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Opening Back To Love!

Opening Back to Love….

Breakups suck! Heartbreak Sucks! And mostly all of us have been there at one time or another in our lives.

As someone who came out of a relationship a little over a year ago, I still have moments of heart wrenching pain, sadness that overwhelms me, and tears that feel like they will fall forever. I often judge this pain as bad and think to myself, “I should be over this; it’s been a year. I shouldn’t still be feeling this much pain; I should be happy now.” I start to should all over myself. Have you ever done this?

Whether it’s a broken heart or anything in life that feels challenging, so often we judge where we are, versus just accepting it. Getting over a broken heart takes time. Learning to open your heart again, takes time. It’s a process and it’s one that need not be taken lightly. Loss is a big event in our lives and grieving a loss is what will help us to heal our hearts and bring us back to a place where we are ready to love again.

After my break up, I tried everything…I read every break-up book there was to find, did every online course to help heal my heart, even enrolled in a “soul mate” series thinking that if I just work on myself, I will be able to heal my heart faster and call in my soul mate. WRONG!!!! These were all just forms of looking outside of myself and thinking I needed to “fix” myself.

I have always thought that if I just kept fixing myself that I would be lovable. That whatever I did in a past relationship that didn’t work at the time, I would “fix’ it. I would fix what was broken in me and then someone would really love me. I would fix my emotions, I would fix my body, I would fix my thoughts…Boy, did I have this backwards.

As I went through the healing process, I also kept hearing the words, “You have to love yourself, before you can love another, or before another can love you.” These words rang true to me in so many ways, but what they also brought to me was a feeling that I would never find love until I fully, unconditionally loved myself…more “Fixing” if you will. I felt defeated and cynical. How could I ever feel the love for myself that I feel for another??

Yes, I believe that we must love ourselves, take care of ourselves and be in alignment with what our higher self wants. Loving ourselves is the most important thing. When we stray from this, we will usually be presented with lessons. When we don’t honor our own needs and start to give ourselves away, something will always be presented to us to bring us back to our center, even if it’s painful. Loving ourselves is not something we were taught as kids. John Gray, the author of “Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus” said that the first seven years of our lives are the most informative when it comes to loving ourselves and feeling loved. If we had no one in our lives to reflect this to us during that time, then most likely we struggle with feeling lovable or even loving ourselves.

I learned this the hard way in my last relationship. I was doing everything in my power to make it work, to feel loved, to get my boyfriend to show up the way I thought he should. I thought that if he and I did a communication workshop together, went to therapy, or read relationship books, that we could fix what was “wrong.” What’s that?? MORE FIXING you SAY?? Yes, I think I have been in fix myself mode for years…ever since I can remember. I don’t ever remember coming out of a relationship and not blaming myself for something I did or said wrong. This didn’t help me heal, this just brought on more suffering and pain.

Losing someone we love is hard; often times people will shut down and turn away from love because the pain endured is so intense. I know there have been times when I thought I would never open to love again. Often we walk through life with an iron gate around our hearts thinking it will protect us; we turn to substances to numb our pain, or watch endless TV in search of the perfect, fantasy relationship, thinking that if we could just have that, then life would be okay. Or we just jump right back in to a new relationship thinking it will solve all our pain. We pass each other on the street without acknowledging that we are all in pain, in some form or another. When others ask how we are, we say “fine,” but don’t really mean it because we don’t want others to see our pain.

What I have learned through this whole process is that healing is about being vulnerable, about showing who I really am and I how I am really feeling. No more hiding, no more pretending I am okay. Telling others close to me how I am feeling and reaching out for support helped me to see how many people in my life DO love me, and there is nothing wrong with me that I need to fix. These amazing souls reflected back to me the love that I am. And when this happened, I knew I didn’t have to search anywhere outside of myself anymore to find a way to fix myself or to feel loved. And my heart started to break wide open.

So, as I sit here today I can only share with you what I have learned. I have learned that only time, patience, self-nurturing, support from loved ones and acceptance of what is (even if it sucks) will bring healing. I have learned that being vulnerable is perfect. That allowing someone to see my pain allows them to really see me and relate to me. I have learned that opening up my heart and letting someone in is not as scary as it seems, and that staying shut down just creates more pain. I have learned that each time I speak a truth, even if it’s painful, my heart melts and opens just bit every time.

