Approximately four months ago I had a major “aha” moment that has completely changed my life and my relationships for the better. I realized that unconditional love when experienced in the human body is not actually possible to receive or give consistently. This very idea completely rocked my world and allowed me to finally kick my love attachment and addiction to the curb.
Growing up, one of the biggest challenges I had was that I often felt misunderstood. In fact, that was the theme of the first 18 years of my life. I would spend countless days in my room crying to myself because it felt like nobody understood me and nobody saw things the way I did. All I wanted was to be loved and understood, and the only times I actually felt that way was when I did something that others approved of.
As a young boy, the most important person that I longed to get this love and understanding from was my mom. I felt very little love come from my dad growing up as he was too busy with work to be around much at all. So my mom was my primary source of love for the majority of those 18 years. Anytime I felt down, vulnerable or even lonely, I would look to my mom to fill me with love so I would feel better.
However I rarely received it in the way that I was looking for. I was longing to feel loved no matter what I said or how I acted; I was longing for unconditional love. But instead what I got the majority of the time was love with conditions, expectations and standards. If I did things in a way that my mom did not like, I would be scolded or punished. If I acted out when I was supposed to be a “good boy,” she would get angry and upset. Instead of feeling loved, I felt hurt, misunderstood and alone.
Although she always told me that she loved me unconditionally, her actions often times did not accurately resemble her words, and as a result I did not feel unconditionally loved. Because I was never able to feel this so called unconditional love, I began unconsciously chasing after it. (Please note I love my mom and I am beyond grateful for our relationship and how much it has taught me and continues to teach me in this life. She was and still is a fantastic mother and was only responding in the way that she knew how. )
Up until recently, I spent the last eight years seeking unconditional love from any woman who came into my life. I felt like I needed to experience love without conditions or expectations, but it never happened. From that moment on, every time I felt love I would cling onto it for dear life. I would become so attached and addicted to the feeling that I even depended on it at times to function. And when I stopped feeling that love (and I always did), I would be absolutely devastated. This pattern recycled itself many times until something finally clicked.
I realized that part of the human condition is that there will always be conditions to everything that we think, say, feel and do. There may be moments that are unconditional, but they are not sustainable. As humans we are made up of everything. Where there is happiness, there is also sadness. When we have the highest of highs, we also have the lowest of lows. There are times we feel love, but there are also times when we feel fear.
We are spirit as much as we are human. I believe that unconditional love is a spiritual concept that can’t be fully sustained in these human bodies. Even when it comes to self-love, I don’t believe we can actually experience it unconditionally all of the time. As long as we are experiencing the human condition, there will always be conditions to our feelings. Spending all that time chasing after something that is unattainable will only fuel your addiction and attachment to it, and ultimately create even more imbalance in your life.
When our spirit is not in this human body, I believe that the feeling of unconditional love is a constant and it comes from our connection to The Uni-verse. As soon as we are born into these bodies, there is an immediate degree of separation from The Uni-verse and thus a void is created. I believe that as human beings, part of our condition is that we try to fill that void with the love of another human being. Even if we try to fill that void with self-love, no matter how hard we try, it will never fully be filled as long as we are in these bodies. This is why it is an endless pursuit.
So, if we can’t actually sustain that experience and feeling in this life, then how do we stop fueling the addiction, attachment and imbalance to it?
As you learn to accept that love experienced in this human body is conditional, you will begin to shift your focus to what you are feeling in each moment. The more that you embrace how you are feeling and what you are experiencing in each and every moment – knowing that it very well could change the very next moment – your appreciation for what is NOW will increase and your desire for something more than the present condition will begin to disappear.
Love, like any emotion, can change on a dime and its true nature in the human body is not meant to be unconditional. If we can learn to embrace ALL of our feelings and express them in each moment – we will no longer become attached to the idea or the feeling of unconditional love and will finally be liberated to live an empowered life.
Take Action Challenge:
Are you ready to end the chase for unconditional love once and for all? Are you ready to kick your love addiction and attachment to the curb? Every day make a conscious effort to embrace the human condition, focus on how you are feeling in each moment, and express it clearly and fearlessly. Liberate yourself and enjoy the ride!
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Michael Eisen is the founder of the Youth Wellness Network, an organization dedicated to inspiring and empowering youth across the globe to live happier and more positive lives. Michael is teaching his first online program this summer called Living the Empowered YOU. To learn more about Michael and the Youth Wellness Network, visit: www.youthwellnessnetwork.ca, connect with him on Facebook and follow him on Twitter: @youthwellnet