases someone can actually help us discover something we have not yet realized we had the seed to be. That’s an A-Ha moment. It was there all along and we had no idea! As Mastin wrote: “Realize that you possess that SAME quality and it is asking to be expressed.”

    On the other hand we can’t dislike something in others that we don’t see in ourselves which is hard to see and acknowledge. Gossiping, sarcasm or procrastination anyone? Or something that apparently directly attacks some need or brokenness we have. I am super extra punctual because when I was 8 my mother was late to pick me up from school. I panicked and vowed never make anyone else wait for me. So in this blog I think that creativity and lack of punctuality are not related to changing from admiring to attacking. Those are separate traits. We choose to see the ones we like when we fall in love and the ones we don’t when we feel like falling out of it.

    I don’t believe we admire out of lack but out of recognition and inspiration. I believe that admiration gone wrong is a fruit of comparing and competition and feeling less than. That’s where, in my view, attack on a former admired trait might come from. I value my work ethics but I don’t always live up to them fully, so I might feel threatened and attack someone uncompromising in their ethics as rigid, out-of-sync with the times, arrogant…

    In either case I love Mastin’s suggestion of creating and sharing admiration lists. It can be very healing and love fostering.

    • Irena

      Gil, thank you so much for your very articulated point of view. This is exactly what was crossing my mind while I read today’s post- we admire in others what is already developed in us within AND this is why we are able to see it in others, not the other way around. And yes- competition with others of the same quality may bring resentment.
      Also, I noticed that sometime people who have some (good)qualities which I don’t, not inspired me but quite opposite, I feel inner resentments toward those qualities in them.
      What I learn from the situations like that( fortunately not happens often), that I judge myself for the lack of those qualities by not liking people, who has them, instead of accepting myself and others totally as we are and loving myself even without those qualities.
      I think the difference between admiration and not liking is from what part of ourselves we look at the given situation- if our highest qualities and nature involved- we see in others qualities of beauty, harmony and peace. If our lowest part speaking up- we compare and justify.
      Acceptance first of all of yourself and learning to love what IS are the answers to me.

      • Gil K

        It takes a huge amount of courage to admit that we resent others that have what we want. So right there you have done something incredible. It is also a very common human reaction to feel like that so you are not alone in your feelings. Just keep remembering that you are not your thoughts nor your feelings, but what you do with them. Thoughts come unbidden. Our actions are what we can control, and by those we define ourselves.

        Mark Twain said: “Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear— not absence of fear. Courage is not the lack of fear. It is acting in spite of it.” I believe that being loving is an act of courage, it is indeed the mastery of fear (or thoughts or hurt or pain, same things). It is to act lovingly IN SPITE of our pain, of our thoughts, of our fears.

        What I do when I start judging myself for a lower thought or feeling, is that I make sure to do one estimable act to reset my self esteem. I check on a friend that is sick, I schedule to do some volunteer work, help a someone at work, or just smile at every person I pass by on the street and send them love silently. And that’s who I become.

      • Lissette

        Whenever I see someone that has something that I wish I had, whether it is qualities, or a relationship, or an abundance of something I can start feeling a little resentful if I allow myself. But, what i have learned, by observation mostly, is that if people have more abundance than i do it is usually because they have really earned it. Maybe they have paid their dues and have gone to school more many, many years and have had to pay off a huge student loan debt. Or maybe someone has taken the time to really work on themselves and it has enhanced their relationship with a loved one, or enhanced certain qualities they have worked hard on. I try not to be resentful and jealous, but realize that I too can have that if I focus and work hard. Although I have lost a lot over the past 10 years, I still have hope that I will strive to gain it back again by once again working towards it. I am not saying it isn’t hard, but we don’t know what hardships someone else has had to get to where they are in their life.

      • The Daily Love

        Thank you, Irena, for responding to Gil and keeping up the discussion! Great reflections!
        -Team TDL

      • Guest

        Thank you for sharing, Irena! Yes, that acceptance is so key!! Glad you joined the discussion!!
        -Team TDL

    • The Daily Love

      Gil, these are really great points! Such an insightful comment. Thank you for sharing this with the community!
      -Team TDL

  • Diana

    This is a hard blog for me to grasp. When I think of the things I admire and love in others, that I don’t yet possess, then I can relate to this blog. I choose to see the good in others, yet I believe we all have a few less than flattering traits, what I don’t get is, then are these are the traits I want to cultivate in myself? This is a very timely blog, something to chew on …

    Gil ~ your post is a wonderful perspective on this. Thank you for sharing.