I am DONE with fixing myself. Fixing myself just tells the Uni-verse that I do not think I am okay exactly how I am. It sends out the message that I am broken, that I am NOT an inherently perfect, loving being. And when I send out that message, what do I get? Someone that will reflect that back to me. So, what I have learned from all of the pain and broken hearts I have endured, is that only time will take away the pain, and as I am feeling that pain, opening up to the true love inside of myself and accepting myself exactly where I am, broken heart and all will bring me back to what’s really important…LOVE.

Where can you show your vulnerability today to help yourself heal? Can you open up to someone and tell them how you feel? Can you ask for support? Can you accept what is, right now as perfect without judging where you are in your life? Can you let your heart melt just a little through taking a risk? I know you can…so do it and see what happens. Walk through the fear and open to love…I promise it will be worth it!

With loving gratitude,
Melissa

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Melissa is personal chef, wellness coach and nutrition educator. Check out her website here.

  • BG

    Thank you Melissa, for helping me see I too have been in the fix it mode when I should have been in the love me mode always.  I plan on letting go and allowing love to heal me, so thanks again.

    • http://www.facebook.com/MissyKarmaChow Melissa Costello

       Beautiful!!! xo

  • BG

    Thank you Melissa, for helping me see I too have been in the fix it mode when I should have been in the love me mode always.  I plan on letting go and allowing love to heal me, so thanks again.

    • http://www.facebook.com/MissyKarmaChow Melissa Costello

       Beautiful!!! xo

  • http://www.twitter.com/emabaksa Ema

    I could find so much of myself in your words. I used to fix myself almost all the time. Not only in a relationship but in every aspect of my life. But, as I am working on myself I am learning, just like you are, that I don’t need to be fixed. That I am unique and perfect just the way I am now.  Thank you for reminding me that I don’t need to be fixed. Much love.

    • http://www.facebook.com/MissyKarmaChow Melissa Costello

      yes and no need to work on yourself anymore either. you ARE perfect just as you are. it’s inherent! you have all the love inside and no one can take that from us!

  • http://www.twitter.com/emabaksa Ema

    I could find so much of myself in your words. I used to fix myself almost all the time. Not only in a relationship but in every aspect of my life. But, as I am working on myself I am learning, just like you are, that I don’t need to be fixed. That I am unique and perfect just the way I am now.  Thank you for reminding me that I don’t need to be fixed. Much love.

    • http://www.facebook.com/MissyKarmaChow Melissa Costello

      yes and no need to work on yourself anymore either. you ARE perfect just as you are. it’s inherent! you have all the love inside and no one can take that from us!

  • Carol

    LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this blog!!! Thank you :) It resonates with me completely…and it brought me to tears, but healing tears of reading the truth.  My heart says thank you for putting into words what it feels, and for sharing it with the world.  xo

    • http://www.facebook.com/MissyKarmaChow Melissa Costello

       yes, healing through tears…I love that!!! thank you and sending you much love! xo

  • Carol

    LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this blog!!! Thank you :) It resonates with me completely…and it brought me to tears, but healing tears of reading the truth.  My heart says thank you for putting into words what it feels, and for sharing it with the world.  xo

    • http://www.facebook.com/MissyKarmaChow Melissa Costello

       yes, healing through tears…I love that!!! thank you and sending you much love! xo

  • Amanda

    Loved this, so beautifully writen, so honest and true!!  Thank you for shairng with us your pain and your oneslty it is quite refreshing.  Everyhting you wrote reseneated with me. As my ex boyfriend broke up with me a little less than a year ago, and all of the emotions and feelings emotions were so raw and so painful. But what i leaarned though all of this pain and healing. i learned to truly love me for me and love me exaclty who I am. And like you this ice melted and I have opened up even more.  Wishing you all the happiness life ahd to offer!! xo Amanda

    • http://www.facebook.com/MissyKarmaChow Melissa Costello

       beautiful Amanda! thank you for sharing! xo

  • Amanda

    Loved this, so beautifully writen, so honest and true!!  Thank you for shairng with us your pain and your oneslty it is quite refreshing.  Everyhting you wrote reseneated with me. As my ex boyfriend broke up with me a little less than a year ago, and all of the emotions and feelings emotions were so raw and so painful. But what i leaarned though all of this pain and healing. i learned to truly love me for me and love me exaclty who I am. And like you this ice melted and I have opened up even more.  Wishing you all the happiness life ahd to offer!! xo Amanda

    • http://www.facebook.com/MissyKarmaChow Melissa Costello

       beautiful Amanda! thank you for sharing! xo

  • Jen

    I can so relate to this. I am coming up to my one year of a breakup and just uttered the words ” i should be over this, he is”…. its so nice knowing there are other people who understand how i feel. I cant tell you how much I needed to read this today. thank you. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/MissyKarmaChow Melissa Costello

       there is no timeline for healing a broken heart. Much love to you!

