I received a beautiful email this week from someone going through the beginning stages of divorce, asking me for advice or wisdom I could share to support her on her journey. She was asking what she could do to stay connected to her higher self through the process and not get mangled and lose herself in the process. I personally sent her a bit of a response and asked for her permission to respond more on a blog — it felt like it could support so many people going through the same transition. I hope you find the following supportive.
Be kind to yourself. Each day you have awoken next to this beautiful person you chose to share your life with — thinking about them as you made decisions, considering their schedule, their interests, their likes and dislikes. Every part of your life has been woven with this person you called your partner or spouse. Be gentle to yourself. It will take time for the fibers that have been woven to start to loosen and unwind. It doesn’t just happen overnight. Be patient.
You have shared parts of yourself with this person that you have done with nobody else. Your partner knows you better than anyone else in this world — and you know him/her better than anyone else as well. Don’t take advantage of this. Honor this. You have a very sacred bond. He/She has been and will continue to be your greatest teacher.
The love you once felt for your partner still sits inside of you. Don’t be afraid to acknowledge this. It may take awhile — but at some point, all of the feelings you are currently having will dissolve leaving you with feelings of acceptance, love and gratitude. This takes time but will happen if you are willing to allow it.
Acknowledge your anger and disappointment that things didn’t go the way you wanted them to go. Make a commitment to not speak your anger at your partner. Doing so creates an acidic reaction in your own body. Find a place to process your emotions with someone who can support and you and help you feel at harmony and peace inside yourself. Allow yourself to journal and give yourself a voice. Every feeling that you have is normal, healthy and expected. Don’t expect to be a super-hero and unaffected through this process. This is one of the most difficult things you or your children will ever go through in their lives.
If you have children going through this process with you, take time and space for them. Be quiet. Just relax with them. When they feel you are still, they will feel safe and comforted. Stability creates reassurance.
Do yourself a favor and remind yourself that everyday a variety of feelings will come and go, like waves in the ocean. When you feel sad, depressed, angry or uncertain — simply close your eyes, put your left hand on your stomach and your right hand on your chest, and ask yourself a very profound question, ”What are these feelings really about?” Listen to the answers. Not wanting to feel a certain way is a sure way of making sure the feeling sticks around longer. Accept your feelings. Breathing through them is a way of honoring them.
Just because you are hurting, don’t lash out and hurt your partner. Stop and feel. Take full responsibility for the quality of life that you are creating for yourself from this moment forward. When you lash out and say or write nasty things to or about your partner, observe how you feel. You are responsible for your actions and feelings, not your partner. If your partner says or writes something nasty about you, put your hands on your body (left hand on stomach and right hand on Heart ) and simply say, “I am ready, willing and able to take full responsibility for the quality of my life.” He or she is only saying or writing those things because they are heart-broken, just as you are. Remember this — that you may be given the strength not to react. By not reacting, you will begin to feel stillness. In that stillness you will find a strength and clarity that you know exists. It’s one thing to have thoughts, another to act on the thoughts. If you are trying to create peace of mind, self-control is a must learn.
Nurture and care for your body. Give yourself space to put the “pause” button on. This is a huge transition that deserves to honored. Take time for yourself. Go for a walk. Breathe it all in. If you don’t do this, you will feel more anxious and emotional than necessary.
Above all, remember that time heals all. Putting your hands on your body and remembering to breath deeply supports your body in knowing that you are never alone and are safe.
Lastly, some days you are going to epically fail at all of the above. Forgive yourself. You are human.
From the stillness of my Heart,
Robin Lee
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