No seriously, choose people who are open to Love!

mk_treesChoose people who are open to love.

That’s right, I said it. Choose people who are open to love.

Sounds obvious, doesn’t it? Well I’ll be the first to admit that I have altered, changed, obsessed and thought about how to act around people I like so they won’t reject me. Another way of looking at this is: I stopped being ME to please someone else.

This is messed up in two ways:

1. I would abandon myself to make someone else happy (#fail).

2. The person I was pretending to be would be who the other person would like, not the real me (#fail).

So when we do this, and we all do, we let ourselves down and actually lie to the other person, too. So when we are finally our real selves, the other person is shocked to find out the truth.

The answer is simple, but not easy: be radically yourself.

Don’t abandon yourself to please another. Open up, be a dork (yes, I am projecting), be a little crazy, be sweet, kind, generous and all those things you wish to have in someone else.

You see, many times we hold back these previous things because we think we will turn off or offend the other person… But the truth is, we should be open and ourselves and celebrate when people reject us. Because they AIN’T open to our love.

We want someone who is open, willing and excited to receive what we have to give. Just like they want someone who is excited, open and willing to receive what they have to give.

The bottom line: don’t close down, shut off or tone yourself down because you think the other person will reject you. If they aren’t attracted to who you really are, then good, time saved and you can move on. Lingering in a false identity to get the approval of someone else is the ultimate betrayal of your personal integrity. We do it because we love approval from other people. The only problem is that we are building our house on a bed of sand. It will tumble eventually and the truth will be exposed.

So today and every day forward, let’s have no fear to be ourselves. Let’s make a pact to be radically ourselves and let the chips fall where they may. The right person will stick, but only if you have the courage, clarity and self-love to let go of the wrong one.

Be you out loud today. I dare you.

As always, the action happens in the comments below, leave a comment and join the conversation! The TDL Community thrives in the comments and it’s a GREAT place to get support!

Love from Maui,

Mastin

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Mastin Kipp is the CEO & Founder of The Daily Love. Follow him on Twitter here.

Take what resonates with you in this blog and leave the rest.

  • MeredithShay

    Also, when we are hiding who we are to pretend to be something else, it isn’t a guarantee that the other person is even attracted to the “pretend us.” That’s just a projection on our part. This aha-moment came when I finally let go of perfection, because I thought if I did things just so, then people would love me finally. It’s very freeing to be myself and have the right people accept me. Turns out that people loved me all along, but I was finally able to love myself because I showed who I really am. Thanks for the reminder about being who we are!

  • Corey Johnson

    It’s hard for me to get my head around this.  Primarily because I talk differently to my friends that I have had for a longer time then people I just met or strangers.  I will have deeper conversations and will also be a little more free with my criticism with  my older friends (not in a bad way but to the point).  I think we always have a “honeymoon period” in all of our relationships.  For instance – I am very polite to people that I don’t know (and not to say that I am not to my friends but it’s different).  I will open doors and say yes Mam and no Sir to a stranger.  I will make a point to say that I appreciate their help at the grocery store and smile and try and make them smile as well.  My friends I have had for a while – I don’t make these kind of attempts though I do try and make them smile in our own way and I am helpful to them and appreciate them and do let them know that.  For instance I will tell my friend that I love them and will make a point to help them when they have a project, folding clothes, doing the dishes, etc.  – but I won’t speak to them like a stranger – actually that would be rude.  I would never say yes Sir and yes Mam to them – that would be weird.  So what is the real me? 

    • c

      He is saying don’t pretend to be someone you’re not just to please others. Be who you are, dorky, serious, funny, etc. Don’t worry or think about whether someone will like you or not. The ones who like you will do so on their own and don’t need to be manipulated into doing so. That’s a genuine relationship. Usually, when we connect with someone, admire someone and we want their attention, we begin to do what we believe they might like so that they might feel the same about us. Mastin is saying to forget that. Just be you. If they don’t take to you then they weren’t meant to be in your life. Sometimes that’s difficult when we believe we want someone’s attention but just because we want it doesn’t mean we need it.