  • Jen

    I can so relate to this. I am coming up to my one year of a breakup and just uttered the words ” i should be over this, he is”…. its so nice knowing there are other people who understand how i feel. I cant tell you how much I needed to read this today. thank you. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/MissyKarmaChow Melissa Costello

       there is no timeline for healing a broken heart. Much love to you!

  • Gina

    this really spoke to me today! thank you for your honesty. i love this!

  • Gina

    this really spoke to me today! thank you for your honesty. i love this!

  • Brenda

    I am amazed at how many people are feeling the same thing!  I love your reminder to just relearn how to BE!  When I can just be into ME and loving me and everyone important in my life I am filled with joy and happiness.  I am in the process of releasing the pain from a past relationship.  Your words were such a good reminder to be OK with the pain, to release it  through focusing on me and what’s cool about me…then I can recognize that what I thought was ‘the perfect relationship’ was really just something I was wanting it to be.  All the fixing in the world would not have created that soulful, loving relationship I so desire.  The universe made sure there were enough blocks to force me to move away from what wasn’t real into the Soul Filled relationship I so deserve.
    Your article has come at just the right time.  It’s all starting to make sense to me.  I feel less pain and more excitement for what my new path will bring me.  We are all living on this planet limiting ourselves…time to open up to the bigger picture of copious amounts of love, joy and fun!  Bring it on.  
    Thank you Melissa!

    • http://www.facebook.com/MissyKarmaChow Melissa Costello

       Beautiful! yes…open to the bigger picture!!! you are inspiring! Much love to you

  • Brenda

    I am amazed at how many people are feeling the same thing!  I love your reminder to just relearn how to BE!  When I can just be into ME and loving me and everyone important in my life I am filled with joy and happiness.  I am in the process of releasing the pain from a past relationship.  Your words were such a good reminder to be OK with the pain, to release it  through focusing on me and what’s cool about me…then I can recognize that what I thought was ‘the perfect relationship’ was really just something I was wanting it to be.  All the fixing in the world would not have created that soulful, loving relationship I so desire.  The universe made sure there were enough blocks to force me to move away from what wasn’t real into the Soul Filled relationship I so deserve.
    Your article has come at just the right time.  It’s all starting to make sense to me.  I feel less pain and more excitement for what my new path will bring me.  We are all living on this planet limiting ourselves…time to open up to the bigger picture of copious amounts of love, joy and fun!  Bring it on.  
    Thank you Melissa!

    • http://www.facebook.com/MissyKarmaChow Melissa Costello

       Beautiful! yes…open to the bigger picture!!! you are inspiring! Much love to you

  • Maria

    Thanks for sharing this dear friend..it couldn’t be more timely.. love u tons..

  • Maria

    Thanks for sharing this dear friend..it couldn’t be more timely.. love u tons..

  • Angela May

    perfect timing – thanks melissa xoxoxox

  • Angela May

    perfect timing – thanks melissa xoxoxox

  • http://twitter.com/PrincessJ1073 Princess

    Doesn’t anyone ever get to that place like yuck why was I with that p_erson? In my experience it only has hurt if you deep down knew or know it is meant to be…and then it will be.

    • http://www.facebook.com/MissyKarmaChow Melissa Costello

       I think that loving someone hurts no matter what when you separate, even if the person wasn’t  necessarily good for you…and sometimes it’s our own judgments of ourselves and the other person that hurt the most!

  • http://twitter.com/PrincessJ1073 Princess

    Doesn’t anyone ever get to that place like yuck why was I with that p_erson? In my experience it only has hurt if you deep down knew or know it is meant to be…and then it will be.

    • http://www.facebook.com/MissyKarmaChow Melissa Costello

       I think that loving someone hurts no matter what when you separate, even if the person wasn’t  necessarily good for you…and sometimes it’s our own judgments of ourselves and the other person that hurt the most!

