I don’t know about you, but I have resisted death since the day I learned about its existence. As a teenager, I ignored the inevitable because I was too young to even think about such morbid thoughts. Dying was not something I was going to do any time soon, so why worry about it? That’s for the blue hairs to contemplate. Well, it is true that we should not worry about death or anything for that matter, but… when we resist death, we resist life. At any age.
“What you resist persists because you are struggling and fighting against it. The only way to win is to relax and let it be what it is. It is like the tide. Fight it if you will, although if you lie down and let it wash over you, it is going to go back out. The only way to have control in your life is to be with life as it is. That’s when the wisdom shows up and you will know exactly what to do for yourself to endure. Being afraid of death is such a drain. The “what is” is that you’re going to die of something. You have a choice: resist the inevitable or die happy in surrender.”
– Cinnamon Lofton
One could conclude that after being diagnosed with eye cancer at the age of twenty-four, I would have started to LIVE my own life – not worry about pleasing others more than myself. But nope, it took me three more diagnoses to really wake up and choose to see death differently.
Love is a choice.
We hear it over and over again, but most of us do not continually choose it. Blah, blah, blah, says our mind; believing we are only human.
Creating a contract with cancer in my life has been one amazing gift.
Gift? Are you crazy? You may surprisingly inquire.
Well, I used to call myself a “Survivor,” but I now dwell in the loving space as a living and breathing…”Thriver!”
Every six months, I travel north to San Francisco to see my oncologist, also taking blood tests to assure that the melanoma has not metastasized to my liver. Most often, texting a group of friends for some extra “pleading with the Uni-verse” prayers, while awaiting my fate for approximately four hours in the waiting room. For years of my survivor-hood, my heart would pound, my legs would jiggle, and breathing was not a part of my game. I usually fixated on the salt water fish tank, doing my best to not stare at the others who were also awaiting their plight. The room was usually quiet.
“It looks stable, Kathleen.” The doctor would most often declare. I would exhale, realizing that I had been holding my breath for most of the day.
“Hip Hip Hooray!” Let’s celebrate!” I would squeal to my hubby. And then again, a few hours later, I revisited my fear of the inevitable.
Six months ago (and almost twenty years later), I walked into the same room that I had dreaded and hated for years, and this time… I welcomed the opportunity and chose Love. I had asked my dear ones to pray for my peace, regardless of the outcome; no longer choosing to bargain with Love. This time, I looked at the aquarium in awe. How did I miss these colorful creatures?
This time, I took deep breaths – reminding myself that everything was here FOR my spiritual growth. EVERYTHING. I continued to create the ultimate surrender, remembering that I was just a mere player in the game of life.
“It looks stable, Kathleen.” The doctor said.
I continued breathing…