What that means is that he was so emotionally wrapped up in his situation that he was unable to look objectively at his situation and see more than 2 options…. essentially should I stay or go? The fact is, anytime you think you only have two choices, you’re probably in the tank. You actually have access to unlimited options and choices when you just get resourceful…and stop focusing on the resources you DON’T have. As a coach, I help my clients take power back by being “at cause” rather than “at effect.”
From The Great Unknown…And Back Into The Known
My client was particularly dismayed because a woman he called his “soulmate” was pretty much, for lack of a better word, ignoring him. If you can imagine how that story would make you feel…maybe you’ve even had a similar experience…you can probably imagine that he wasn’t in the best state to make a great decision. Once I let him fill me in on his “story of woe” I had to pull him out of the tank because it’s really hard to breathe in there. That’s when I sat him down & gave him the best assignment he ever received.
Make Your List
If you want even the remotest chance at creating a beautiful and fulfilling relationship with your “soulmate,” you have got to make your list. You have to have absolute clarity around 4 specific categories. In fact, if you haven’t done it already, I highly encourage you to make your own list. The first category is a complete list of exactly what you want in terms of specific qualities, traits and attributes of your intimate partner. Make sure your list is detailed and wide-ranging at the same time. It’s pretty much impossible to hit a target you can’t even see, right? Next, go through your list and highlight which areas are absolute MUST-HAVES and which are simply wants. Put an asterisk next to the must haves or highlight them so they stand out.
You’re Halfway There
Now, sit down and make a list of everything you do NOT want. Again, be detailed, and think back on your past relationships so you can take advantage of everything they came to teach you about what you wanted and didn’t want. Then, the final step is go back and highlight your absolute DEAL-BREAKERS. Of course, those are the specific characteristics that do not work for you under any circumstance. A great example of that is an existing addiction or maybe someone who does or doesn’t want children and that conflicts with your own desires.
Here’s How Powerful This Is
Even though my client was really distraught about this situation when he originally called, he used my advice and made his list immediately after hanging up the phone. Within an hour, I heard back from him…and his state had changed dramatically. Once he made the list, he realized there were actually FIVE different things about that woman that were deal-breakers for him…things like honesty & integrity…maturity…a passion for quality time together…and an interest in personal development. Once he took a good, hard – and unemotional – look at those traits, it became pretty clear that the woman he called his “soulmate” wasn’t even in alignment with the most important things he wanted for his life. And do you know what his final words were to me in the email he sent a short time later….”I’m strangely at peace right now.” Now THAT’S a great place from which to make a huge decision, isn’t it?
Give it try.
If you’ve never done this exercise, I challenge you to make your own list. I can pretty much guarantee you’ll end up with A LOT more clarity – and that will totally change the way you show up in relationship. If you run into any problems or need some help, feel free to reach out and I’ll help you work through it.
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Dave Elliott is A Relationship Coach and the founder of Legendary Love For Life. Check out his site at www.legendaryloveforlife.com.