If you look up the word “perfectionism” in the dictionary, it is defined as:
“A personal standard, attitude or philosophy that demands perfection and rejects anything less.”
Taking a closer look, there’s definitely some good stuff in there. In fact, having high standards is great and it is one of the essential ingredients to reaching our full potential and being successful. Having an attitude or philosophy that demands our best is also a good asset as it motivates us to pursue greatness and mastery.
Where we get into trouble, however, is the part about rejecting anything that is less than perfect. This unhealthy kind of perfectionism can be toxic to our personal growth, artistic development and relationships of any kind, including our relationship with ourselves. Why is that? Well, let’s look a little more closely at a few subtleties that can shed some light on the pitfalls of perfectionism.
First, it is important to remember that typically, the standard of perfection or ideal against which we measure things is one that we or someone else made up. For as many people as there are on this earth, there are as many different views of what makes something perfect. In other words, perfection is a highly subjective concept.
When we set out to create and we’re looking for the perfect melody, the perfect photograph, the perfect painting or the perfect performance, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment because viewed from this perspective, nothing will ever be good enough. Similarly, in our personal journey, when we set out on the path in search of the perfect self, the perfect partner, the perfect job or the perfect life, we will always be comparing what we have with this fictitious ideal and it will be virtually impossible to be truly satisfied with ourselves, our partners, our work or our lives. So while it’s great to aim high, it’s also important to be wary of this extreme of perfectionism that starts and ends with the ego, as it is rooted in fear and can significantly limit creativity, self-expression, love and fulfillment.
Second, when we are constantly evaluating ourselves, our work and our relationships against a standard of perfection, we rob ourselves of the joy of being in the present moment. When I first started playing live music, I recorded all of my performances and I quickly got into the terrible habit of listening back almost immediately after the show to see how I did and what I needed to improve upon. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to expand and grow, there is a constructive way of doing it and a destructive way of going about it. The approach I took didn’t even allow me a few hours or a good night’s sleep to relish the feeling of having just played or to acknowledge the positives of the performance. Talk about unhealthy perfectionism.
The last and perhaps most important aspect of this distinction between healthy and unhealthy perfectionism relates to mistakes. Miles Davis, one of the most highly revered and influential musicians of the 20th century, used to say: “Do not fear mistakes; there are none.” Similarly, one of my spiritual teachers once told me that our mistakes or so-called “failures” are really just opportunities for us to determine what we need to do to succeed. Unfortunately, many of us are not so gentle with ourselves and do not view things from this perspective. Instead, we dwell on our mistakes and we spend so much energy beating ourselves up over them.
Lately, in my guitar practice, I have gotten into the habit of consciously smiling to myself whenever I play a wrong note and, instead of tensing up and making more mistakes, I am able to let go and get back to the joy of playing. In this way, I’ve actually gotten more out of my practice because all of the energy that I was wasting on my mistakes, I am now using to address my weaknesses.
Ultimately, what I’m suggesting is to find a HEALTHY BALANCE when it comes to perfectionism. This means striking a balance between striving for more and accepting what we already have as we aim to reach high standards. It means finding the balance between pushing ourselves beyond our comfort zone and being gentle with ourselves in our quest for greatness. It also means knowing the difference between an objective goal and one that is unattainable. Maintaining this balance is essential to experiencing continuous growth in our creative and personal lives, while still being able to enjoy the ride.
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Chris is a singer song-writer and artist development coach. Visit his website here.
