June 7th, 2014 would have been our eleven-year-wedding-anniversary. My friend told me this morning that Mercury turns retrograde starting on the seventh (what ever that means). Hmm, let me Google that…”A Cosmic Timeout.” You can say that again.
One year ago, I wrote a blog called “Stay In Love, Leave In Love…Leave Limbo Behind.” Kirk and I began to honor each others differences, work on our own issues (well mostly, I did), and renewed our ten-year-wedding-anniversary with vows overlooking the turquoise waters of Belize. You may remember the picture of our celebration embrace with my head flown back; yet still, flexing with an unrelaxed and pointed foot. I didn’t notice until a certain gurl mentioned my unromantic stance…after the fact. Sure, I loved Kirk with every fiber of my existence, but were we IN love? We “thought” so. Bless our hearts.
The trip was filled with smiles, hand holding, and I must admit…an utter sense of relief that we actually made it to the ten-year mark. It wasn’t easy from the get-go. Every force “seemed” to be against us (including our astrological signs), and I now realize every challenge was here FOR us to grow together in a way that many people would not even “think” exists while going through this type of CHANGE in a relationship. A bond of mutual love and admiration for one another despite it all. A marriage that would change form; sounds so much better than divorce, doesn’t it?
We are doing this by… Leaving In Love.
This is ONLY possible by… Staying In Love, FIRST.
When we returned home from paradise, life became business as usual as we continued to raise our one and only son. I created happiness by diving deeper into teacher training with a humble servant of Love, Cinnamon, and entered myself into a Hay House writer’s competition. Kirk continued to go along to get along with a look of dread from the minute his eyes opened after many nights of restless sleep. The days of him calling me “Butter Cup” (my ring-inscription) were long gone, and the light in his eyes was slowly diminishing. As painful as this was for me to watch, I was finally willing to get out of our Creator’s way, and let go of “trying” to make him happy. Yeah, like that really worked, anyway.
“Sometimes the mind refuses to notice the extraordinary ways that love is not present in our relationships because it’s frightening to think, ‘I am living nose to nose with somebody and yet I am not close to them.’ You may have gotten so used to being joyless that you don’t even recognize what I’m talking about.”
-Cinnamon H. Lofton
Kirk and I became two passing tanks in the night, trading places to take care of our son with developmental challenges and joyless in our marriage on most days. Date night was not desired nor planned, much. I had built up such a tolerance to the mundane days of our relationship. We got along and didn’t fight, so I “thought” THAT was a good thing and enough to sustain us. And I loved him. I liked to see him walk through the door after being on the road, and I was grateful that I didn’t have the bitter attitude of: Damn, he’s home! Our weekly TV dates of “American Idol” and “Survivor” was our greatest pleasure. Speaking about how to work with our child was always a bond and our yearly vacation was a total blast (we do know how to have fun together). Oh, and a warm body to snuggle up to at night was a definite plus (he is such a gentle bear). Some of my friends “seemed” to envy our relationship, which contributed to my “thinking” that this must be what marriage is all about-getting by (and mostly along) while “feeling” safe and secure. AND, here’s the glitch and shift of it all…when I spoke, he bored himself and didn’t GET me; and when he spoke, I bored myself and didn’t GET him. Two different paths? Heck yeah…I would go on to say that we were at the end of each planet in the solar system. A truth we avoided; a knowing from day one. We were suffering by staying together, but so badly wanted to ignore the possibility of divorce; after all, we had JUST renewed our vows. So, we continued to choose fear and refused to acknowledge the inevitable…
“Don’t be addicted to being a certain way. When you do that, you are making problems where there are none.”
-Cinnamon H. Lofton
I was addicted to security and our family. Addicted to it looking like it SHOULD, meeting the societal model of a two parent household. I mean really, it ain’t that bad…we have a house, sustainable income, dog, honor each others differences, and stainless steel appliances. After all, that’s the program I grew up with (yep…need to rethink that one). The more I released my addictions to our relationship being a certain way…the more I observed the “what is” from my soul. But, I was still unwilling to take the leap of faith and make a decision…
“Change. It’s one decision away. On the down side, no matter who you are, you are also one decision away from fear.”
-Cinnamon H. Lofton (Click to tweet)
Almost two months ago and after yet after another disagreement, Kirk and I looked at each other and KNEW it was over. It was on a Sunday. Just the day before, we had no idea (imagine that). By Wednesday, we made the decision. We did not have ONE session with Cinnamon, nor did we speak with ONE friend or family member. We didn’t need to. Although the decision was not easy, it was simple.
It even came as a shock to my closest friend in the world. Once all the question marks settled, it all began to make spiritual sense, but not common.
So the question begs to be asked, “Was I supposed to marry Kirk?”
Heck yeah…he is my family and “True Companion” for life. (His ring-inscription).
I knew this truth on our wedding day, and I knew it in Belize. Just not in THAT marriage kind of way.
It was a misty day in June way back in 2003 in Point Loma, California AND in Belize where we said, “’til death do us part.” We married in the fog; we renewed our vows in the fog.
Grateful that it has finally lifted…
Forever and even then,
PS. I am happy to say that I have Kirk’s confirmation for sharing this blog.
P.S. You can find Kathleen’s first post mentioned in this blog Stay In Love Or Leave In Love.