Whew! So glad yesterday is over!. . . I really put myself through a lot and I was miserable for a good part of the day!
Brief recap of my made-up drama: I began my morning by making an honest mistake (and nobody died, or was hurt… it really wasn’t a big deal–lol!…), and then my super evil mean inner self started screaming at me inside my head all day long. You know, the hater voice that tells us we are so stupid, wrong . . . and should be perfect?–not humanly possible. She (my mean inner self happens to be a girl) SERIOUSLY WOULD NOT SHUT UP!
Anyway, GUESS WHAT?
I pretty much filtered everything all day long through the lens of “I’m a screw up” and I misinterpreted a lot of good stuff that was going on around me. I took things personally that were not personal, I continued to beat myself up in my head, and things got worse and worse until by late afternoon I could feel all the energy drain out my feet; I was completely exhausted.
I know that I create my own reality, and I’m learning that I am the one in charge of creating meaning around the events in my life. In other words, I can choose to step out of my made up drama, breathe, and put down my story. For some reason, though, this can be more difficult on some days than others, and today was definitely in the “more difficult” category. The go(o)d news is, that I never used to realize that is was a choice, but I do now.
That mean inner self is a total bully, and I don’t quite know what to do about her. Funny thing, the awful stuff we tell ourselves . . . cuz I know she’s really mean & she’s, well, me. Where did she come from? Where do we learn to look at ourselves through such critical eyes, with such disdain, with so much pain?
I have a few ideas. Sometimes, when we are kids, the grownups want us to be different from who we are, or “perfect,” and they say mean stuff like, “Who do you think you are?” or, “You should be ashamed of yourself!” or, “What’s the matter with you?” And, I suppose I’ve internalized this voice . . . but I’m done with that. I know now it was never about me, and that these were projections of fear and control–so it’s a go(o)d time to take my power back and stop blaming the grownups for who I am now. That takes time, and healing, for sure . . . and forgiveness, but it’s all in Go(o)d time.
How do we make friends with the icky mean parts of ourselves?
Maybe I’ll. . .
- yell back at her or write her an eviction notice . . .
- spread rumors about her and kick her off the lunch table . . .
- pretend she doesn’t exist and ignore her . . .
- tell her she is fired . . .
(but all this stuff is being mean, too . . . and that’s NOT me) AAARGH!
- invite her to play retro-hopscotch and ask her how she’s doing (I think I’ll let her win!)
- share an icy cold mango smoothie with her, and listen to her story
- wrap her up in a blankie nest and read her Goodnight Moon
- write her a love note with a red sparkly pen and Hello Kitty stickers
LIGHT BULB IDEA: I wonder if she is the same part of me that criticizes and complains about other people? You know, the one that likes to be right, better, smarter, ______ (fill in the blank). Yikes…I think this is huge. I could probably get to know her a lot better… maybe I’ll start by giving her a smile and introducing myself.
Good thing we are all works in progress. What makes life beautiful is there’s so much to learn, and we are presented with just the right teachers when we are ready . . . I’m so grateful for my shadow girl–she’s not so scary, after all.
She’s just misinformed.
How do YOU make friends with your mean inner S(elf)? How do you make friends with this voice? Please leave a comment on the blog ‘cuz we all need ideas with this one, for sure!
Lots of Love,
# # #
Dana Lynne Curry, Ph.D., has been teaching middle school English (with no low bun) for over 23 years. She is a gReaT-fuL Writer, Storyteller, Teacher, Student, Irreverent GoofBall, Blogger, Servant, Philosopher, Spiritual Collagist (is that a word?), Mama, LoVer of LiFe! Find Dana at funfreeME or on Twitter @funfreeMe1.