  • Mary

    Mastin, I asked God for a sign today regarding a family situation and I’m pretty sure your post is my sign! I am the primary caregiver for my almost 90 year old Mom, and have been for the past 17 years. I have 4 siblings. Although they hardly spend any one-on-one time with my Mom, 2 of my siblings have very strong opinions about what’s right for her. About 20 years ago my parents designated me as Power of Attorney for financial as well as for healthcare. Now at least one of my siblings is accusing me of “hyjacking” Mom and “deluding myself” into thinking that all of my wishes are Mom’s. I know by the tone of her email that she is not coming from love, but from fear. She also refuses to meet with me and Mom to discuss the issues. She doesn’t answer her phone when I call and ignored phone messages my Mom left for her. If I continue to act from love regarding Mom, I risk losing the approval of at least one of my siblings. What I realize now is that I don’t have her approval anyway. I have nothing to loose but the false pretense of sisterly love that she expresses toward me when others are present. I’ve been awake most of the night praying about this and asking for guidance. Thank you so much Mastin for your post. It was an answer to prayer!

    • L

      I think you are on the right track. Your sister’s reactions are alla bout her and not about you. I had to let go of my entire family because I wasn’t being allowed to be my true self around them. It was awful, hard, scary, etc. but I know in my heart what my intentions are in this life (love, authenticity) and that’s all I can control. You and your mom are in sync and I would say let the sister go, if she can’t handle it. You’re doing nothing ‘wrong’, she’s just threatened somehow. Good luck to you!

  • Michael Banka

    Always a pleasure to read your blog, with its life affirming insights. Today’s topic reminded me of one of my favorite songs, “All the Same,” by Sick Puppies: “I don’t mind where you come from. As long as you come to me. But I don’t like illusions. I can’t see them clearly… And I’ll take you for who you are. If you take me for everything. And do it all over again. Its all the same.

    It’s a great tune to me because, it speaks to honoring your life, by only offering your authentic self, and honoring the lives of others, by only accepting their authentic selves.

    Doing this is like any skill, hard at first, but with practice, it gets easier and eventually you gain mastery over fear, and it becomes who you are and what you do. I don’t always perform perfectly, and the point is, I don’t have to. In each encounter, I only need to be who I am, and I’ll gain something I need, and offer something someone else needs and everyone wins. Its a beautiful life we get to live, isn’t it?

    Blessings,
    Mike

  • anndrex

    I needed to hear this. I’m struggling with being myself when trying to date. I’ve being toning myself down so as not to offend or intimidate. It’s wearing me out. Thank you for an affirmation… So on point.

  • Marie-Helene

    Wow, thank you Mastin! So timely and how true. As Marianne Williamson said something close to: “If the train does not stop at your station, it’s just not your train. And if you try to stick to it, the right one can’t get to your station”. Being true to ourselves lets life follow its course and sets us free. Thanks for this inspiration today! 🙂

  • Mridu

    Mastin, I couldn’t agree more with this. I was living a complacent (and happy) life for many years and felt “fine”. But when I really put my butt on the line, put myself out there and started my new biz, I struggled greatly and was challenged — but felt (and feel) more fulfilled than ever. Thanks for the reminder. 🙂

    • Mridu

      Sorry, I was responding to yesterday’s blog…but was on today’s. oops! 😉

  • Kathleen Chelquist

    About 2.5 years ago, I was given a Birthday Card that read: “If you ask me what I came into this world to do, I will tell you: I came to live out loud.”

    When I am INTO something…I give it my all, and my enthusiasm can seem over the top. But anyone who really knows me, knows that I AM authentically…”over the top”…about it. Nothing false about my zest for the latest, greatest trend.

    But when I first discovered the truth about Love (which is the farthest thing from trendy), some people reluctantly thought, “There she goes again; this will pass!” I told myself that I had lost credibility, and started to dim my light.

    “But, no, no, no! This is not about house decor, facial products, or travel….THIS IS FAR BETTER!” “Yeah, Yeah…” was the ENERGY I received; sympathetically, patting me on the head with their eyes.