  • Maralee04

    This made me tear up! I really needed to read this! I’m going thru something very similar. We lie to ourselves by “fixing” something we see in us that other’s have judged. It’s all an illusion because the truth is only LOVE. Thank you for this wonderful post! 

    I’m reading A Return To Love by Marianne Williamson, this is really helping me with my self love, to accept myself Exactly how I am. And to turn inward for the Love I think I am missing. 

    Many blessings to you! Keep them coming! ^_^

    • http://www.facebook.com/MissyKarmaChow Melissa Costello

       thank you! yes, the love we seek is inside and only then can we fully appreciate the love on the outside and let it in! Much love to you!

  • Maralee04

    This made me tear up! I really needed to read this! I’m going thru something very similar. We lie to ourselves by “fixing” something we see in us that other’s have judged. It’s all an illusion because the truth is only LOVE. Thank you for this wonderful post! 

    I’m reading A Return To Love by Marianne Williamson, this is really helping me with my self love, to accept myself Exactly how I am. And to turn inward for the Love I think I am missing. 

    Many blessings to you! Keep them coming! ^_^

    • http://www.facebook.com/MissyKarmaChow Melissa Costello

       thank you! yes, the love we seek is inside and only then can we fully appreciate the love on the outside and let it in! Much love to you!

  • Phil

    Melissa, this is one of the most inspiring blog posts I have read on TDL!  You radiate healing, honesty, hope and true love.  Many will search a lfetime for someone like you.
    Light and Love

    • http://www.facebook.com/MissyKarmaChow Melissa Costello

       wow, Phil thank you! Honesty is the only way I can heal and I’m so happy to inspire others with it! Love to you

  • Phil

    Melissa, this is one of the most inspiring blog posts I have read on TDL!  You radiate healing, honesty, hope and true love.  Many will search a lfetime for someone like you.
    Light and Love

    • http://www.facebook.com/MissyKarmaChow Melissa Costello

       wow, Phil thank you! Honesty is the only way I can heal and I’m so happy to inspire others with it! Love to you

  • Sivitri

    Thank you. I ended a relationship just over a year ago as well and a few people in my life, including myself have been saying: “well, it’s been a while now, move on” etc. and so I find myself pretending to be happier and more over it than I actually am but the truth is, I’m still working on some layers that haven’t quite healed yet. My heart still does a somersault when I hear his name. That’s always the signal for me that I’m not completely healed. As much work as I have done, and as much as I know I deserve better, it still hurts. So the journey towards self love and strength continues… Here’s to healing and opening our beautiful hearts to amazing love!! xo
    Sivitri.

    • http://www.facebook.com/MissyKarmaChow Melissa Costello

       yes!!! Yes!!! be gentle with yourself …it’s all ok! Love to you

  • Sivitri

    Thank you. I ended a relationship just over a year ago as well and a few people in my life, including myself have been saying: “well, it’s been a while now, move on” etc. and so I find myself pretending to be happier and more over it than I actually am but the truth is, I’m still working on some layers that haven’t quite healed yet. My heart still does a somersault when I hear his name. That’s always the signal for me that I’m not completely healed. As much work as I have done, and as much as I know I deserve better, it still hurts. So the journey towards self love and strength continues… Here’s to healing and opening our beautiful hearts to amazing love!! xo
    Sivitri.

    • http://www.facebook.com/MissyKarmaChow Melissa Costello

       yes!!! Yes!!! be gentle with yourself …it’s all ok! Love to you

  • http://twitter.com/PurpleQueenNL Miranda kate

    This is so good, and so helps me understand myself. Thank you for sharing. 

  • Rachelparkscoach

    Love this woman!!

  • Rachelparkscoach

    Love this woman!!

  • aw

    funny how when your heart melts, love comes back into your life full force xo

  • aw

    funny how when your heart melts, love comes back into your life full force xo

  • Keisha Angela

    wow..this article is great..i am guin thru a break up and one thing i must say is that true friendship frm family and my friends have really helped me to heal…i know theres someone out there and i am neither afraid anymore to open up my heart to love again.

  • Madman81

    Great blog that radiates love, compassion and hope! Been almost 2 years since a passionate love affair almost destroyed me but I have come to learn many amazing things about who I am as a person, not perfect but perfectly loveable. This article made my evening today. Thank you !