“Turn your wounds into wisdom.” – Oprah
Isn’t it amazing how easy it is to take responsibility for something when it is going gorgeously, but when it fails we instantly, almost reflexively want to point fingers? Well, when it comes to breakups (be it the romantic kind, the friendship kind or the professional kind), just as you owned your relationship while you were in it, it is important to own it now that it has passed. In doing so you can uncover the purpose it served and extract the abundant lessons granted to you by having been blessed by it. Alternatively, to deny the relationship would be to deny the gift that it is. Gift, you say?! Yes, gift.
All of our journeys provide gifts. Whereas some are packaged in obvious bright, shiny pink bows, others are disguised in more subtle, rougher ribbons, requiring more adept untying before they unveil their inherent worth. More often than not though, these are the gifts that have the longest lasting, most impactful value.
So how do you begin to take 100% responsibility for your 50% of the relationship? With a big inhale for starters! Because this is no small task. It takes courage to look in the rear-view mirror of your relationship with honesty and OWN your parts in your relationship. Sure, it is easier to blame the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad ex for your relationship/breakup misery. Sitting in self-blame is like a mental beating over the past (i.e. “I should have not complained so much”), which creates anger in your heart and thus makes it incredibly challenging to live in the present or move forward. When you blame, you diminish your own power! You give into circumstances that are out of your control or that are now in the past. To release the victim inside, you simply MUST own YOUR part. Head and heart on, you must face the realities of your relationship, what was beautiful about it and was broken about it… and what you did to contribute to both ends of the spectrum. Continue to remind yourself that no matter how much of a devil your ex is, it ALWAYS takes two to make a relationship thrive and to make one crumble… even if it was only a matter of you not using the power of your voice to stand up for your needs.
Now here comes the fun part! With the dirty work behind you, accepting that yes, you did play a part in your breakup, you get to turn the reality of your past relationship into the lessons that will serve you in your future relationships. This is using your ex love to get to your next love – healthier, happier, better love! By being candid and introspective, you can detail who you were in that relationship and all other gone by-the-wayside relationships too. Think about how faulty behaviors in relationships past have served you. For example, if you have been an “over-giver” to the point of resentment and depletion, why do you do this?
Does this work for you? Will you continue to do this? Is there another way of taking a positive attribute and having it serve your relationship positively, not negatively? Take this moment to really look within to figure out how your behaviors serve you and how different or modified behaviors could serve you better. Today is the day that you can begin to identify patterns of behavior within yourself and further decide that today is the day that these don’t serve your love life well and that you will break them! Today is the day that you can commit to not dating the same person in different shoes by being aware of your habits of attraction; we are all magnets, attracting people into our lives and to attract different things, we have to first be aware of our magnetic energies and then be willing and capable of changing them… Today can be the day you decide to attract something richer!
Easier said than done? Fair enough. Try these activities to begin your journey towards relationship accountability and consequently, breakup freedom:
1. Write down 5 things you are proud of from your last relationship; toast to each of them. Now write down 5 things you are less proud of. Breathe in each of these knowing that they were experiences that don’t have to be relived. Next to each of these, write a simple affirmation to remind you of what you can do differently in the future. (Affirmation example: I am capable of stating my needs. I deserve to have my needs met.)
2. Have a “Blame Game Night with Your BFF’s”. Invite 2-3 of your best friends over – those friends who road-tripped through this past relationship with you and in some ways, know you better than you know yourself. Write down 5-10 things you blame your ex for in the ending of your relationship. Share them with your friends. Now hand your friends 5-10 post-it notes or index cards and have them anonymously write what they feel your part was in each of those ‘blaming’ remarks. Have them put their cards in to a bowl – and you pick one at a time and talk about it with all of them. This will provide you with the greatest self-knowledge from those people who know and care about you most. Once you’re done, go around the room and have them tell you why you’re better off single, than with your ex. Then eat and drink to a new happily-ever-after!
3. Put pen and truth to paper by writing a disclosure letter to your ex. In this letter include what you believe to have been your part in the relationship’s end. Steer clear of pointing your finger at him/her. The point of this letter is to own your part… to be a big person that can admit when he/she has made mistakes. Once the letter is written, be sure to re-read it. Inhale the reality. There is no need to send this letter. The power in having written it is to take responsibility.
By being accountable for our choices in our relationships, we unearth great opportunity to learn from them. In doing so, your ex relationship and your breakup has served a purpose for you – a divine one! Perhaps now, you can be thankful that you welcomed this relationship into your life and that you can release it in order to move on, stronger and smarter than ever.
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The BreakUP Club is a female-owned and operated organization dedicated to female empowerment and helping women feel, heal and seal the hurt of a breakup. The organization is headquartered in Los Angeles, Calif. and offers local workshops, national online workshops, private (one-on-one sessions) and upcoming teleseminars. For more information on The BreakUP Club, visit http://www.break-upclub.com/ .