    I questioned myself shortly, but Thank God I had a mentor to remind me of the powerful spirit I really am (and WHO YOU really are). And guess what? I kept going. My devotion to LOVE has not waned; and I am “radically” myself.

    And some NOW know…I AM HERE to stay. And for those who don’t-watch me.

    The Daily Commenter,
    Kathleen
    are-you-here-kathleen-its-me-god.blogspot.com/

    • Carie Bean

      Yep yep yep! Great post!

  • HealthyG

    I am spending every moment reminding myself of this as I let go of the person I love.

  • Natalie

    My affirmation: Today I will be me out loud!

  • A ManWhoBrokeBothTheirHearts

    Thankyou Mastin for once again bringing some peace & real hard truths of acceptance. I am a 36 year old man who has offended repeatedly the one person in this world that was the love of his life. I have read so many articles saying that it must mean I don’t love her as I wouldn’t say such things? It was in fact the complete opposite she was my all, a woman I will say was that was more than my soul mate, my twin flame I believed & for me to push her away says much to how fucked up my fathers death has affected me(yes I understand I allowed it yet I’ve seen much death in my life but none affected me like him). I visited my mother today & even months later I’m still but a ghost to her as I looked like my father to the point she still speaks to me as like a yelling block. How many loved ones must I lose to be taught a lesson. I still don’t know why I said so many hurtful words…my soul is in so much pain my heart literally cry’s out in pain. A fool I am who was in so much pain from his father’s death & I at the time felt she abandoned me, not wanted & misunderstood & now only right now this very instant it was I who closed off & abandoned her….this is so hard o write this as tears roll down my cheeks as if waterfalls. I know people will say time heals all, life goes on & we will fall in love again. I’m not sure if I now will as I never wish to hurt another “love” again. I have done so much self help work, meditation, Yoga, running, gym, cycling, life coaching, clinical psychologist, volunteering & I just completed a white water challenge-139km kayaking in two days:).
    My dilemma is people see a confident happy successful man who(I’m being modest here no ego) does attract many women because I’m tall, ultra fit, intelligent etc. Not a funny man now though as the heart is heavy with much sorrow which spiritual souls see immediately funnily enough:) yet I am but an empty shell who pines for his love who he has but lost. I have freed her in a sense yet I cannot move on as I have not felt so for someone in my life. It’s amazing that 1 year with her was amazing when I once had a 14 year love life a couple of years before who never stirred such emotions as she did. I can never say sorry enough to her across the heavens as I pray day and night. I feel like Romeo as the doctor said if I don’t liven up I will die of a broken heart. Hahaha now that’s funny & ironic for maybe it is my penance to be so. I apologise for sounding so sad I am at a crossroads:)

    • Sweta Chawla

      Its beautiful that you are being so vulnerable with us. Do you think you can tap into the pain of your relationship with your father? His death pains you the most because his relationship affected you the most.

      My father was not an emotional man – I never saw him cry, barely when my mother died. They had an arranged marriage and fought the whole time that I grew up with them – there was no witness of love. He went right back to work after she died but just a short year later, My father died.

      They say when 2 souls are so close that’s what happens. I would have never described my parents as romantics.

      What I realized through my own healing work was that by acknowledging all the anger and pain I had from my relationship with my father that underneath it was this: I craved expression of his love my whole life.

      Through medical intuition and meditation I came into awareness that my fathers heart was actually more tender than anyones. Its just that his heart was so broken from his life experiences that he could not express or share but all his over protectiveness and crazy antics were his way of showing love.

      I did a forgiveness meditation and cure 20 years of debilitating neck pain from a car accident I had and was devastated by his reaction afterwards (i had not idea that was the source of my pain).

      I believe all the answers lie in healing your relationship with your father. I think then you will be able to finally express your love authentically for this woman or the woman you are meant to.

      • What A Difference Tonight.