    • The Daily Love

      Diana, thank you for reading and commenting! You know, it seems there probably isn’t really a correct answer to your question. So, yes! Definitely something to chew on and just to be curious about.
      -Team TDL

  • Carlos

    In my past I resented lots of things in others. I compared myself to others in my age group right out of high school and through college. Even into my years as a married person and a family man. Life teaches and I learned acceptance. Myself included. That benefited me tremendously. After my divorce and estrangement from my 2 adult children, it dawned on me that relationships aren’t guaranteed to exist forever. I grieved my loss for the better part of 5 years and I still find myself grieving. But it’s a healthy grievance. An abundance of grown is taking place. I don’t think I will ever understand it but I don’t have to. What I can do is be the best person I can be today and every day I am given.
    Lovingly,
    Carlos

    • The Daily Love

      Carlos, these are such empowering words!! The fact that you admit that you don’t understand and that that is ok, and that you don’d have to is such a great reminder for all of us!! Thank you so much for sharing with the community!
      -Team TDL

  • Uriel

    This post came at just the right time for me. I am crazy in love with my boyfriend. He is a very very free spirit which is one of the things I love about him but as Mastin said its also one of the things that drive me crazy about him. But if I am honest I also know that there is a touch of selfishness in his behavior and I don’t quite know how to bring this up with him. For example last night I really wasn’t feeling well at all and I texted him telling him that (which I believe in 2 years is the first time I have requested him to come over and nurse me) I told him I wasn’t feeling well, and that a back rub and cuddle would be welcome and would he like to sleepover. He just replied that I should bundle up and watch a movie like he was doing and that he had an early work day and was doing laundry and watching ice hockey. I mean I wasn’t dying or anything but I just know that in the future I want to know if he will be there for me when I am sick. How can I talk to him in general about being more available and open to me when I ask for him?

    • The Daily Love

      Uriel, first, thanks for reading and sharing!! Second, that’s a great question! We think the best way to go about that is exactly how you said it! Simply sitting down and bringing up your concerns making him aware is likely the best way! He may not realize how what he does affects you.
      -Team TDL

  • Guest

    Whoa… talk about resonating with me! I’m thinking back to past relationships, encounters, acquaintances, etc. to see what I loved about these people and later resented. Someone once told me, and I was just thinking about this the other day, that the things that you loved about someone in the beginning of a relationship, will end up getting on your nerves. Same principal. So true! Thanks Mastin!

    • The Daily Love

      We are glad you’ve found a personal connection in this post!! Thanks for reading!
      -Team TDL

  • Karina

    Mastin,
    I’m thankful for the timeliness of this post. Resenting others for qualities dormant in myself (and that long to be expressed) is only giving more of my power away. That which we resent in others is what we long to express in ourselves. We are all the ones we are waiting for. Thanks for the reminder.

    • The Daily Love

      Yes, Karina! You’ve hit the nail on the head!! Thank you for reading and sharing!
      -Team TDL

  • velia

    Wow. Mind is blown! Thank you for this timely article

    • The Daily Love

      You are welcome, Velia!! We are so happy that you enjoyed it!
      -Team TDL

  • Marie

    What I love about my boyfriend is that he is pursuing his dream career. I’ve been a public school teacher for 8 years and while I began my career with the best intentions, years of working under a politically ruled and misguided education system have left me feeling unfulfilled and consequently unhappy. The thing is, I’m not quite sure what else to do. I would begin a new career- I am interested in holistic health, yoga, etc., but I’m not sure where to begin and the reality is that there are bills to pay- I’m too old nor do I want to move back in with mom and dad! Any suggestions would be helpful!

    • The Daily Love

      Hi, Marie! You’re absolutely NEVER too old to pursue a new dream! There is always a way. Some yoga teacher training programs can be completed over the weekends. There are always options and other ways, the trick is finding them! Thank you for sharing!!
      -Team TDL

  • Kaysee

    Does this still apply to situations where you still admire that trait in the person and never resented it? For example, I had one ex that I really admired how charming he was and how he made his presence known in a room. Another ex, he was so intelligent, he would read my school books after I was done in a day. A girlfriend I had a few months ago was a comedic actress and she was so funny that I would pee myself laughing. I don’t speak or hang with any of these people–bad break ups or just grew apart, but I still look back at these traits of theirs and smile. I am a shy introverted individual, maybe these are qualities I wish I had.

    • The Daily Love

      Kaysee, those may be qualities you wish you had, but its wonderful that you’re able to love and appreciate those qualities!! And that’s really the best way to be!! Thank you for reading and commenting!!
      -Team TDL