Most of us on a spiritual journey are seekers. We are looking for joy, happiness, “enlightenment” and whatever else we can find that makes us feel good. Why wouldn’t we want that? We go to workshops, read books and soak up anything we can to find the “answers” to life and why we are here.
I have been on this journey for most of my adult life, starting at 19-years-old when I picked my first Wayne Dyer book, Your Erroneous Zones (it was Wayne’s first too.) And, wow, what an amazing book. It’s kind of funny because when I look back at it now, I see how far Mr. Dyer has come in his spiritual journey too. We are all growing and evolving.
As a kid, and most of my young life there was always something in me that knew there was a force bigger than me out there. I wasn’t sure what it was, and I wasn’t sure it was God, because I was afraid of the God I was taught about; a sin-punishing, judging God.
I remember visiting church with one of my best friends a few times, and every time I walked through the door of that church I felt so much fear. Fear that I would be struck down for every “bad” thing I had ever done, for every time I didn’t go to church and worship this God.
I felt lost, I felt like I had no connection to anything or anyone. I started seeking. I started reading all the spiritual books I could find, and going to workshops. There was a yearning inside of me, a craving to connect to something deeper.
It wasn’t until I picked up Conversations with God, by Neale Donald Walsh over 15 years ago, that I really started to understand about God. And then a beautiful, enlightening light went on (if you haven’t read this book, and want to know more about a loving, non-judging, non-religious God, then I highly suggest it.)
This book brought me solace and hope. It confirmed my “knowing” of the bigger force, the Uni-versal force. It showed me that the Uni-verse is loving, accepting, and only wants the best for me, not to punish me for my “sins,” which I never believed in anyway. It opened windows and doors for me that were sealed shut for years.
I began to shortly follow Marianne Williamson, and I saw her and Donald speak together many years back. Wow, was that amazing. And then came Eckhart Tolle, and then Yogananda, Tony Robbins and so on..,you get the picture.
In all of this seeking, following and workshop going, what I realized is that I still felt some unmet need inside of myself. I still felt like there was something more. I still felt a disconnect of sorts.
I had learned SO much from these amazing teachers and still do, yet I felt overwhelmed with my seeking, like it was an addiction or a drug. I put people on pedestals and worshiped them and what they had to say. I became a workshop junkie of sorts, always trying to FIX myself! I thought someone else had the answer to make me all perfect!
It wasn’t until about 4 or 5 years ago that another light came on, and what I realized is that maybe I had all the answers inside of myself and I didn’t need to seek anymore. I didn’t need to follow these amazing gurus, who, yes, had changed my life, yet I didn’t have to put anyone up on a pedestal anymore because of their life-changing story.
I had a life-changing story. I came through a majorly abusive, alcoholic home and I had found my way with the help of all these spiritual leaders, and my own discernment and guidance, and yet I knew that it was time to turn inward to myself, to stop seeking outwardly and to settle in.
Now when I say settle, I don’t mean that I am settling for something less than what I want, or deserve. When I say settle, I mean settle into the beautiful, loving, knowledgeable, spiritual being that I am.
Settle into all my wisdom. Settle into my love. Settle into the fact that I AM a child of the Uni-Verse, and I am perfect just as I am; there is nothing to FIX!
All this seeking I did always left me feeling that I was broken, that I needed fixing and that someone outside of myself had more power than I did to help me, and fix me.
I was always looking to the next thing to fix me, to get my relationships right, to validate me. My studies at the University of Santa Monica these last couple years really solidified my own power, and the God/Uni-verse inside of me.
I finally realized I didn’t have to go outside of myself anymore, I just had to turn inward and connect to my own true self, my authenticity, the beautiful child of perfection that lives inside.
This doesn’t mean that I won’t ever read another spiritual book, or listen to all the gifts that these leaders have to offer, but now I can go without seeking answers, but knowing that I HAVE the answers. I don’t need to fix anything, I just need to accept what is there as already perfect, wise and loving.
Yes, this can be scary, and it’s not always fun, but that intuitive place inside, that we ALL have will always give us the answers no matter what. Connecting to that deeper, loving place inside will never lead us astray and will always provide us with our place in the world. Listening to our hearts and our intuition and settling into that.
I encourage you to turn inward for the answers that come forward in life. To trust yourself. Trust the Uni-verse within and settle into that knowing.
With love and blessings,
Melissa Costello is a personal chef, wellness coach and nutrition educator. Check out her website here.