        Thank you Sweta Chawla,
        I’m unsure here on my father as we were close, we hugged much as we were a real close loving family, did anything for each other, I even moved back home so I could spend as much time with him whilst he was alive. I even spent nearly $200k to save him, I’d do it all again as I became closer to him that I was ever. Yes he was a tough nut & I didn’t get on well with him when I was young as he drank to much. When he gave it up years ago, wow what a difference. I even wrote a poem for the paper in the death notices & I felt so honoured as so many people said it was the most beautiful poem about a loved one they had ever seen. Even the funeral owner said the same in all her 30 years she had worked there.
        I truly do not think it is him I’m sorry to say as I’ve mulled over this much & also with professionals. I think I’m just so sick of being nice to the women who I was in love with who I believe don’t know what the real meaning of love is.
        I say this sincerely. It’s easy to be a player, not care, open your heart, treat women like nothing, have a stable of them, etc yet that’s not and never ever will be me(I went wild after my 14 year relationship broke down which I didn’t even want to do yet it worked to get over her & was told by nearly every male I needed to do this & they are right it is how men move on & that’s probably why I haven’t with the ex. I did get carried away yet it was the first time as an adult I was single and carefree. A spiritual friend pointed out to me “How are you going to find true love again as you are caught up in the dating game & are enjoying the thrill of the hunt”. He was right & I stopped right then & there & from then onwards I only dated one woman at a time. I’ll not ever be going down that path this time & have abstained yet now I’ve just answered my own answer. I’ve many female friends who all know I’m celibate maybe its time to not be so high and mighty in my beliefs of something I have thought to be sacred.
        I’m an old school romantic who has always been a big believer in love & all it stands for. I had great awesome times with them yet when the going gets tough as in all of them we had very few arguments yet in todays society people are just finding it easier to run away, trade one in for another “model” and not actually work on love, whether it be counselling, looking at different ways of open communication, actually talk to their partners not their friends first & then talk with a biased view(I see women do this all the time & no offense) as love isn’t an easy thing all the time. No work is as life is meant to challenge us to inspire us all to greater heights.
        What a difference a day makes as funnily enough, you’ll laugh as I did…my friends had organised a wild night of celebration’s of “A New Beginning” so over 30 friends had organised limousines into the city where I live to a friend’s bar which luckily is one newest most popular bar in my city ATM called “The Stables”& WOW how humble & appreciative am I for not realising I still have many life ling friends who loving thought of a way to “kick start” the man I once was! It’s worked says this slighty intoxicated man who is sipping on a espresso martini night cap:) & I’m shocked for what they have done. People I haven’t talked to in a while & I realised it was me that disappeared when I was with the ex as she did consume me as she was a lot of hard work, worth it though but I ignored my true loves! My friends! They all kept warning me she wasn’t good for me yet love is blind & as much as people listen to their friends I don’t as otherwise our friends views which maybe good are normally always biased and construed by their own experiences & to say the right things to make us smile. Yet I was so depleted & wasn’t the “real me” so maybe they were right lol as I allowed myself to be walked over. I wasn’t perfect either yet I at least had “real life pressing issues” which only reinforced she wasn’t who I should’ve given my love to as she should have been there yet never was for me during my hardest lowest point in my life…maybe I was expecting to much yet I thought that’s what you do when you love someone? Anything as love is also about giving supporting not just your partner but their family as well?& My friends who I’ve known for eternity. as I have finally closed a chapter in my life with my ex-partner thankfully. As much as it pains me to say it, it’s for the best & for my sanity.
        This surprise party for me tonight is actually what has allowed me to admit what I’ve been stuck on. To be happy they are gone for are revealing who they really are? Why would we want to pine and chase a person who wasn’t there for you in the times when we need love most? They are helping me in a sad way by saying they were never deserved of my love & have saved me much emotional distress for they would have only done this done the tract just like she did to all she was with lol.
        Thank you Sweeta as I’m never mentioning her ever again as then she sill be but a distant memory that no one should ever endure. Wow I cant believe I just said that. A post of many self revelations. God bless you for allowing me to see the light. Never again shall I write so long either lol. Thank you thank you 🙂

  • Carie Bean

    LET YOUR HEART SHINE! SENDING EVERYONE A SMILE!

  • This is the reason behind so many failed relationships. In the beginning people are on their “best behavior”, not realizing that what they’re doing is deceiving the other person and setting themselves up for inevitable crash and burn. I’ve been on both sides of this situation, and it has never ended well.

    Though it definitely does take courage to allow yourself to be yourself, no matter what. Sometimes we get so blinded by loving, or wanting love from, another person that we really do forget who we really are, and it sucks. But the most beautiful reward is being exactly who you are and realizing there ARE awesome people out there who will love you for it, and that is the kind of love built to last.

    xx Alixandrea

    http://www.engineeringtheepic.blogspot.com

  • guest

    It may be even harder when you are the one who feels like you want to do the rejecting but can see through your own actions, and know that you are not being open to love, that maybe this is genuine love right there in front of you, but you can’t just fake opening up… my intuition tells me the guy in my life is amazing, but my emotions are not there yet. Part of me has already opened up completely and the rest just can’t… wants to criticise, thinks he’s a bit dorky, and so on. What then?

  • Oh man, I so relate to this! In fact, I’ve recently wrote a blog on this same topic. I am a very quirky person and since moving to my current city, I often feel like I am ‘too much’ for people and at times, it has caused me to smother who I really am….in the end, it doesn’t get you any farther ahead, believe me. In fact, I was in a depression and this was a huge contributing factor. If people can’t accept us for who we are than chances are, they also have issues accepting themselves! Another great article!

  • Former Ms. Fix-it

    I have done this, too, but more often I have chosen someone who wasn’t open to love because they were wounded or just shut down. I would then make it my project, no, my mission, to pull, push, prod, cajole, “help”, “heal”, “fix” them out of where they were so they could then be there for me. None of these things worked, of course, so now I choose to be with someone who already IS someone who can be there for themselves first and also for me–someone who is open to love, to giving and receiving. I also choose to BE someone who is open to love, to giving and receiving. It’s the receiving part that is taking some practice.

  • Sweta Chawla

    “Lingering in a false identity to get the approval of someone else is the ultimate betrayal of your personal integrity. We do it because we love approval from other people. The only problem is that we are building our house on a bed of sand. It will tumble eventually and the truth will be exposed.”

    Love Loved todays TDL!!! This has been become my purpose. You know they always talk about people who have lost themselves, what about people who never knew themselves? That was me! Everything I did was for approval or “someone else’s happiness” sounds noble doesn’t it? nope! My intention was not to make other people happy, “i did what I thought would make others happy” so that they would not be upset with me and I would be SAFE. If others did not get upset or erupt I could live in peace but it never worked! I did not realize that and it just became a habit, so I never really knew how to come from a place of WHAT I WANT and WHO I AM. Until this past year 🙂

    I am so much happy living a self expressed life and this is my purpose and commitment to the world – to help those that are suffering for not being their true selves!

    This topic is so close to my heart – Thank you MAstin!

    Xo,
    Sweta

    • Alisa Gibbs

      I’m so glad that you found your voice. You are going to bless lots of people with your testimony. God Bless.

  • Jolie Blond

    I choose to use moderation in “being myself” with others until I have cleared out a lot of stored anger that is capable of just exploding if someone accidentally triggers it. I see that as my responsibility. With people I can trust, I make it clear that this is the case with me. One reason I can trust them is that they are honest about their own flaws.

  • Josephine

    I have just really discovered your work – you are AWESOME and inspiring me so much right now… Your stuff is helping me ground my spirituality and make it REAL and PRACTICAL for me rather than the sort of earthly denying, body separation, money separation approach i had. Love it, love it . LOVE IT !

  • Sherri

    I did it! I let go of the wrong one. I promise myself to be completely myself so the right one will stick. Thank you!

  • Lydia

    About 30 years ago, I decided (for the first time) to be me in a relationship. I didn’t think the relationship would last. So why not-huh? I thought this man who is 9 years younger than me would run for the door. We will celebrate our 27 years of marriage in a few weeks. He is a great partner on this path and I admire, love and like him! I am going through a big transition in my life right now and he is supportive. It feels like the constant message that I am getting is to be myself! I thank you for this post today, Mastin. I appreciate your radical authenticness! Namaste!
    Lydia

  • Christina Benitez

    thank you for sharing this wisdom!